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Original poster

Would you tell a male friend you liked them/ask them out?

33 replies

catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:44

If this has happened for you and you got rejected, did your friendship survive?
If the reserve happened, i.e. the male friend liked you and you didn't, did your friendship remain?

I like a guy I've been friends with for about 3 months but I have zero intention of telling him.
It's sad but the last time this happened, I took it well, just distanced myself a little but made it clear it was no big deal/wasn't awkward /I still wanted to talk/just needed a bit of space.

However the friendship was never the same again, he didn't want me talking to him/texting him ever again even though I completely dropped the subject and just acted casually.
The friendship was ruined because I asked him out.

I understand it it sucks and this is why I have no intentions of asking my male friend out now.

OP posts:
Turophilic · 20/07/2024 17:45

It will ruin the friendship. Depends on whether you are interested in being friends.

Surely if there’s a spark, you’ll become conscious of it?

AnathemaPulsifer · 20/07/2024 17:45

If you’ve only been friends three months why not gamble on it working as a relationship? I did in similar circumstances and had a great relationship for a couple of years.

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:46

Turophilic · 20/07/2024 17:45

It will ruin the friendship. Depends on whether you are interested in being friends.

Surely if there’s a spark, you’ll become conscious of it?

With the previous one, I was happy to be just friends but he wanted nothing more to do with me. It really knocked my confidence.

I think there is a spark with this one, but I can't run the risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:47

AnathemaPulsifer · 20/07/2024 17:45

If you’ve only been friends three months why not gamble on it working as a relationship? I did in similar circumstances and had a great relationship for a couple of years.

True.. but if he says no, I need to accept that I've lost out on both a relationship and a friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:49

I like to know people as friends first and then date them, but the previous experience massively put me off.
Even though I really scaled it back, kept things platonic and spoke to him much less, he acted like I was some sort of pest for daring to still speak to him. Even though I was clear I didn't mind being just friends. He obviously felt very uncomfortable which is a shame, but it happens.

OP posts:
AndAnotherThingToo · 20/07/2024 17:50

I had this at university. He and I were friends and both with other people-those relationships ended. I fancied him , but thought he was out of my league -drop dead gorgeous. One night he gave me a lift on a night out with a group of friends. It was torrential rain when we parked and he just turned to me and kissed me. Was like a movie 😂😂 After a while there was banging in the car windows -our friends -who were not at all surprised as they’d always thought we should be together.
we had a lovely relationship -didn’t last for various reasons, but was god because we had been friends first.
And… he said he had beenn’trykng for ages to get me interested but was worried as I was out of his league 😂😂)

BleachedJumper · 20/07/2024 17:51

I don’t really think of people I’ve known for 3 months as friends.

we can be friendly, but generally they are in the acquaintance group, usually through circumstance like a workplace/hobby group/local pub. If you remove the common thread you share, would they still actively be in your life in a year or fives time?

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:52

AndAnotherThingToo · 20/07/2024 17:50

I had this at university. He and I were friends and both with other people-those relationships ended. I fancied him , but thought he was out of my league -drop dead gorgeous. One night he gave me a lift on a night out with a group of friends. It was torrential rain when we parked and he just turned to me and kissed me. Was like a movie 😂😂 After a while there was banging in the car windows -our friends -who were not at all surprised as they’d always thought we should be together.
we had a lovely relationship -didn’t last for various reasons, but was god because we had been friends first.
And… he said he had beenn’trykng for ages to get me interested but was worried as I was out of his league 😂😂)

Edited

That's good to hear it worked out.

If I had a male friend who liked me and I didn't, I'd still carry on being friends as long as they were respectful about it and things were clear.
If they kept on asking me out/to change my mind then no, but if they were just talking normally then I wouldn't treat them like dirt just because they'd liked me. It's mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:53

BleachedJumper · 20/07/2024 17:51

I don’t really think of people I’ve known for 3 months as friends.

we can be friendly, but generally they are in the acquaintance group, usually through circumstance like a workplace/hobby group/local pub. If you remove the common thread you share, would they still actively be in your life in a year or fives time?

I don't know, how long before someone was classed as a friend?
Either way, it's not always easy to make connections/find people you click with so it still sucks to lose that.

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 20/07/2024 17:55

So, my DH was my friend for ages before we got together. He tried to ask me out 2 years before we got together. But I said no (had a lot of stuff going on and knew I was not in a good place relationship-wise). We remained friends (slightly awkward for a few weeks, but otherwise fine!)

Then I asked him out 2 years later. We started dating. That was 10 years ago. Got married 7 years ago and have 2 kids.

I love him. But we're also best friends.

BleachedJumper · 20/07/2024 17:56

But the connection you have is that you fancy him and want to have a relationship.

I don’t think the guy who liked you and you didn’t reciprocate with that feeling treated you badly. He wanted you as a girlfriend/love interest, you didn’t and be accepted that and moved on.

Are you someone who cares a lot about how you are perceived? Are you quite young?

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:57

EsmeSusanOgg · 20/07/2024 17:55

So, my DH was my friend for ages before we got together. He tried to ask me out 2 years before we got together. But I said no (had a lot of stuff going on and knew I was not in a good place relationship-wise). We remained friends (slightly awkward for a few weeks, but otherwise fine!)

Then I asked him out 2 years later. We started dating. That was 10 years ago. Got married 7 years ago and have 2 kids.

I love him. But we're also best friends.

That's great you decided to remain friends with him.

The one who rejected me was ignoring me even almost a YEAR later, even though I'd developed other crushes/dated since then.

I've decided I'm not going to tell this friend sadly as that experience just put me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 17:58

BleachedJumper · 20/07/2024 17:56

But the connection you have is that you fancy him and want to have a relationship.

I don’t think the guy who liked you and you didn’t reciprocate with that feeling treated you badly. He wanted you as a girlfriend/love interest, you didn’t and be accepted that and moved on.

Are you someone who cares a lot about how you are perceived? Are you quite young?

Sorry it was the other way round, I liked him, he didn't want more.
Even almost a year later he was still distant which was ridiculous, I'd long moved on then.

I do fancy him but we're still friends, I'm not quite young and not sure what that has to do with it?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/07/2024 18:02

Why does it have to be so black and white? Why does it have to be 'Would you like to go for a drink with a view to dating and starting a relationship because I'm attracted to you in a romantic way and would like to see if we can progress to a long term relationship?' Why can't it just be 'Drink?' and gear your time together to be just the two of you?

A strong friendship will survive an unwanted advance, if it's respectful, but you've only known him 5 minutes. You can clearly remember life before you'd ever laid eyes on him. You've got food in your freezer older than your friendship!

You sound quite young. Tell people how you feel, and have your own back, so that if they reject you, you're ok. You'll be way happier this way than hiding how you feel because you're scared of rejection.

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:05

Thanks for the replies.
I'm not scared of the romantic rejection, I'm more scared of being rejected altogether.

The previous experience has put me off too much. Even almost a year later, I was seeing someone else at this point and the friend who'd rejected me was still acting off with me, it was ridiculous!

I could totally understand him feeling awkward for the first few weeks but I didn't expect it to be forevermore.

I guess it's not been that long of a friendship, but I've had friends who went on Tinder dates, rejected the guy, who was still happy to be friends and they ended up being great friends.

OP posts:
BleachedJumper · 20/07/2024 18:06

I think you just seem a bit naive about male/female dynamics, I thought you may be of student age and just developing your understanding of relationships.

If in the first weeks of knowing someone, you have a sense that you’d like to date them, what good will it do you to sit on that information? You hang around in the edges developing a stronger affection for them, for what? No one enjoys rejection, but rejection just allows you to free yourself to move on to find something else that is right for you.

MrsTartanTeacosy · 20/07/2024 18:07

My DP and I started as friends and it flowed naturally deeper and deeper until we both knew without a doubt we both wanted a relationship. Been together years, very much in love.
The friendship becomes obviously deeper simply by wanting to do more - wanting to meet each other more, or talk more, telling them news before anyone else, volunteering to help each other with things you wouldn’t necessarily have chosen to do, lingering at the end of time together because you both love it so much…huge smiles when you see each other…it really does become glaringly obvious!

Watchkeys · 20/07/2024 18:08

I'm not scared of the romantic rejection, I'm more scared of being rejected altogether

Yes. So, 'scared of rejection'. Have a look at why that's such a concern for you. You didn't have him as a friend 5 minutes ago, so, if he rejects you as a friend, you'll just be there again. Why was it so bad, not having him in your life, that you wouldn't risk asking for what you want?

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:08

True, I'm placing a lot of importance on it.
It's just that whenever I tried to talk to the ex crush/friend he acted like I was diseased.

It doesn't mean all guys are the same, this one might not be awkward with me. He's in my friendship group too. If he were someone I'd never see again, I'd be more inclined to mention it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/07/2024 18:09

It's just that whenever I tried to talk to the ex crush/friend he acted like I was diseased

So he wasn't a very good friend after all, was he?

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:10

Watchkeys · 20/07/2024 18:08

I'm not scared of the romantic rejection, I'm more scared of being rejected altogether

Yes. So, 'scared of rejection'. Have a look at why that's such a concern for you. You didn't have him as a friend 5 minutes ago, so, if he rejects you as a friend, you'll just be there again. Why was it so bad, not having him in your life, that you wouldn't risk asking for what you want?

That is very true.
I'm letting the previous experience get to me too much and I shouldn't, because not everyone is like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:10

Watchkeys · 20/07/2024 18:09

It's just that whenever I tried to talk to the ex crush/friend he acted like I was diseased

So he wasn't a very good friend after all, was he?

Indeed.
Apparently I was to never speak to him again after that incident, I just didn't know that at the time

OP posts:
Summerflames · 20/07/2024 18:12

I've had male friends ask me out in the past. Can hand on heart say it didn't ruin the friendships for us. Of the 3 that asked me out, 1 of them is still one of my closest friends to this day. The other 2, well they're in relationships/married now and we are more like casual acquaintances but that's just life.

I'm currently dating my best friend though. I asked him and we're still good 6 months in. I think our friendship is the thing that makes it so good.

Original poster
catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:13

Summerflames · 20/07/2024 18:12

I've had male friends ask me out in the past. Can hand on heart say it didn't ruin the friendships for us. Of the 3 that asked me out, 1 of them is still one of my closest friends to this day. The other 2, well they're in relationships/married now and we are more like casual acquaintances but that's just life.

I'm currently dating my best friend though. I asked him and we're still good 6 months in. I think our friendship is the thing that makes it so good.

That is so nice to hear. It's good that you didn't shun them just because they had an attraction to you.

OP posts:
Summerflames · 20/07/2024 18:14

catladiesforlife · 20/07/2024 18:13

That is so nice to hear. It's good that you didn't shun them just because they had an attraction to you.

Show quote history

It would make me a shitty person if I did that to someone just because they had feelings. You feel how you feel.