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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I overthinking things my in-laws have said

12 replies

Lac24 · 21/07/2024 09:39

So my main issue is with the female members of my husbands family, his mother and sister. So my ds is almost a year old now but in the first early months he was a typical newborn and my husband and I were typical sleep deprived new parents, while on paternity leave we split the care 50/50 and slept in shifts, when he went back to work, (as he starts late and finishes late), when he got home he used to take over for abit so I could have a break/sleep then any wakings after 3am I tuck over again, so he could get enough sleep for work, and that just worked for us during the newborn stage. So anyway back then, we were visiting his parents and it was all fine until we were leaving soon so my husband went upstairs to use the toilet, and then, after he had left the room my MIL asked me if husband was getting anymore sleep now, not me, just specifically him, so I just responded that he just takes over for bit when he comes home from work but he still gets plenty of sleep during the night, as I take over and he gets a lay in as he starts late. I thought it was a strange question so I asked my husband about it on the way home, he said he didn't know why she asked me that but thought it was just a normal thing to ask me, I thought it would be if she was just asking are we both getting more sleep now, or is ds sleeping better now, but she just asked about him. Another example would be my husband had started a new job but was annoyed about one of the bosses who he complained about often and I heard him complaining to them on the phone about it, to which I had already told him to just ignore him and just don't worry about work when he's on his days off, I heard them both say pretty much exactly the same, don't worry about it too much. A few days later my MIL was around and mentioned his boss he was annoyed at to me while my husband yet again, was not in the room, and I said, 'yes I just told him to not stress too much about it and enjoy the weekend', to which MIL suddenly responded mardily, 'yeah well, easier said then done that isn't it', to which I was abit taken back and thought, what a hypocrite. Of course MIL has had other instances like this over the years but I would be going on and on, so one thing his sister has done that really annoyed me - bit of context first, all his siblings have pretty strong personalities and when they all get together they are very loud, not leaving much room for anyone else, and I'm the only partner so feel abit of an outcast sometimes, so, his sister invited us to go to her house just for a meet up with everyone, when I was about 30ish weeks pregnant with ds, we were free that day so just said yes we'll come. We went and all was fine, end of story until much after that I was told his sister asked my husband a few days before the said meet up if I was going to be coming too, to which he said yes, then apperently she asked him if he could just come, when he asked why she said well she just never seems that interested in the past at these things so what's the point in her coming really, he apperently said, well she's just not as loud as you guys that's all. I just couldn't belive she even tried to get my husband to ditch his pregnant wife at home all day on his day off and exclude me from a family meetup, there have been times like this before where the siblings have made me feel excluded aswel. So just wanted thoughts on this, am I just massively overthinking? Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 21/07/2024 09:42

My mil never understood why dh's priorities had shifted.. Her nose was well out of joint when I had a prem dc and a suspected heart attack and he refused their holiday invite..

Catza · 21/07/2024 09:46

He is their son and, while it would be nice if they worried about you to the same degree, it’s unrealistic to expect that as a given.
As to the “easier said than done” comment, I often say that to people even after I have given them the advice not to stress myself. Because it is objectively easier said than done. The only reasonable response to that is “it is, isn’t it”.

bigageap · 21/07/2024 09:50

Well she is his mother so perhaps her concerns do lie more with him. And yes it’s controversial on MN but the person who is back at work does need sleep to ensure they can function and are not dangerous driving etc.

as for the sister you obviously don’t like one another so who cares! But pregnancy isn’t an illness so surely not the end of the world if he went out without you 🤦‍♀️

Illbethereforyouuu · 21/07/2024 09:50

Asking has he slept much is normal. He's working, he needs sleep at normal times. On maternity leave or as a SAHM you can sleep whenever. The second example, again completely normal. You seem to have an issue over things that are just normal conversation.

The 3rd example, yeah I can see why his sister said that when you are taking offence to the other things mentioned. They find you awkward, it sounds like you are being awkward.

This is something you need to work on, to be a bit more relaxed about normal conversations.

DDivaStar · 21/07/2024 09:54

The first two mean nothing, they are perfectly normal conversations.

The last bit is nasty by SIL, but guess you're different and maybe its obvious you're not particularly enjoying the occasion.

Gazelda · 21/07/2024 09:59

You do seem to be overthinking. The two MIL incidents seem complete non-events. Both comments are the sort of things I'd say.

Your DH has to balance sleep with work and other responsibilities. Of course she's going to wonder if he's getting good sleep. She knows that your life is a little more flexible and you're probably able to rest more during the day or have a day snuggling at him if you've had a bad night.

He's been moaning to the two of you about his boss. Both have given similar advise. She simply vocalised what you're also thinking, ie it's easy to give advice but less easy to live it.

Your SIL is rude. I'd be offended by that too. Just ignore her (it's easier said than done, though).

Hopefully your DH is focussing his priorities on you and your DC. He and his family sound very close which can be hard for anyone new to the family. Try not to let them bother you.

Lac24 · 21/07/2024 10:08

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts on this, I must try to stop overthinking 😆 its always been a problem for me. I'd like to think I'm not being awkward at family events as I don't make it obvious I've taken offence to anything said I just tend to think about it alot afterwards, it's hard to compete conversation wise with a group of very loud people if your a naturally shy person also, I just think there was no need for his sister to try to exclude me, if she doesn't like me she just has to accept I'm her brothers wife, and none of them having ever had partners themselves I don't think they understand totally.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 21/07/2024 10:27

I do think you’re overthinking this a lot. Your MIL’s comments are totally normal and inoffensive. Your husband is her child, so yes, she is going to think of him first.

Your SIL’s comments sound a bit off on the face of it, but I do wonder if you have given the impression of being unhappy/withdrawn at events etc if you do take offence or worry about non-issues like the examples you gave re. your MIL?

TinyYellow · 21/07/2024 10:33

You are definitely overthinking the comment from your mil about your DH’s boss. There is literally nothing there that is wrong or hypocritical. Her asking about his sleep is fine, he’s her son and he’s working. I’d be upset at being excluded by sil too so that’s fair enough, but the more important question is why did your DH tell you this?

Lac24 · 21/07/2024 10:46

It got brought up as he was using it as an example that he does stick up for me when it comes to his family.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 21/07/2024 11:18

Your MIL could be coming from different aspects:

  • he is working so need sleep to function - fare enough (my own mum did this about DH after DD was born, it drove me bonkers tbf)
  • he is my son and I always worry about him not about you - which is natural but not a sensible approach if she wants good relationship with you all.
we don’t know which one of them it was but if it was the latter one, I would just accept that she’s that type of person and ignore a bit.

I also wonder if your DH is moaning too much to his parents about his difficulties of the adult life and pass his conversations with his relatives to you too much.
And in the nicest possible way don’t expect MIL to care for your sleep (it’s a bonus if she does) that’s your mum’s job.

redalex261 · 21/07/2024 11:27

I agree with other posters, first two comments are non-issues in my opinion.

The thing about SIL wishing her brother could have attended family meet up without you - it was a bit insensitive, but clearly you don’t get on, and if none of the others have partners I can see why she maybe would have liked a chance for a get-together with just immediate family, as it would perhaps be more relaxed for some especially as you don’t have the same personality type as the rest. Maybe her attitude on this would be different if she had a partner to consider.

I wouldn’t take offence, I love my BIL dearly and really enjoy hanging out with him, but I don’t want to see him every time I meet up with sister. It’s sometimes nice (just occasionally) to spend a wee bit of time with just those you have gone through your entire life with; you don’t have to “be” any particular way as they know you so well. It’s hard to articulate, and I think only really applies if you have great family bonds.

Good luck with baby!

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