Lonely and can’t stop thinking about the past

[MrsCarterS112]

I’m going through a really difficult time where I can’t stop thinking about the past and where things went wrong.
I was rejected my extended family due to their dislike of my mother. My mum has mh issues.
I do have one aunt and cousins I speak to but that ain’t also has quite severe mental health issues so it’s up and down.

I am a single mother I work in a stressful job and I just can’t stop thinking his iv let my teen down .
we don’t have a busy household anymore as between work, the house and parenting alone I’m too exhausted to maintain my friendships. I’m addition to that as it’s only me I can’t really go on nights out or anything as dd has adhd and refuses to go to her fathers and there is no one else. My evenings are spent being a taxi for dd so she can have a social life.

I feel like already I’m dreading Xmas.
I want to have company again or a relationship I just don’t know how to turn it around. Trying to plan going out in any capacity is a nightmare really my dd will get screams if she has to miss out on anything and I can’t leave her in the house alone past 7/8 anyway.

my mum is now disabled and my life seems to revolve around her too and wanting me to deliver things to her. I’m so tired and lonely I am struggling mentally.
I just can’t see how I can turn it around now it feels too late. Has anyone had a life like this and found happiness?

You are entitled to.some time for u. U say ur teen won't go to.her dad's? Unless there is a child protection issue then.she must go so u can get some respite. How does dad feel? Worse case scenario could dad vome to.u and see her at your house and u take yourself out? Can u ask.him. to share taxi duties? Time to.put in.some self preservation boundaries. Don't be fooled that every family is like the Waltons. They are not.

I had two neurodiverse children who were both very hard work in their own way. I cried buckets about their behaviour and futures. It went on for years. The youngest is a university graduate looking for a job and volunteering to improve his CV after making it through childhood cancer.The oldest is close to qualifying as a doctor. It sounds easy when you say it like that but we really struggled. Today I am literally on a break with my husband on a tropical island resort so people do pull through those things. I remember sobbing to my husband that I would never be happy again.

I think you probably have to rein back control. You are entitled to rest and relaxation after work rather than running a taxi service for your teen. Let her scream. Try to make it a once weekly visit to your mother. Is she entitled to any additional government support?

@MrsCarterS112 i hear you, it sounds overwhelming but you need to address the root causes to allow you to free up time.

I am a solo parent two with 2 teens and often do the taxiing so I understand that bit.

how often do you drive DD?
what’s the public transportation like, can she use that?
can you put limits on it (eg activities 2 x a week and out on Fridays?)
does she ever stay over at friends?
do you know the other parents at the activities/events and team up with them?
EG I run my kids around a lot but also give lifts to other teens, and people also run my kids back
what is she doing in the evening? Can you go for a swim or something while she’s out so you don’t just have ‘dead’ time?

second root cause - why is she not going to her dads? Do you have a formal arrangement?

Can you daughter be left alone? Can you meet up for a drink with a friend in the evening? Or a walk at the weekend? How long would the screaming last? Is it a tantrum or would it get serious?

It could be your schedule that needs adjusting so you free up time for yourself, and that means different planning and limits.

Lone parent with ADHD DD15 here.

It's so tough at times.

Your mum, does she need a social care assessment and get carers in?
Can she set up supermarket and amazon deliveries? You do need to get firm boundaries in place.

Your DD how old is she?
Is she pushing for all the social trips? Can you limit them or get her to do tasks to help you round the house and reward her with trips?

Loneliness, I was really lonely in the early years, but then spent a few years getting really comfortable in my own skin and company so it was ok.

DD is now at an age where I can pop out for coffee etc on my own or meet a friend.

How's work going? Are they flexible?

Oh the other thing is, not sure how old DD is but coaching is helpful for them. You can get this online or in person, just helps them come to terms with the ADHD and coping mechanisms etc

The outbursts, I know they are hard, they can't help the initial reaction but the coaching might help her get control quicker...I always just grab mine for a hug as walking away never works.

adhd doesn't mean you can't go out. For all of history, adhd didn't exist until now. Everyone managed. Stop making excuses.

I have adhd btw

You have a tough choice OP. Because unless you can reduce the restrictions arising from your DD you are stuck. If I were you, I'd be working on ways to increase her independence and reduce her reliance for both your sakes, as your own mental health is starting to suffer. I don't pretend to understand her condition, but can see how the line between what she can't do, and simply prefers not to do, could become very blurry. So it may be helpful to get some professional advice on that. It would be game changing if she would go to her dad's for instance, and if he's a decent parent, could be something to work towards.

It sounds like your daughter is ruling the roost. If she’s independent and capable enough to be at so many clubs she can spend some time at her dads.

Start small with maybe both of you going round for a coffee and catch up and extend it to her going for dinner and then eventually a whole afternoon and then day.

You then need to be giving yourself some self love. Go and get your nails done, relax in a coffee shop with a nice slice of cake and a book.

take a look at local Facebook/Instagram pages to see what’s happening in your local area. Music/art events, festivals etc or if you have any specific interests like walks/dancing, join a club.

Lone parent with autistic teen daughter and a high pressured job too.
I hear you, it's lonely and it's tough. My daughter doesn't leave the house and I'm her only social network. It's exhausting, I have good days and bad days. I have no friends and no life outside of work and being a mum.
I try really hard to just accept the situation I'm in, but it's not easy.
Sending hugs as I have no advice I'm afraid xx

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Some harsh responses on this thread. How about showing some compassion?

OP, it's important to look after yourself. You can't pour from a leaky bucket

I hope you can find a way to reduce your DD's screaming. That sounds tough for both of you

I wonder if she might benefit from a befriender? That might give you a bit of time to yourself

Jesus Christ that's a bit harsh.

I also have a mother who alienated herself from her ENTIRE large family due to being combative, jealous and scheming. Probably the result of some personality disorder. It’s painful, OP. I don’t speak to a single cousin or aunt/uncle despite having many. I never developed an independent relationship with any of them outside of my mother as she is very controlling and over bearing. I don’t have much advice but you are not the only one to have experienced this.

It was one of the reasons I married my husband as he has a lot of extended family he is close to.

One of my most difficult break ups was with someone who I adored but they had poor inter-family relationships. And that was always a priority for me.

All you can do is focus on the future. I emotionally detached from my mum in a massive way. That helped.

I neglected my happiness for many years due to toxic parents. It caught up with me eventually. You really need to prioritise yourself. If only for one day a week get your husband to be with dad whilst you go out and be YOU. Not a mum, not an employee but you. Baby steps. Good luck!