DP and ex

[calicokjte]

DP was in a relationship, the girl had a baby (not his) and he took on the role of stepdad. They were together for 3 years total. They split up in 2019. He continued to see the child every other weekend until mid-2021 when she met someone else. For the entire time she refused to allow him to be stepdad, the child would just know him by his name, eg "I'm going to mark's house".

He hasn't seen the child for around 2 years now.

We split up for the last 10 months but are now back together.

His mother, who is a narcissist and evil as hell (accused me of faking a miscarriage when I lost our son, even though DP was with me) has recently started seeing the ex and the child, inviting them around. She's done this because DP has gone non contact, so it's the only weapon she has left to use. Shes using the child to entice him. The ex will message him saying "we'll be at your mums if you want to see Lucy". His mother has always referred to the child as a brat and said she wished DP would visit without her. In fact, his mother only started seeing the child again at Xmas, conveniently the same time DP went no contact,

Anyway. DP and I discussed 2 years ago what to do next. I encouraged him to either maintain the relationship or leave her life, as to go back and forth does more harm than good. The ex refused to let him see her, so he left her life. The ex didn't try to contact him to see the kid again, until this year when she started seeing his mum.

The child is now 8, he hasnt seen her since she was 6.

I found out he unblocked the ex and she messaged him, (or he started it I don't know) just talking about the child and inviting him to his mum's to see her. He didn't go, but won't tell me much about the conversation, other than to say he told the ex he didn't want to see his mother.

I feel betrayed by this - he has unblocked her and had this conversation behind my back. I have 2 children he didn't bother with for the entire break (because I told him he was no longer in the stepdad role, same as he has NEVER been known as stepdad to Lucy)... I feel like he chose Lucy over my children. I felt like he still cares for Lucy, but not my children.

I guess I'm betrayed he still thinks and cares for that child but not mine, when the relationship has been done since 2019 and he hasn't really been in her life much since.

He doesn't have feelings for the ex, never really did. I'm not worried about that.

His mother has no doubt spread her lies to the ex about me, which also bothers me. I don't know why, I feel like the ex had power over us - like if she messages, he'll reply

AIBU to feel this way?

I'd be wary of bringing anyone into your children's lives unless they are going to be a positive and consistent

Why did you stop him seeing your kids if he had a relationship with them?

It's a good thing that he wants a relationship with his step dd and to be in her life. Why would you want him to not have that?

Why is his relationship with his step dd anything to do with you?

It all sounds pretty toxic it might be better for your kids to back away

The poor child

He isn't the biological father of the 3 kids. But, he has taken his role seriously - to the extent the mothers have allowed. One mother facilitated an ongoing relationship with the child (that he parented for circa 4.5 continuous years) and, after a 2-year interruption, has resumed some facilitation (even if it's just letterbox level so far). The other mother immediately severed the relationship with the children (and told him he was not allowed to parent them) and then restarted the relationship. He's done what the mothers have permitted when he's been with the mothers - and when he's been separated from the mothers. A name doesn't make you a stepdad; it doesn't matter if he's called "Mark".

You told him he is not your children's stepdad. But, he has always been Lucy's stepdad. He didn't choose Lucy over your kids. If he is "mommy's friend" to your kids and stepdad "Mark" to Lucy... that still doesn't change the fact that his mom is a real piece of work.

Feelings are never unreasonable; no one can help how they feel. It's a complicated situation. Do the best you can to navigate it - while remembering that the 3 kids are all more important than the various adults.

Gosh I feel sorry for all the children in this scenario. It's like they are being used as pawns in the adults lives.
Perhaps you should all think about what is best for all the children going forward and act accordingly.

Well your dp seems to be the most mature of all of you so perhaps let him make up his own mind.
i would advise your dp to find a woman with no dc and build up a family of his own.
You, the ex and the dm all need to grow up.

You're being utterly unreasonable- he told you the bare bones of the conversation, but because he didn't divulge details you're irritated at him? He's tried to be an involved step parent, twice, to women who have introduced their kids to him and both women have basically said relationship done, so you don't see the kids- and one of them (you) after abruptly stopping contact has now decided 10 months later the kids can see him again? He seems more of a grown up than either of you two are. He clearly thinks more about the kids, the impact of suddenly not seeing an adult they live with again, and their feeling than the mothers have

I didn't abruptly stop contact. He just didn't bother with them. So I told him he wasn't in that role any more.

The ex did abruptly stop contact and he hasn't seen that child for 3 years, until she got in touch recently.

My children knew he was a stepdad.

Lucy had no idea who he was and referred to him as "mummy's friend". She doesn't know he's a stepdad, and the contact from 2019-21 was inconsistent then zero from 2021