To wonder why friend barely makes contact in a group setting?

[VioletW]

I have a close friend of nearly 10 years. Since COVID we've been long distance friends but we talk on the phone once a week or every other week.

Two years ago we went on holiday and I noticed that whenever there was 3 of us (me, her, and a specific women, let's call her Sarah), she would barely make eye contact with me while talking to both of us. It really bugged me but I forgot about it

We are now on holiday again and she's doing the same thing! She'll make eye contact with Sarah most of the time and me about 25% of the time.

AIBU to feel really bothered about this? I'm giving her undivided attention and she's not looking. Meanwhile Sarah has clocked it i'm sure as she's started looking away from her and at me instead.

Oh dear. *Barely makes eye contact was the key part!

Can't change the title now...

Im not sure about this, some people just seem to have more eye command (thats a phrase I have just made up) because Ive noticed that in a particular group Im with, one of them Im looking at most of the time.

I do try to change the gaze.

It's winding me up. I forgot all about her doing it on the last trip because we always talk on the phone.

It makes me feel like I'm not really in the conversation. And yet consider her a close friend. I would only expect someone who dislikes me to do this.

Maybe she senses how much you dislike her but can’t understand what she’s doing wrong, so she’s just retreating and trying not to antagonise you further, which is having opposite effect.

Do you have ’cold’ eyes? (LOL)
Or do perhaps hild quite intense eye contact?

I’ve noticed that I keep better eye contact with people who have worm, kind eyes, who looks at me - but not stare harshly.

I’m sure you’re fine, op, btw.
But there really is difference when it comes to people I like / can hold that eye contact.

I don't dislike her! We're close friends.

Which is why the behaviour is so bewildering.

Is she keener to “impress” Sarah? Are you the long established comfy friend and Sarah is the new cool version?

It would annoy me too.

No I don't @FindThatThing - I'm fairly sure I have warm and friendly eyes. Well I've been told so anyway!

I have family, friends, colleagues - and the only person that does this is this friend.

No @Sunnydiary it's the opposite.

She's known Sarah since childhood. I'm technically the newer friend she sees less but we are still close.

I don't see any good way to bring it up either

I seriously wouldn’t read into this. She may not even be aware she’s doing it. Maybe she’s in love with Sarah. Either way I don’t think proportionality of eye contact determines your friendship.

Yeah, sorry I didn’t mean anything bad, really.

I don’t know, is there something really personal that you know about her or something ’embarrassing’ that happened?
That she could feel little shame about?

But if she keeps in contact with you and otherwise all is fine - it’s most likely nothing bad or something to worry about.

Like I said - for me, with some people it’s easier and with some it’s not that easy, but it doesn’t mean anything bad about those people, it just happens 🤗

@FindThatThing the only possible thing I can think of is that she confides in me a lot about her partner who was also there.

I don't know if she confides in Sarah to the same extent. If she doesn't that suggests I'm the one with most of the info, which might be fine on the phone but more embarrassing in person. Just guessing here. It's odd.

I think it can be lack of self confidence sometimes, like an attempt to make yourself less obvious or visible. Maybe she is intimidated by you for some reason?

See!?

That could be it.
Maybe she’s worried you might make a knowing ’look’ (IM SO SORRY I just keep accusing of things 😭) or she’s one of those people who have moments of regrets for opening up too much.

But please don’t worry too much.
Don’t let it get to you, not always so easily done, I know….

I've noticed this with certain people. It makes you feel like a third wheel. No advice though..

I'm trying to stick to the mumsnet guidelines but with ridiculous posts like this it's hard. Are you from the 'you dont like your friend' club, there's always someone who comes onto a thread and says this, it literally makes no sense at all. Where did you read op doesn't like her friend. She obviously likes her or it wouldn't hurt her feelings.

It seems fairly obvious to me — you see this friend face to face very seldom, and you usually talk on the phone. She’s fallen out of the habit of looking at you when speaking to you..?