WIBU to cancel DD's birthday stuff

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Plans are to take DD out to do some of her fav stuff on her birthday in a few days time. She'll be 12.
Caveat: she's had some other parent related trauma in her life and is in therapy.

She is vile quite a lot of the time.
She is rude, entitled, a lot of typical teenage crap.
Procrastinating, ask her to do X, she'll do Y first but actually X doesn't happen.

She ignores rules and boundaries and no amount of consequence seems to matter to her. She ramps up and ramps up. Her temper is on a hairpin trigger.

She's angry at me all the time. She flounces in and out. Shouts at me. Tells me to stop talking. I don't care. I hate you.
Complains about the state of our home. Walks around growling about how much she hates her life, her home, pointing out all the mess but doing 0 to help.
She is a nightmare to deal with if she isn't getting her way.
She is late for everything, and furious with me if she's late but furious with me if I give her time reminders.
Everything is a battle. Every single thing.

I begrudge taking her out and spending time and money on her tbh. I really begrudge it.
Money is tight and I have to juggle it to make it available for splurges like birthdays.
If we do go out, I can guarantee that no amount will be enough, she'll say it is but then on the way home/next day, she'll complain about what she didn't get.
WIBU to cancel plans and say no. You're so awful at the moment I don't feel like doing it?

If you're at your wits end I don't think a birthday is the time to start pulling the trigger on big changes to get your child to act in an appropriate manner, especially given the parent related trauma.

But I don't see why you can't scale back celebrations to decorations, photos of her at all ages collacged into a 12, a homemade thoughtful celebration. Not celebrating her birthday is creating more negative memories, going to dramatically impact your relationship further and make it harder to make positive steps.

But after her birthday what is stopping you from removing privileges like phones, Internet access, etc, unless chores are completed. Make her earn it. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Family counselling would be good to share and understand each other's points of view in a safe environment.

But she's trying to push you away as you're the one who is still around. She's expecting you to leave and not care. Don't do that.

Yes YABU. She is 12!

Stop her birthday and you'll be the enemy. She's 12. Hormone central, and possibly looking for reassurance. She's 12.

Probably exactly what I needed to read.

I've done all those things re taking the phone, internet etc. she just gets worse.
Maybe I just needed the rant. 😢

@MrsDeathOfRats rant away. Mum life is so hard!!!!!!!

It's most likely hormones kicking in at that age. I wouldn't cancel her birthday events as she'll blame you forever and it won't help.
I would continue to deny her access to her phone and the Internet, and make getting it back conditional on her behaviour.
So if she continues to be rude and defiant, add another day without it, but she can earn it back by moderating her behaviour.

She isn't giving you a hard time on purpose she is having a hard time being consistent will help her even if she lashes out so rules about phone and Internet just carry them through but cancelling her birthday is only going to give her a negative memory, I don't think you need to go all out and be elaborate on her Birthday lots of fuss isn't going to make her appreciate you more she's at the stage of nothing you do will be good enough. So have her birthday and see how it pans out.

I think @BookArt has pretty much said it.

You must feel exhausted and walking on eggshells but birthday definitely isn't the time to do it.

Hoping that things improve for you.

It’s hard but it’s when our children are at their worst that they need us the most. Something is wrong and she needs you to be her rock and her stability in a changing world. Remain calm (as possible), consistent and unremarkable. Don’t add to the volatility of teenage years. If she’s awful, try to find out what’s wrong.

When kids are tiny, and awful, we don’t just give up - we figure out the problem, stay calm and parent as best we can. This is what’s needed here too.

What is the birthday plan, what will you buy, what will you do? No reason why you can't scale it right down.

Just because she expects a lot, doesn't mean she should get it.

Thank you for the replies and support!

She's already had her big friends birthday party.
Which was awesome and she enjoyed it.

The plan is to go get her favourite food (which funnily enough is the one type of food her brother really can't stomach!)
Then just wonder around in London doing whatever she wants.

Her gifts are all bought and wrapped etc. I wouldn't take that away.

Absolutely, to the point of she can expect things but doesn't mean she'll get them. It just makes me sad that everything is met with disappointment and resentment because it isn't enough.
I have to work so hard to control my face when she complains as well.

If she's had her big birthday party then that's more than enough.

Tell her that that's all you can afford this year. And do the same for the other dc.

She does sound spoilt.

It will never be enough she is spoilt or acting spoilt you either need to scale back on stuff or lower her expectations.

Don't cancel my mum was a narcissist and she would promise me days out then cancel at the last minute until I wrote her a sorry letter even when I'd done nothing wrong.
Obviously this is completely different but it stays with me all these years later and hurts. Shes12 and having hormones and trauma in her life won't help.
You'll get threw this 11-14 were the hardest years with my child

Actions should have consequences, so I would support you in not having the day out.

Painful now, might save more pain later.

I mean birthday parties and lots of presents and getting to do what she wants on her birthday Is an awful lot of indulgence

A party, presents and a meal out is enough. If she's struggling with feeling nothing is enough you might be better off planning specific things with her. Avoid her being disappointed by having a clear plan.

It's important to understand what trauma she is experiencing and where she is at with her therapy

My experience of working with young people who have experienced trauma shows that they tend to behave in this way. This behaviour is communication.

My daughter is 12 and sounds the same as yours ! However I would never dream of cancelling anything to do with her birthday as I want her to know that no matter how difficult she is we still love her and want to do nice things for her , hopefully she will eventually realise her life isn't so bad after all, once the hormones have settled a bit . My thinking is cancelling her birthday celebrations is just giving her more ammo for the whole "horrible parent " narrative that these young girls like to preach about , although your daughter as well as mine really have no idea what it's like to have "horrible parents " hang in there , it gets better , my eldest daughter is 19 and she still has her moments but nothing like she was at that age

I'm so glad I don't have kids

Misery.

Thanks for the support to all except Hattie.

I am calmer today. I can see how damaging it would be to cancel things.
I am struggling. Doing it alone whilst balancing everything and my god, she's vile at times!
I don't think I would have dared be as vile and outspoken as she is. My parents would have flogged me

She's had her birthday party. Forget the day to London. She doesn't need 2 birthdays.

The first answer has it!