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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feel embarrassed about using apps- I know it's pathetic

32 replies

pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:45

I don't mean to offend anyone, and this seems to be a very common way to meet people nowadays.
However for some reason it makes me feel a little rejected, like no men at work nor in my friendship group were interested so I've had to resort to this.
I just feel embarrassed about it for some reason and like it's desperate to look for someone?

I constantly see on here how you're supposed to not be looking at all and you'll meet someone when you least expect it? Apparently that seems to have happened for many posters, so clearly they weren't on the apps.

This doesn't happen for me. I'm not constantly out on the prowl for men, I go to work and do my job, I see my friends, family, I travel etc. And I'm really not expecting anyone, yet nobody's decided they want to date me?

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:45

That said, the current number of straight male friends I have outside of work is 0, so..

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 20/07/2024 15:49

Treat the apps as one way of meeting someone and start to get busy in other ways and in particular activities that are male dominated.

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:50

are you interested in anyone at work or in your friendship group?

Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:50

I woukd love something to happen naturally, and for us to be friends first. I hate dating, I hate the idea of people sussing each other out and assessing whether you're 'good enough ' and all the supposed dating rules you have to follow.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:51

how old are you and what’s your circumstances?

Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:52

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:50

are you interested in anyone at work or in your friendship group?

I was interested in 1 but he wasn't apparently due to working with me, I think that was a cop out.
The other two I was attracted to are married sadly.
Another has a girlfriend.
One has seemed interested but he's in his mid 20s at most and I'm 33.
I no longer have any straight male friends sadly, just drifted or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:52

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:51

how old are you and what’s your circumstances?

I'm 33.
What exactly do you mean in terms of my circumstances sorry?

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:53

I'm not averse to dating someone in their 20s, I just worry I'd look like a predator, and he's hardly likely to be wanting something serious.

On the other hand, being single is great and I'm not dying to have someone by any means, but they're hardly queueing up for me.

OP posts:
quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:54

pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:52

I'm 33.
What exactly do you mean in terms of my circumstances sorry?

Show quote history

dependents?

Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:55

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:54

dependents?

Show quote history

No children, never been married etc.

OP posts:
comeundone · 20/07/2024 15:56

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:51

how old are you and what’s your circumstances?

@quickoffthemark I'm getting Cilla Black vibes from your post

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:57

pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:53

I'm not averse to dating someone in their 20s, I just worry I'd look like a predator, and he's hardly likely to be wanting something serious.

On the other hand, being single is great and I'm not dying to have someone by any means, but they're hardly queueing up for me.

so you are on apps or your not?

and if you’re on apps, you not getting matches?

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:57

comeundone · 20/07/2024 15:56

@quickoffthemark I'm getting Cilla Black vibes from your post

Show quote history

🤭

Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 15:58

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 15:57

so you are on apps or your not?

and if you’re on apps, you not getting matches?

Show quote history

Yeah I have got matches, conversations etc.
I just wish it could've happened in a natural way and it's affected my self esteem a little that it hasn't. It's stupid I know.
That said I've only had 1 rejection from work, the rest were just not single so they weren't rejections.
No conversation has been had with the one in his 20s.

OP posts:
Everleigh13 · 20/07/2024 15:59

I think you could reframe how you feel about it. You are doing something proactive to try to meet a partner instead of just moaning about not meeting anybody.

For what it’s worth, I met my husband online over 10 years ago. I think it’s the best thing ever that I was able to meet a wonderful person without being linked by work or friends. I’m so glad I didn’t wait to meet someone ‘in real life’ as I could have been waiting forever!

Original poster
pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 16:00

Everleigh13 · 20/07/2024 15:59

I think you could reframe how you feel about it. You are doing something proactive to try to meet a partner instead of just moaning about not meeting anybody.

For what it’s worth, I met my husband online over 10 years ago. I think it’s the best thing ever that I was able to meet a wonderful person without being linked by work or friends. I’m so glad I didn’t wait to meet someone ‘in real life’ as I could have been waiting forever!

That's a good way of putting it.
It is true that it has its advantages.. you know they're (usually) single on there, you're on there for the same purpose, no awkward work encounters if it doesn't work out etc.

OP posts:
Everleigh13 · 20/07/2024 16:11

pizzzzzzza · 20/07/2024 16:00

That's a good way of putting it.
It is true that it has its advantages.. you know they're (usually) single on there, you're on there for the same purpose, no awkward work encounters if it doesn't work out etc.

Show quote history

Exactly. I think those are definitely positives. My attitude was that I’d rather try everything possible to meet someone than not try and feel regret later.

123sunshine · 20/07/2024 16:14

Met my husband online. I think online dating is a great way to meet people you don’t otherwise have the opportunity to.

quickoffthemark · 20/07/2024 16:19

did you ever meet your matches in person?

Rainisonmyplane · 20/07/2024 16:21

I met my husband online over 10 years ago, on a dating site.

I was pretty heartbroken over my ex and had decided to not get involved in a relationship again for a long time. But I was in a new city, summer was just starting and I thought it would be a great way to meet some new people and go to different places. As I wasn't looking for a relationship I was happy to give online dating a go as I honestly didn't think anyone met that way in real life.

I went on 1 date and I married him! So my long story to get to my point is that it's just a way to meet people you otherwise wouldn't. I actually went to uni in my husband's home town and we ended up living round the corner from each other in London (both before we met) but we'd never have met without the online dating site.

dontdanceonme · 20/07/2024 16:32

I met my now husband, 14 years ago, when we were both 20 on Plenty of Fish. I wasn’t looking for anything serious but I found my one. ❤️ You can too. Nothing wrong with OLD. It can be as serious or as fun as you want it to be. Good luck!

jolene7 · 20/07/2024 16:34

I used to be like this and then I realised the apps just remove an element of bullshit that comes with the "natural way". The reality is, when you meet someone naturally, the intentions are always there from at least one party if we're truly honest with ourselves. The idea that people are not looking, meet by accident, become friends and fall in love is actually just a fantasy ingrained in our psyche by romcoms etc. It is also a recent thing.
As you say you've assessed all of the single men in your workplace which is essentially the same thing as going on a dating app?

Why do you wish it could have happened in a "natural way". What is it about this that makes this affect your self esteem ?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/07/2024 16:37

I think it's worth noting that lots of the people who say things like "it just happened for me" weren't on the apps because the apps are a (fairly) recent thing.

My friendship group didn't meet our husbands on the apps because we met them around 15/20 years ago.

Times have changed, this is how people meet now. It's not a reflection of you as a person, more of the world.

Editing to add that only two of us in the group are happily married. So the "natural" way isn't always the best.

Thefanofdoom · 20/07/2024 16:42

I kind of understand where you are coming from OP. When I was younger, I was never the girl that boys asked out. It was a bit different in uni, I did start getting male attention and then in my early 20s I met DH. But that was mainly when I was on nights out, never anywhere like work etc.

But now I'm single again. Older, fatter and with kids in tow. I'm back to never being flirted with or approached in social settings when other women are. But it is what it is. I was on the apps for a while and have come off them. I'm not in the right head space for a relationship currently.

The apps now are what nights out on the pull were like 20 years ago. You can just do it from the comfort of your sofa now instead of getting all dollied up.

MrsTartanTeacosy · 20/07/2024 16:45

There’s loads of ways of meeting people…join a political party and be an active member, go to your local pub and join the darts team/quiz night same day each week, give a new hobby a go (learn to sail? Mountain biking? Golf?) and go to the social events linked to it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or with the RNLI.

I have had relationships through meeting people in: the library, political activism, dog-walking, them being a friend of a relative.

The only really nasty ex I have had is the one I met through lonely hearts/apps…it’s so very contrived and not for me at all.