Is this financial abuse ?

[pollkla]

I recently lost my job and I'm looking for another.

However in the mean time, I'm now a stay at home mum until I can find another job.

When I was working, I paid for all food, child related things.

H pays mortgage and bills.

Now I'm not working he claims I always overspent before and I need to budget better. He gives me money every month but it's just not enough and when I ask for more he always complains.

Nobody can answer your question without knowing income and expenditure.

He also forgets stuff that I've paid for, from the money he's given me- and then acts all annoyed when I need more money.

For example I paid for some private medical appointments for my son or I paid for our car to be repaired and now the money has gone quicker than expected, but he acts like I just wasted lots of money when he knows what I paid for.

There isn’t really enough information to tell if it is financial abuse or not.

How many people are you buying food for and how much money does he give you?
What are the other child related costs he is giving you money for?
Do you have savings or any UC or other benefit income as you are currently unemployed?
Did you get a large redundancy pay out?
Have you been spending like you did when you were both working?

He's using money as a form of power and control over you. Is this a pattern in your relationship? Is he angry or resentful about something?

Ideally you'd have a joint bank account and not have to ask for money, it's humiliating.

As he is forgetful, would it make sense to set up a joint account for household bills so that he can see where his money is going?

Also, as you are unemployed any redundancy payments, benefit payments (ie new style JSA, child benefit, UC) and so on should go towards these costs.

Difficult to say without more information. Are you barely getting by on one income and he’s worried about finances? Are you (and he) spending only on essentials or on extras?
It could be that’s he’s worried about providing for everyone on his sole income, or it could be that he’s using the fact he’s currently the sole earner to put control over you, but it’s difficult to say without knowing more about your finances and lifestyle.

He's a high earner as was I.

I have cut back since I stopped working, just because I meal prep more.

But for example my card is linked to Deliveroo.

He thinks nothing to keep asking to order stuff ( 150 pounds ) last weekend for his entire family.

Then he's surprised where the money goes.

I used to just pay for stuff like that but I can't anymore.

Or if there was a medical appointment, I could just pay for it. Or anything extra for the kids. But he basically has no idea how much things cost.

Suggest to him that he does the shopping. He can do it online if he doesn't have time to go (even better if he is in when it arrives and puts it away). You could give him a suggested list or just leave him to it. Tell him to make sure he buys everything for evening meals/snacks etc. Be sure to tell him if you run out of washing powder etc.

Give him lists of child related things you need and when you need them by - he can do it - e.g. all their uniform and school shoes by mid August. Any school branded stuff ordered next week so it has time to come. If he wants to take a day off for your child's appointments and pay while he is there he will remember where his money has gone then.

You will still need money of course for day to day stuff like meeting a friend or while you are out and about with the kids etc e.g. taking them swimming.

The idea of the above is he will realise that life is expensive and still costs a lot if he has to do it but also takes his time.

Is it possible that there just isn't enough money while it is only him earning and actually he is just stressed that he can't afford to cover everything? In that case you will need to sit down together and see where you can cut back or use credit until you are working again.

Then next time say no sorry I don’t have enough in my budget for that.

Hard to say wether it’s abuse or not but obviously you need to spend less money and we don’t no if you were overspending before

You said it yourself - he has no idea how much things cost and he doesn’t seem to have adjusted to the loss of a second income. This doesn’t sound like a financial abuse to me. More of a financial incompetence, possibly from both of you.

Are you not able to have an adult conversation with him?

Unlink your card from deliveroo and any similar services e.g. buying apps/ renting movies/ebay/amazon/number plate recognition card linked car parking anything that is "swipe to buy". If he buys something he will have to put his own payment information in.

you should sit down together and work it out imo

he basically has no idea how much things cost.

Then it is not likely to be control of you, but a desire to get the spending under some kind of joint control. I strongly recommend that joint account. You can still keep personal accounts as well. The joint can be for all household stuff. Then he can see what everything costs, he can scroll through the transactions as can you. You can see what utilities, council tax, and the rest cost. Then you can both have an adult discussions on household budgets and costs.

I’d link a card from a new joint account to these things.

It might be financial abuse but at the moment it's probably thoughtlessness eg ordering the Deliveroo.

You need a long conversation where you sit down and budget everything, including stuff that easily gets missed eg birthday presents, snacks. It sounds like he's a bit financially clueless and hasn't properly adapted to the lower income.

If after that he still doesn't get it, yes it's going in to abuse.

My dh used to complain about the food shop. I sent him out and the bill was ridiculously high, he bought stuff we didn’t really need. I plan for the week, he was getting stuff that he fancied. He’s banned now and just goes the milk and bread run now.
I agree with sitting down and working it out.
Good luck in your new search for a job 💐

It sounds like you both need to sit down and go through your outgoings. See how they stack up against his one income and budget accordingly.

Please tell us you have got your name on the house!
and don’t have a joint account with him

Just say you can’t afford it? £150 on deliveroo is ridiculous

He sounds awful

Another one for unlink the card from everything. Put the details in as a one off if you need it but don't save it to the site.

How can he take £150 off you for his family and then complain that you spend too much?

However... If you are one significant income down then both of you have to rethink your spending patterns. You are probably used to buying whatever you want whenever you want it, and that may have to be reined in a bit.