To dread MILs visitsbecause of how she is with my baby

[Smurf1993]

My baby is 6 weeks old and it has come to the point I dread MIL visiting. I never had a problem with her before baby but ever since being pregnant she rubs me up the wrong way.

Whilst pregnant she constantly went on about babysitting and taking the baby which I found really upsetting that she wanted to take my baby when she wasn't even born yet. She told me I would struggle to cope so she would come round all the time to help. I told her she was absolutely not coming round all the time and she dropped it briefly but then starting harping on about when was I going back to work so she could have baby before I even started my maternity leave.

Since baby has been born every single time she visits she offers to baby sit so I can go out at least three times, even though I say no every time. I've told her I'm not being separated from my baby until she's older, newborns belong with their mothers, yet 2 minutes later she's saying yes but when you do want to go out for a few hours I'll have her. But I don't want to go out, but when you do I'll have her and on and on. She JUST. WONT. STOP. pushing to get baby off me. She keeps offering to "help" me but all the offers of help are "I'll take baby and you can go out". I just feel like she's desperate to get rid of me and take my baby and it makes me so angry that she won't stop pushing even though I repeatedly say no. Husband also says no to her repeatedly and has told her to stop asking, but she carries on anyway. I feel so uncomfortable saying no repeatedly and I actually feel threatened that someone is so intent on taking my baby away from me.

When husband went back to work after paternity leave I was nervous about being left alone with baby, all other family members gave me encouragement told me I'm doing a great job and I'll be fine and tried to build up my confidence whereas MIL insisted she would come and have baby off me because I would need help. Everyone except her tells me I'm a great mum, doing a great job etc. but MIL is just constantly saying I'm going to struggle and will need help and she's exactly the person to come and look after baby because she's retiring soon. She also makes little comments that feel mean about baby looking exactly like husband and not like me, baby has blue eyes and dark hair like me but she insists this will change to blonde hair and green eyes like husband because there's still time. When she is holding baby and baby is hungry I tell her she needs feeding and put my arms out for her she says "oh you're hungry I'd best give you back to daddy then!" And completely ignores me! Daddy can't feed her he doesn't have breasts! She hasn't given me a single compliment on my mothering since baby has been born and it feels like she's trying to ruin my confidence so I feel like I need help all the time so she can swoop in which just feels like a nasty way to treat a new mum.

I hate it! I just want to scream at her that I'm a good mum, I'm doing really well and don't need her and she's not taking my 6 week old baby away from me because she's a bloody newborn baby that belongs with her mother!

Stop letting her in, how often do you see her?

You and your DH are going to have to be blunt. In order to maximise her time and obsession with your baby, she is undermining your role. Her behaviour is the very opposite of supporting a new mum. I agree with the above poster, stop letting her in. DH asks for the key back, you lock the door from the inside.

You need to let her know how much her insisting on you going out and her taking the baby is irritating you. Have a note pad and pen ready, and make a big deal of the number of times she suggests it - say you and DH have a side bet.

'Thank you for your offer of help, but we are going to stick to set times now. No one turns up or pops in.

She comes fortnightly, she tries to come weekly but husband says no

Fornightlys not too bad. You could maybe alternate going to her and just go for an hour or so.

You need to be firm or better yet your husband does. "Mum baby is too young and Smurf is on leave to spend time with her. We will ask if we want you to babysit when dc is older"
Next time she raises it "mum did you forget we discussed this do you need me to explain again?"

Have you thought about returning to work? Will she feature in your childcare? She sounds like the sort of person who will do her own thing and not respect boundaries.

Or meet out of the house. When she wants to see baby suggest meeting for coffee or getting baby some fresh air and meeting in the park for a walk with pram. You can keep visits more short and sweet that way - after an hour “me and baby off home for a nap / feed.” She sounds really overbearing, & you’re completely in the right to tell her to back off, but keeping her politely at a slight distance might help down then line when you do need a hand

Don't give her the baby when she's visiting.
Or ban her completely until your DH has a very firm chat with her about her behaviour and she agrees a cuddle is just that - a short period of time with the baby - he might have to really spell it out

Rather than just saying no, you need to tell her that enough is enough. You are not going to be giving over your breast fed baby to anyone. Your baby needs you and you are doing just fine. Her constant attempts to push you out are making you uncomfortable and it is ruining her visits. When hands baby back to dad for a feed, sit back, giggle and say to your DH “good luck”!
I would also be reluctant to use her for childcare if you are going back to work. She will do the complete opposite of whatever you say.

I’m completely with you on this OP. She’s been told to stop and she won’t. I think you and your husband are going to have to be a united front and both tell her bluntly that she needs to stop because a) her constant asking/nagging isn’t working and b) the visits will stop which will be a shame for everyone.

If you were considering having her do childcare for you while you work I would reconsider that. Not to be petty but because she isn’t respecting your boundaries now and you need someone to take care of your child who is going to respect you as their mother.

When she says you will struggle and need help. You could reply with, oh yes thanks MIL could you please, run the hoover over, fold the washing, do the ironing, dust the house insert other house hold chore that really needs doing. Helping a new mum isn't about running off with the baby it's about being useful and doing actual helpful things.
My aunt, who isn't very into babies was fantastically helpful by coming round and doing jobs like this for me. She'd even taken days off work to do so. All MIL wanted to do was run off with the baby like yours, we said no.

Is this her first grandchild by any chance? I think you’re absolutely right that a 6 week old belongs with you but, playing devil’s advocate, if it’s a first grandchild/first baby of her precious son she will be immensely excited and desperate to help as it’s her first chance to relive her baby days with your DH (hence the comments about who baby looks like - if it helps my first was the spit of his Daddy, my second is more me).

One thing I did with both my mum and my MIL was to invite them over for cuddles and then give them a fed and happy baby whilst I went for a lie down. This graduated to them taking baby out for walks in the pram whilst I got jobs done at home/had a nap etc. Your DH will be there to monitor things, MIL will feel useful and get some bonding time and you will get time to have a bath or have a nap. Hopefully win/win for everyone. Also maybe ask her to pick up more vests/socks etc if she sees any out shopping - give her something to do and hopefully she will chill out about wanting to babysit right now (but trust me this offer will be a god send when they are older).

You are a great mum doing a great job but at 6 weeks you’re still in the trenches, so be kind to yourself, get plenty of rest and I promise it will all get much easier x

I was thinking of helpful phrases that she might actually get, like asking her how she felt about being separated from her newborn. Then I got to the part where she tries to hand your baby to DH rather than you to be fed😡

Just say as she knows so little about babies that she thinks men breast feed, she will never be looking after your baby. Ever!

This is our first child but her second grandchild. The other grandchild lives hours away so I think she thought hurrah this ones on the doorstep so I can babysit all the time. I just don't want her around my baby as she's so pushy and clearly doesn't care about what's best for baby just wants to please herself so I don't even want to give baby to her while I have a bath, I want her to know she can't just walk into my house, take baby, hold her for hours without giving her back then leave. She keeps telling me that she will come over all the time and that I can go out and I'm sick of it, she can't dictate to me when she will be in my house and then try to kick me out of my own house, she's so rude and selfish I've had it with her!!

It's once every two weeks. I'd smile and just just keep saying no

Um I think you and your husband need to get tough and blunt with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't stop this constant hassling of you and exhortations about you going out and leaving the baby with her then she will not be welcome to come round at all.

This is your child and you and your husband will do it your way not hers. You will ask for help and advice if you need it (I know you won't ask her after the way she has carried on!) which you know she will be delighted to provide if and when necessary and that is the end of the discussion MIL.

Whatever you don’t involve her in your childcare plans if you’re going back to work. You sound lovely. Pretend to be going out next she calls, try alternating with visits to her house do you can leave when you’re ready.

I think you are playing it all wrong. When she offers just say ... Thank you MIL. I appreciate your support. I'll let you know when I'm ready for an outing.

When she comes over and offers help... Thank you MIL. The dish washer could do with emptying.

Thank you, could you put a load on the baby does get throw loads of clothes.

Could you just xyz while I change the baby.

Similar to above.

Perhaps your DH could say to her ‘Oh, yes, we would love you to help. Can you come over on Tuesday ? Then OP can take DD out for a couple of hours and it would be wonderful if you would vacuum, dust, bring a lunch for you and OP when they get home and prepare a family dinner for when I get home. That would be the best help for us. Nobody wants their new baby taken away from them, they just need one to one time together without worries about chores. Practical help is the BEST and we would be so appreciative. Maybe every other Tuesday would be fantastic and the three of you could chill in the afternoon until I get home and we all enjoy a family meal ?’

Make or break ?

My MIL also didn't understand breastfeeding and repeatedly asked why I wasn't "putting that baby down". Meh. It's very aggravating, you just carry on as you are, you're doing great 🙂 Your DH is the one who needs to remind his mother that you don't want to be away from your baby, so she needs to change the conversation.

My MIL is like this. Her favourite thing to do was walk out of the room with the baby. I've no advice except try your best not to make it come across like you are beginning to dislike your MIL and I found once my other half thought this it was a lost cause. You need to not let this come between you both and keep a united front.

It’s once a fortnight🤷‍♀️

Next time she asks just say

"MIL, I've told you no thank you. But you keep asking. I'm asking you now do not ask again. I will ask if I want to."

She sounds bloody annoying but you also sound quite belligerent. Your baby is 6 weeks old and she visits every 2 weeks - that's only : visits - that should be bearable - just keep saying no and try to chill - she's being over excited and a bit of a dick.

This! And in a few months when you are ready to go out you will really appreciate her being around.

You need to be assertive now or she will rule your roost. Tell her baby is too young to be left with anyone other than her father. You will let her know when the time is right for you abd baby. Ignore her comments she is trying to undermine you. Don't say anything
to anyone apart forrom hubby. Just smile at her and say I am doing fine thanks if I need you I will let you know