Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

I can’t tell whether your family emigrated and left you behind, or whether you moved away from them back to the UK. Either way, you seem to be split emotionally over two continents. I think that’s the issue, that given the choice you’d rather be with them than with him, and the best he can hope for is to tag along every other year in return for a family holiday somewhere else on alternate years.

I think it’s a reasonable expectation on his part that if funds are limited you holiday together as a family. However, as your parents are offering to pay for you I think you should be able to go on this occasion. In the longer term you perhaps need to think where your priorities are.

Exactly! Mumsnet double standards are in full swing in this thread! 😂

Did he mention the child going with out him? His issuse is that she shouldn't be going if it's not going to be a family holiday which they can not afford an it's to see her family not a holiday anyway!!

How often does your family come over here to visit you? Once a year, same as you go to them? I'm guessing not.

If they're going to stick to their original offer to pay for your flight, fine. But your OP reads to me like they've said if you could afford the flight for your DH to accompany you like you suggested to them, then you should cover your own travel now, for just you and your DD to go. Or am I misunderstanding that?

I don't think your DH is being U to have reservations if that is the case. You are going to blow family savings and all your AL on a trip he now appears to be excluded from.

He should identify as the mother then he would get the support 🤣

It is unreasonable to expect to spend all vacation time and money visiting your family. Your husband suggesting going every second year is very accommodating.

your family offering to pay your ticket but rescinding the offer if he comes too is really weird and controlling. Can they not understand that you can afford one flight but not two? If they can’t actually afford your flight they should not be offering.

He probably is. I would be. I'd also wonder if she'd come back or like "doing normal family things" too much on her own, regardless of how much she says he does for her.

Yes he did. He says he doesn't want to miss out on her "firsts", which includes her first time on a plane. I'm sure there will be a lot of other firsts he'll miss out on if she is on the other side of the world for the first time. He's a new dad with a young baby. He wants to be with her.

I would not want to be away from my young child for more than a week

i would not want an international border between me and my very young child. I would definitely not want a long flight that likely means no private car option for travel between me and my child. COVID taught us that borders can close in an instant.

I would not allow my child to fly as a lap child and potentially become a projectile or be crushed during severe turbulence. The flight would only happen with a purchased seat.

I’ve got further thoughts about the ridiculousness of your families expectations, but the first 3 are completely dealbreakers for me. My child would not be making the trip under these parameters.

My spouse would obviously be free to go without our child.

Op I can't work out is it a sibling or your parents who you want to visit?

I'd take the opportunity to go while your on Mat Leave when else will you get time go and before it becomes £££ to take your LO.

Once you are back to standard annual leave and then school holidays in a few short years, doing a big trip just becomes a nightmare

I agree.
So now are they still saying yiu can pay for yourself , as you was going to pay for dh.
I wouldn't want to go without dh anyway- he's my family
So I'd tell them that.
Both of you or not at all and you can't afford it.

I think what the OP is saying is that her parents will find the money for the flights if the alternative is her not going. However if the idea is that DH could come too then the cost of the OP’s flight isn’t the issue.

Either ops very young or her parents have been raising children for many decades if the reason they cannot visit is children in school… tho every country gets summer holidays.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination)

I know you said they like DH, but in his position that's what would change it for me, because finances aside it really does make it sound as if it's just you they want to see

You've still not said how often you like to go, but there's also the point that you're using up leave which could be spent with your own immediate family, and as the kids grow that may become even more of an issue

Obviously he doesn't get to stop you going, but it begins to sound as if a compromise on every other year might be wise

Exactly

Came here exactly to say this. Why would they not help by paying for your flight so you and your DH only have to pay for one? They sound like they are being actively unwelcoming to him.

Definitely this.

The OP needs to commit to her new family, and do more zoom calls with family at home.

Ignore the incel trollz OP. YANBU. You should go. He doesn't own your ass.

True

I wouldn’t be going to see my in-laws every year as my holiday, especially if it’d use all our savings.

You going by yourself uses all your savings; so no holiday for DH on his own, let alone all of you - and he presumably wants to holiday with you and your DD too.

It’s unreasonable to spend every holiday and all savings seeing your family. It’s unfortunate for you, but that’s the situation when you emigrate from your family; which is what you or your family chose to do.

I’ve realised I’ve assumed parents, but the OP hadn’t actually said that. It would be helpful to know what the actual relationships are.

Everyone who disagrees is an incel?

I am absolutely on the side of those who say the responses would be very very different if it was a father taking a child away for two weeks and leaving the mother behind.

Especially as the OP says herself He just hates being away from us. Which I understand, as if the shoe was on the other foot and his parents offered to take him and DD away on holiday I’d be climbing the walls too.

So she's being a hypocrite to boot. And she doesn't really understand him if she's still determined to go just because she wants to (or she understands but doesn't care.)

I've been in this exact situation, and I say you should go. Life can be unpredictable, and enjoying your dd with your family is time that you won't be able repeat later. Surely dh can handle missing 10days out of dds life?

People are assuming it's her parents who moved abroad, but it sounds more like a sibling to me. Or both.