Anyone else forgotten how to live?

[Crosc]

My child was born with a rare contrition and was ill for the best part of a decade. In that time we were entirely house bound.

Now that my child is no longer with us, DH and I are still living very similar lives. We don’t go anywhere, we don’t do anything. I didn’t notice at first but now I see how this is not living.

typical weekend: I will wake up, tidy house, do some gardening chores in my minuscule garden, read for the day (possibly craft), walk dog and cook a meal. I can’t say these are activities I particularly enjoy but they are what I have become accustomed to.

I once had a solid group of friends but our lives took us in different directions. My sisters are still very emotionally involved and visit dh and I maybe once a month for a takeaway/home cooked meal.

Dh and I are still young (early 40s) but my brain just isn’t wired to think of plans.

What could we do?

This is my list so far

• museums, plays, posh cinema, historical sites, beer/wine festivals, concerts, beach days

Just got to do one of these things one day

I’m so sorry about your child x

I would recommend joining a group that brings you into contact with people, either a hobby group or some kind of volunteering.

If you have a craft you enjoy - find a group for it

Have you considered volunteering?

Look at the cinema and local theatres and venues. Find a film or a show that interests you. Don't over think. Just book

Take yourselves out for a meal in a pub or restaurant. Either as a couple or invite your sisters

Visit your sisters at home

Start walking or cycling or running locally with a group or join a gym

Book a beauty appointment

Visit local NT properties

I'm sorry about your child, it can be hard to get out of these habits when they become ingrained.

I'm sorry to read of the loss of your child.

Depending on the condition, is there a support group offered by a relevant charity? There's a number of organisations here. I know people who had good experience of SLOW (Surviving the Loss Of your World) and learning how to rejoin the world again but it was some time ago. I hope others have more up to date recommendations for you.

slowgroup.co.uk/support-groups/

slowgroup.co.uk/uk-bereavement-support-organisations/

I would suggest something you can make progress in. Something with goals and measurable progress. e.g. progression in a sport (could be anything from couch to 5k to an Ironman) or academic (anything from a pottery class to a degree).

If you look up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the things you are expressing a need for are esteem (feelings of accomplishment) and self actualisation (achieving potential).

Obviously this would be very much complicated by the loss of your child, and everything you have been through. Have you had any professional support?

I’m so sorry for your loss. No wonder you feel like this.

Just try things out, you don’t have to put the pressure on yourselves to make big commitments to clubs etc. just trial and error and see if anything brings that interest you’re looking for.

You could join the National Trust and make it a project to visit all the NT properties in your area within a year.

Sorry for the passing of your child. You have been, and continue to go through, a hard and painful time so have compassion for yourselves.

Perhaps look at either taking tiny steps, perhaps with others in a similar situation from a bereavement group if that is something that works for you.

Another way is to just write down anything and everything you can think of doing - trip the beach, walk round the pond in the local park, museum visit and everything inbetween. Then divide them up in terms of easy local things that don’t need planning and big things that do or cheap/expensive or however you want. The write them on to post it’s using a colour for each group and put them in a jar. Then just pick one at random and do it. You may find it gets you out of the “I don’t know what to do” cycle. The point of colour coding them is that you may feel you want to do something but only small lot simple depending on where your head is at, so it can save you pulling out something that could be overwhelming or trigger grief.

And while he is a divisive person to bring up I remember a newspaper interview David Cameron gave after his son Ivan passed where he spoke about a form of guilt when the family did things like a muddy walk and had fun because he knew that they could never have done that and included Ivan because they couldn’t have managed pushing his chair across a field or through a muddy wood. That is a very challenging set of feelings and you have my compassion OP.

Make a date every Saturday. During the week get your map out and choose a place to visit the following Saturday, read up on what there is to see and do there and make plans.

Could you reach out to re-connect with one of your old friends? Life is about people and connections. Doing new things is fine, but I think we all need others in our lives to share things with. Its a lonely old slog otherwise.

Can you afford to take a sabbatical from work? Do something entirely different. Three months travel? Volunteering abroad? Total space and new experiences.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Oh @Crosc, I'm sorry and I know what you mean about forgetting how to live. My dc has a brain tumour and our lives are extremely small compared to friends and family. I think the extent is often hidden and it's certainly one of the unspoken aspects of caring for a child. I can only imagine the void left in your lives and also the tension between a desperation to live and be part of the world but at the same time, what on earth does that look like for you both now.

Could you start with a weekly class based on your crafting?/or a new type of art class. Do you know someone who may want to come along too? You have to try a few before you find one you love, but then that could give you ideas about exhibitions you may want to see, art galleries you'd love to visit and then that leads to visiting other cities and towns. Are you in an area of the country where there's much going on? It may be a good idea to start with smaller galleries no more than 45 mins away from home to build up your confidence for the bigger trips. I think it's hard to motivate yourself for the sake of it, but if you're able to indulge your interest, that may give you a why.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You and DH will be going through a really painful and difficult time and often during this it’s easier to keep doing what you always did, there’s comfort in familiar things.

Having been a full time carer for my husband for a number of years until his passing I can fully understand and empathise with the situation you find yourselves in. It feels like you have forgotten what else you can do and you find yourself in the rut of your routine, but at the same time there is a huge gap in that as your loved one isn’t there. It’s small steps at first and reminding yourself it’s ok to do different things now and not feel guilty about doing the things you couldn’t with your DC.

Things I found helped :

Booking to go to the theatre or cinema once a month - something in the diary to look forward to. I set myself the goal of making sure I always had a least one event in the calendar.

Visit the beach and go for a walk / coffee

Take your book and sit in the coffee shop for an hour or two ( different environment to home)

Visit the local NT properties / local gardens

Sit in the local park with a coffee and your book - enjoy people watching for a bit

Check out the local museums and visit any special events

Reach out to one of your old friends for coffee

Think about doing some study with the OU / local college to learn a new skill or subject - provides some structure and a different routine.

I liked swimming so started going once a week and set myself targets to improve my number of lengths / time to complete

Book a weekend away - enjoy the spontaneity of being able to just throw your bag into the car without having to plan a military campaign. It’s ok - give yourself permission ( or if that’s difficult I give you and your DH permission to go and enjoy the break ) Plan 2 or 3 so you have them in the diary to look forward to.

Find a local group with similar interests to yourself and join ( book club / art / wine tasting / music , whatever …. )

It will take time as you have to rewire your brain and thought processes to think about the things you can do and lose the “can’t do because…….” tag and accept some days you just don’t want to do anything, just be quiet with your thoughts , memories and grief - that’s ok too. Full on caring has been a huge part of your life and you have to transition at your own pace.

Don’t push yourself too hard, be gentle and kind with yourself and DH - it will happen and you will find a new life rhythm.

So sorry for your loss op.

Did you have any hobbies when you were younger or anything you'd like try? Book club, learn a language, exercise class? Would get you out the house and meet new people.

Sorry for your loss @Crosc

How old is your dog - can you do an activity with them? There are loads, from agility to hoopers, mantrailing, canicross etc

I do agility with mine and it's quite additive and takes up lots of time! Many couples go together and camp at competitions or spend a few days locally seeing somewhere new