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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Uninterested grandparents

9 replies

Icecreamfairylightscosy · 23/07/2024 07:57

How involved are your children's grandparents?

Feeling a bit sad about ours. I'll try to keep it brief but there's lots to it and don't want to be accused of drip feeding.

My parents are both disabled and not very active, my mum does keep in touch. They're both pretty rubbish at getting involved, never been any different, but my mum is a good listener and asks lots of questions so she tends to know more what's going on. I don't really have any expectations of my dad because of the way he is.

My pil seemed to want to be very involved when we first had ds. Fil is a real know it all, and can be quite rude but he kept saying how he wanted to be an involved grandparent and help out and he tried to do lots with ds for the first few years.

Then sil had dc and ds seemed to get dropped. Pil do a lot of childcare for sil which we've never asked for so I suppose this takes up a lot of their time.

So now apart from taking ds out a couple of times a year, usually when they're taking sil children out anyway, they rarely bother.

I was hurt at first but soon got used to it, but what does annoy me is that they show very little interest. I doubt they could say what school ds goes to. If I ever try to tell them updates or things that are going on, mil barely speaks and fil talks over you, that's the way he is. They want to talk about sil children or people we don't even know.

I used to send photos but wouldn't get a response or would just get an uninterested response so I hardly bother now.

Most of my friends and their dc have very involved grandparents who know what's going on in their lives and have a lovely bond and Ds will never have that.

Dh doesn't say much about it or he just says his parents are old and tired but this simply isn't true. They have very active lives I think the novelty has worn off.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 23/07/2024 10:05

I have both ends of the spectrum! My mum and dad (and actually my nanna and granda as well) are all VERY involved, literally in touch every single day, we have a group chat where they ask for photos of her, constantly asking to see her/offering to watch her for us, they see her at least once a week every single week and I love that for her, she adores them and they adore her!

My husband’s parents though are the total opposite, don’t ever even text to ask about her, never ask to see her, don’t take an interest in our lives at all really unless it suits them and they would happily just see her once or twice a year at Christmas/birthday.

Neither surprises me because my parents have always been very involved in our lives whereas since my husband moved out of his family home they basically went to very limited contact, they aren’t a close family and never have been so I never expected that they’d be the kind of hands on/involved grandparents that my parents are.

Bex5490 · 23/07/2024 16:38

It’s unfortunate but not the end of the world and if they have people in their lives who love them then they won’t grow up sad about it.

Lots of kids have grandparents who have died, live abroad etc and aren’t emotionally affected.

Try not to let it bother you.

Your mum seems interested and like she cares. Do her disabilities prevent her from being more involved?

GreenFields07 · 26/07/2024 10:53

Both my parents and in laws are all separated so technically we have 4 sets of grandparents for our DCs. The 2 sets with my mum / MIL are very hands on, they will do anything for us, always there when we need them. The 2 sets with dad / FIL dont really care at all, we see them every few months even though they live close by. They dont ask about DCs, FIL probably couldn't even tell you their birthdays. Iv given up trying, dont bother to send updates anymore. I think we just have to take what we are given and not dwell on what we dont have. Im sure your DCs will be very loved and cared for, they will know who was there when they grow up.

RomeoRivers · 26/07/2024 11:12

Growing up I had very involved GPs and aunties + uncles because I come from a big family (dad 1/6) and given that I am 1/5 I assumed it would be the same for my kids. Unfortunately this is not the case.

MIL is very involved; we employ her so she has the kids once a week and is at our house 2 other days. My mum will visit every 2 weeks, but I only see my dad every couple of months and he has zero interest in my kids. Only 1 of my 4 brothers visits regularly (all younger than me, single and living with dad).

It’s really sad because I really valued those other adult relationships that I had as a child, but it does seem to be quite common now.

Sunshineafterthehail · 26/07/2024 11:16

I had only known mil a year when we had ds.

Then she dumped us..
Nc for over 9 years.
Her loss.
Your dc aren't missing out by not having uninterested people in their lives. Bonus to me is I don't have to share our wonderful ds...

Katbum · 27/07/2024 14:29

My parents are very involved - have dd at least once a week, usually more and also host me and dh for dinner once or twice a week. Equally involved with other gc. My PIL have a lot going on with illness and carer for an adult child with disabilities so it’s harder for them. They do occasionally have dd and dsd but it’s an effort. They don’t ever buy them even Christmas gifts. I just accept that’s the way it is. It is not out of malice, they have hard lives and other priorities. Growing up I had one very very involved grandmother and another set who we saw once or twice a year, if that. There was not reason for it, they just didn’t prioritise the relationship with their gc and liked us polite and well behaved and at arm’s length. It didn’t bother me in a deep way - I didn’t particularly enjoy spending time with them but I wasn’t sad about it. Again I understood that’s how they were. I just didn’t have the same bond with them I had with my nanna.

BloodandGlitter · 27/07/2024 16:56

My Mum has met DS11 twice in his life time, last time was 6 years ago I think, My father has never met him and last saw DD21 when she was 7. They are both about 3 hours away.
MIL and FIL are 10 minutes away but only see the grandkids when we take them down there to visit.
I live with DGS so I see him nearly every day and even when DD moves out I can't imagine seeing him less than once a week.

BloodandGlitter · 27/07/2024 16:57

Oh forgot, I'm NC with my sperm donor and VLC with my egg donor. Both by their choices. I gave up chasing them and trying to make them love us.

Mummypie21 · 27/07/2024 17:30

My PIL are extremely involved (to the point it's suffocating). I'm grateful for their help but their life revolves around our DC. They want to see them everyday. They message me multiple times a day for updates and my MIL even said that when she doesn't see the grandkids, she is just watching time pass on the clock. My DC are PIL's only grandkids because BIL is child-free (by choice) and PIL never hid their disappointment of that.

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