Can't sleep Mother glad I'm going tmw!

[spanieleyes22]

So I came down to stay wit my parents for 3 nights on my own. I thought it was going pretty well considering I've had ups and downs with them over the years esp wit my mother. Anyway today 3 times she said she is glad I'm leaving tmw as if I stayed any longer she might get sick of me. And annoyed with me. I thought the visit was going pretty well so was a bit taken aback but didn't say anything. I can't wait to go home now! Can't leave til 3 pm tmw and it can't come soon enough. Can't sleep just wish I could leave feeling v uncomfortable: am thinking I will go for a long walk in the morning . Anyone else still awake

This is my experience too. But it’s loads of other stuff and a major back history in my case.

God this could be my mother. I wonder what’s happened in their past to make them this way? Mine still talks about how horrendous my father was and how she stuck it out for the children. It was 40 years ago!! I have cancer and she’s not once asked me to go and stay with them (massive house) or come down to see me as she finds it too upsetting☹️

never mind saying go for a coffee and a cake I would never hear the end of it. You can’t afford the calories etc

gosh I do sympathise she’s not like this with my awful brothers at all.

I am so sorry your mother said that to you, it was tactless and hurtful. I doubt she meant it as you have taken it but people (like her), really need to learn a bit of diplomacy when speaking to others. Your mum is not a kid who just blurts things out. However I doubt you will change her now. My mother was tactless, she would come out with all sorts to anyone, had no filter - but was extremely sensitive when it came to her feelings. Anyway, you will be home soon - hooray! Maybe only stay overnight in future. Good luck.

No, of course you’re not. It would be a hurtful thing for anyone to say, but especially your mother (or other family member). I would say I’m hoping she didn’t mean it the way you took it, but it doesn’t seem likely from the other things you mentioned.

Have a good shower
Take a long walk and maybe a coffee / pastry somewhere.
Have lunch with her and then go to the airport early (leave straight after lunch)

I think the "its a shame you didnt enjoy our time together" line is a good one.

No, you’re not being over sensitive. This is definitely a dm problem, not a you problem. Go home, relax, and never visit them again, it will be no loss to you. She sounds awful and life is too short to be treated like this.

Please stop smashing your head on this rock and hoping for a better outcome OP.

Maybe the Freedom Program is for you. It's a control thing designed to make them feel better about themselves but it is toxic as hell for you.

Reduce contact to the point you don't feel the toxicity. I have gone fully NC with my sister as she is vile to me and always has been.

She didn’t say it once though, she said it three times? That’s not being thoughtless, that’s being unkind or worrying

All this.

Do you have any old friends in the area? I would leave early this morning and go somewhere else en route to the airport. Even if it meant sitting in a corner at the airport with my book.

Yes, I'd just pack up and leave. Not sure why you are even considering coming back. No need to put yourself through it again.

I’m sorry you have a mother like this - is she ill or is she always like it.

This is not your fault and don’t feel bad, go home, enjoy your life and think carefully about any future visits.

I had a grandma like this except we didn't get to choose whether to see her because we were children. You are an adult, your Mother is not the mother you hoped for and deserve so why put yourself through this type of treatment again?

Deep down you know this isn't right, you are no doubt loved by your husband/partner who thinks you are amazing, you will have friends who confirm you are a great person to be around. Know your self worth.

Your Mother seems to enjoy seeing you happy and then sticks the knife in. I would look at The Freedom Program and have a wander over to the Relationships board on here, it isn't just about romantic relationships but all relationships including parental. You are not alone in feeling like this about a parent. I am incredibly low contact with one of mine due to their treatment of me and then the whole you are so sensitive comments that follow when challenged. No one else says this of me.

The trouble with people who don't relate healthily to others is that it can be very difficult to identify what their feelings are and which parts of them are authentic. It may well be true that her initial charm is disingenuous, but it could easily be the case that's its real, and now she doesn't want you to go, she's acting out like a child "don't care that you're leaving! Glad about it...!" As the visit has gone well, that does seem possible.
Obviously that doesn't make it any less hard to hear or less difficult that you have a mother who doesn't relate to you in a healthy way, but it can be helpful to understand when behaviour may be rooted in something broken or not properly developed in someone else, rather than it being about you not being loved/lovable iyswim.

My mother is like this. I'm now no contact with her and it's truly blissful. You spent the whole time hoping thinking that things will be better this time, and then - bam- there's the nasty cutting remark. The fact that you also take DS with you to make it easier was also true of me - until one DC told me he couldn't stand it either and the other said she was only coming to support me. There was the wake up call and I decided I couldn't keep living like that - hence the no contact.

The posters trying to put nice spins on this are ignoring the fact that this is not a one off and that you've tried to address it before.

I’d put good money on her actually desperately wanting you to stay and being so messed up emotionally that she instead said the exact opposite thing because to say “I’ll miss you” makes her feel too vulnerable. It’s very sad how many old. lonely, trapped and yet unable to speak kindly to their family people there are. I volunteer for a church and we visit elderly people sometimes and the things people tell me make me so frustrated and sad. One very grumpy old man told me constantly how he was really proud of his son but he always told him he wasn’t doing well because his dad had told him that if you say you’re proud of someone they will “turn to mush”. We are meant to be confidential but at his funeral I told his son his dad was really proud of him. The son was totally incredulous. Pretty sure he thought I was just saying it to be nice. But his dad worshipped him in private then in public was nothing but aloof and critical. So sad.

OP i hope you got some sleep. As pp have said, leave early go to the airport, and don't go back. Life is too short to waste on people who make you miserable.

It took me years but when I finally went no contact with my horrible mother it was like a huge weight was lifted. I no longer had to fear the next visit or phone call....because there wasn't one.

Morning OP. Just sending support. That sounds so hurtful and is really not a normal way to speak to someone you love, or anyone. Hugs to you.

It does sound like she's glad it went well & could be acknowledging that that might not continue if you stay longer.

It's a shame she can't just say that though or Op when you leave say "well you'll be glad to be rid of me" or some such.

When I visited my Dad without fail just about the first thing he would say was "now, make sure you see X, Y & Z whilst you're here".

And I knew that was his way of saying that I didn't have to spend all of my time with him just because he was putting me up.

Obviously having a difficult relationship must colour things though.

My family have a saying that fish and visitors start to stink after 3 days. We do say it to each other sometimes, it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other and enjoy each others company. Possibly something along those lines, it is difficult hosting for 3 days, particularly if you don’t see the guest that often. However, I have no idea of tone / further context so could be completely wrong!

DH’s mum is a controlling narcissist who gave him and his brother an unhappy childhood and a lifetime of mental and emotional difficulties as a result. Part of her MO was to keep them treading on eggshells, always wondering where the next spiteful sideswipe or inexplicable overreaction would come from.

When they moved away and became independent adults with partners, she couldn’t bend them to her will anymore, so instead would just drop little toxic bombs to keep everyone on their toes.

One of her specialties was to save some really nasty/critical remark to the end of a visit - always delivered in a breezy, butter-wouldn’t-melt tone, as though she had no idea how hurtful her words were. She absolutely did, but always gave herself plausible deniability.

Ruined every single visit, no matter how well we thought it had been going, no matter how hard we’d worked to host them, or how much effort we’d made to go and see them. It was her way of dropping a little turd on the whole thing - to what end I have absolutely no clue.

Sorry your mum is equally horrible, OP. It sucks.

My parents don't live far away yet every time I go over my dad always has to make a grumpy comment or have a moan at me.
It drives me insane to the point I rarely go now.

My mum recently had a surgery and I spent four days backwards and forwards and it was the worst experience ever with them.

They were rude angry stroppy snappy and very very ungrateful.

On day four one of them made a stroppy comment about being left alone and I literally did. I left and didn't go bak over for a week I was so angry.

The only reason I ended up over there so much was because the parent who made the comment turned out to be totally useless at doing anything for themselves or anyone else.

I was absolutely shocked and angry at them.

Now I keep my distance. I probably pop over for half an hour once a week and step out after that as it's toxic and gets you down.

Op I would find it very hard to actually go back again after that comment.

These bloody parents that think it's ok to say these things to their own adult children but wouldn't dream of doing it to other people or in front of other people.

Thank you everyone for all the comments. They have kept me going. Got home last night and was just so annoyed with myself as I feel like I let my guard down and told her things I hadn't wanted to. @EnjoythemoneyJane that is what she is like and I keep on kidding myself I'm imagining things. She is very very good at what one of you called love bombing and then I let my guard down but now I massively massively regret sharing things with her. I wish I didn't have to visit. It's a duty though isn't it. Hopefully another year though until I have to go again.

I wish I didn't have to visit.

Well you don't have to!

Can't leave til 3 pm tmw and it can't come soon enough.

Was just about to post to say try and leave in the morning if you have a car and do something to cheer you up like going shopping, then realised you must have left by now.

Hopefully another year though until I have to go again.

Could you stop over for one night in a nearby hotel and just see them for a few hours?