Toxic stepmum - I'd had enough

[EmmaRH]

Hi there,
Bit of a long one but i'll try and condense it. My dad has been with his gf around 7 years, with two breakups in that time. They're happy most of the time but can have some pretty big blowups, two of which have led to break ups. Ever since I met her she has been off/cold towards me and generally seems to dislike being in my presence (my sister's too). This has caused repeated issues over the years and at times damaged the relationship between me & my dad. The last breakup they had 2 years ago I was able to spend much more time with him and we really rebuilt things. He promised he would put more time into our relationship, come and visit more and not ignore my feelings around how she treats me. Then, they got back together. Have been back together 2 and a half years now and in that time I've had a wonderful baby daughter. When they first got back together she made a bit more of an effort with me, but in recent months it's gone downhill again. She deleted me and my sister off facebook for no reason after the breakup and didn't re-add us. She deleted my number and didn't re-add me/never contacts me. Even to say congrats when I gave birth. When we are all together she is overly friendly to my partner, my stepkids and my DD, but cold towards me. Will leave a room if i'm in it, rolls her eyes at things I say, takes the piss out of me even. The last time we went to stay she berated us for bringing our dog when we'd only just arrived (she knew ahead of time he was coming). She tends to avoid being in her home if we are there and doesn't want to partake in family activities, dad usually has to persuade her. This weekend for my dad's bday my sister and I planned a whole weekend of activities, all paid for. She moaned about the first activity as she didn't really want to do it, then ended it early because 'her back hurt'. The second activity she didn't seem too excited about either. We then went to the pub after and she sat on her phone most of the time. Later that evening we were playing a board game after a few wines. She was pretty snappy throughout and both her AND my partner were goading me and my sister who were on a team (they know we are a bit competitive but all in a friendly way). She kept goading us throughout and then at the end after we won I said 'Well I'm glad you guys didn't win or we wouldnt have heard the end of it!' (half joking), with that, she stormed out the room and said she was off to bed and 'done'. I said to her, 'It's just a game isn't it? Don't go to bed', and my dad tried to get her to stay but she wasn't having it. She then said 'Yeah but it's all one-sided isn't it, Emma, you've been a nightmare all night'. At which point, I lost it. I said 'What the hell is your problem with me? You clearly dislike me and I don't know why. You're nice to my partner, my kids, everyone but me and I'm fed up with it. Don't come into my home and after a lovely weekend treat me like this!'. I will admit at this point I was shouting and very upset. She then starts crying and runs off upstairs. Cue world war 3. Dad is angry at me, my partner is angry at me (he doesn't like confrontation and for us to rock the boat, despite knowing what she's put me through over the years). I apologised to my dad both in person and over text and explained that although I was out of order to shout and I shouldn't have gone to that level, it was the result of years of hurt and stonewalling from her and I'd had enough. I apologised and told him how much he means to me and how I love him and want a relationship with him for both mine and my DD's sake, but I just cannot be around her any more. I just can't do it. He hasn't replied to my message and I feel really upset I've let it get to this stage and that she's come between us once again (whilst accepting my shouting and outpouring was too much).

AIBU for wanting to cut her out my life and just focus on my relationship with my dad? :(

I should add that I also have a stepdad who has been in my life for 22 years whom I am extremely close to and love very much. I also have two stepkids of my own who I adore and am very involved with - so it hurts even more really because I can't fathom why someone would treat their stepchild this way (even though I am in my early 30s)...

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but after all this time, it’s unlikely she’s going to change. I’d say lower contact, ask your dad what the hell her problem is when she’s nice to everyone but you. Is she jealous of your dad’s attention when you’re around? She sounds horrible, being overly nice to everyone but you.

Its great that you have an awesome stepdad, but its apparent that you cannot replicate the happy blended family set up you have with your mom and him, with your dad and stepmum. For whatever reason - most probably immaturity and neediness, she doesnt like you and is looking for ways to make the time spent together combative and unpleasant. Just cut her out, who needs the bother. You are an adult, its not like youre forced to spend wednesdays and weekends in her house. Make plans to include your dad and see him seperately from her. If that means there are birthdays or christmases when he is left out, thats too bad. Toughen up, you dont have to put up with the baiting and obvious targeting of yourself. Just cut her out.

She kept goading us throughout and then at the end after we won I said 'Well I'm glad you guys didn't win or we wouldnt have heard the end of it!' (half joking), with that, she stormed out the room and said she was off to bed and 'done'. I said to her, 'It's just a game isn't it? Don't go to bed
If you'd wanted to wind her up then you succeeded with this comment! How could it have been joking when you don't even like each other? Anyway, I'd let the dust settle with your dad as men usually choose their partners over their adult kids in a bust up even if it's just for an easy life. Leave it until you can contact him in a friendly breezy way, don't mention her or any history, and fingers crossed he'll stay in touch. Accept that she has a problem with you and that there'll never be a great friendship but there's no reason why you can't lay the ground rules by being polite but distant. Good luck x

You don’t like her it’s apparent maybe she can feel this and it makes it hard to be around you ?

@ichifanny No, I don't anymore and admittedly after all the years of problems it's not likely I would, however, I have always gone above and beyond to include her, to chat to her, to hug her when I see her, and to ask her questions about her life/work/kids etc, none of which I get back. It's really hard to maintain even a friendly relationship with someone who clearly can't stand you and you don't know why. It's been hard for her to be around me and my sister from day dot, and I honestly don't know why. We are nice people, always friendly and respectful, except on this occasion where admittedly i'd had enough! :(

You're goading her, she's goading you, your partner clearly doesn't feel the way you do which makes me wonder if your perception is off? Deleting you from her Facebook after she's split from your Dad sounds entirely appropriate, for example.

Either way, doesn't sound like an enjoyable situation. But be aware if you give your Dad an ultimatum of her or you, you might lose out.

Similar boat but from age of 8 my dad got with his affair partner, a very jealous woman who controlled alot of his time with fake illnesses and things. I haven't spoken to her for 15 years as it reached a point as an adult I just didn't need to see her in my little time with family as I've lived away since aged 19 for uni. My sister doesn't speak to my dad anymore due to the breakdown in the relationship caused by his partners behaviour and him enabling it. Big old mess, awkward at weddings and family events. I'd avoid contavt as much as possible though it will mean seeing your dad less which is a shame, but even more of a shame your dad can't see what she's doing.

@harriethoyle sorry, more context probably needed. My partner doesn't particularly like her either and has been devastated for me seeing her impact over the years. He refused to go and stay at my dad's last year with our kids because of the way she made us all feel so unwelcome and comments she had made. In this situation, he thought I was out of line purely for the shouting and it being my dad's birthday weekend - for which I do hugely regret. But both he and my sister understand my hurt and why I need to cut myself off from her. Also, I'd never ever ask my dad to choose or expect him to, I merely want to spend time with him alone in future. Hope that helps.

The truth is if she's decided that she doesn't like you or your sister very much, she' s unlikely to foster good relationships between you and your father. The more efforts you put into it, the more threatened she will feel. The fact that she's quite capable of getting along with everyone else is rather grating, too, as if she's making a point.
What would she have to gain if you weren't on the scene?

I had this too and went no contact with df. He eventually divorced her but the relationship was never really the same after given all the hurt that he enabled.

You sound very measured and fair in your OP, and you seem to have 'done the right thing' in being nice to her, including her and trying to engage conversation with her etc so I understand the frustration you feel but unless you are going to have a proper sit down talk with just her to establish where the animosity comes from (and for her to be truthful), you're on a hiding to nothing.

Unless she explains her behaviour (unlikely), you have to just 'drop the rope' with her and spend time alone with Dad. Repair the relationship with your Dad as much as you can but you'll have to accept that future invites to your house or for family events, will either be rejected by both of them or by her and he'll come alone.

I'm surprised your DP was angry at you, even if you did shout and become confrontational. It's not HIS dad and relationship that's being affected is it so him being 'angry' at you is of no help or consequence really. Just piles on the guilt for you for having ruined a nice* weekend.

*- only just about 'nice' because you've kept the peace all along!

It sounds as though you don’t like each other and wind each other up?

why did you / your sister plan all the activities for your dad, during his birthday weekend? Did you consult step mum about her own plans, for their time, what she wanted to do? It sounds like you totally disregarded her. She’s his wife, like it or not.

i think you and your step mum should avoid each other and stop fighting over your dad, until you can each truly accept that you are adults with your own roles in his life.

You are not unreasonable, and your partner must grow a spine. Your stepmom, on the other hand, seems both absurd and machiavellian in her actions toward you. She has driven a wedge between you and your father. She is adept at playing the victim and has manipulated the situation. Personally, I would now let things lie and pursue your relationship with your father to the exclusion of your stepmom.

You are jealous of each other

Think about it

You planned a whole weekend for her partner without her input and expected her to smile and participate without question

She did participate in the activities which she clearly didnt enjoy and she went along with it

You got your arse out because she didnt participate in the right way to your high exoectations

She deleted you when they split. Why would she re add you knowing that you will be constantly criticising everything she posts on social media. This is a good thing for both of you and probably what I would do too. Its healthier for you both

She doesnt have to like you... you dont have to like her.

Your poor dad stick in the middle of this.

Im not sure shes doing anything terribly wrong tbh.

Be polite and civil when You're together. Your relationship is with your dad not her.

I don't blame you at all for wanting to cut her off, just be aware that cutting her off will mean cutting your dad off because he will not be allowed to have a relationship with you if she cant. My dads gf was like this......and my dad was weak and enabled her behaviour because he was scared of her dumping him and him being left on his own. He made it very clear that they came as a package and I knew to keep my relationship with him, I had to tolerate her.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it really is hurtful. You need to decide whether your life is more peaceful with the situation as it is or without contact from either of them. I was always very conscious not to fall out with my dad as I didn't want any regrets if he died suddenly (which he did)....and also I didn't want his stupid cow of a gf thinking she had won because she would have loved it if all his kids cut him off.

Shes a twat and your dad is too. Your partner should also have backed you. Don't know why you apologised really.

My dad remarried the woman he had an affair with. 14years later, turned out my sister was telling the truth about how mean dads wife had been to her. I caught her and at the time I was 19years old. I lost my shit. Ended up with giving a dad an ultimatum - have a relationship with his kids without her being involved or nothing. He didn’t choose us. We were estranged when he died. My only regret, not having it out with them both in the same room.

My husbands dad did the exact same. Married a woman who turned out to me a right bitch. Same ultimatum was given and same choice made.

There is no one, no matter how old my daughters are, that would come between us. Their dad, my husband, if we didn’t work out feels the same. They will always come first.

My advice to you is, what you allow is what will continue. Your own happiness and that of your daughter is no1 priority.
We all have our limits and yours was reached that night.

Don’t be hard on yourself.

why don’t you and your sister try and find a day you are free and see if your dad can see you and your families without her coming? If your dad is serious about having a relationship with you it shouldn’t be an issue for him to stand up to her and have one day/afternoon with his family