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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reconnecting with lost friend

21 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 20/07/2024 00:17

I lost a dear friend about 3 years ago to a weird argument type situation. Both of us were in a dark place, both unwell and it sort of spiralled out of control. I've been through the hurt and anger and have reached out through a mutual friend who thinks we may be able to mend it. Anyone else been through similar? Did you manage to reconnect?

OP posts:
Malahide · 20/07/2024 00:21

I have been through this, with a very similar timescale and circumstances. I had been too scared to reach out, in the end it was quite a surprise when she simply sent me a text asking if I wanted to go for a catch up coffee. Having mutual friends definitely helped.

To be honest though our relationship has never been the same since. We never addressed the cause of the ‘friendship breakup’ which was a big mistake in my opinion, just tried to gloss over it and pretend it never happened. We used to be incredibly close and after the separation it felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other, quite tense at times. We have since mutually parted ways again

From experience she likely feels the same way about the situation as you do.

HowIrresponsible · 20/07/2024 00:23

I lost a close friend in covid lockdown which was a weird time.

I have no desire to mend it after the way she behaved.

Just be prepared for silence if you do contact her.

You4coffee · 20/07/2024 00:26

I've had this. Fell out over a number of things - had been really close but then didn't speak for 4 years. I randomly saw her in a restaurant miles away from where i thought she lived. Facebooked her suggested meeting up and we've not looked back - it's been nearly 20 years since we reconnected. We've never really talked about the original fallout in detail until quite recently. Maybe it's looking at with adult eyes but it was all rather silly and I'd wished I'd got in touch with her sooner.

crochetmonkey74 · 20/07/2024 00:34

I think we were both a bit heartbroken by the fall out. I've been missing her and a recent event with a friend has led me to think life is too short

OP posts:
Babbahabba · 20/07/2024 08:25

Send her a message- life is too short. If she rejects you, at least you tried and you can move on.

Wimbledoner · 20/07/2024 08:29

How did you reach out via the mutual friend?

Catza · 20/07/2024 08:31

I lost contact with a friend for about 5 years. We had a bit of a spat, then I moved abroad and she tried to reach out through my grandmother but my granny didn't take her number, assuming I had it. We eventually reconnected through Facebook. I travelled to see her, we sat down in her kitchen, opened a bottle of wine and conversation just flowed as if the last 5 years didn't happen. She is and will always be my closest friend even though we rarely meet nowadays.

NeverEnoughPants · 20/07/2024 08:36

I have. Once was years and years ago, and we are closer than ever now. We randomly bumped into each other (we were living in different places, just happened to be in the same town at the same time), and it was very quick and easy to get back to the friendship we always had.

Once was more recently (different friend) the fall out was due to us both going through some heavy emotional stuff at the same time, and neither having the ability to be a good friend to the other. There's no ill will on either side now as far as I know, but we rarely talk or see each other. When we do see each other, it's lovely. But we won't ever get back to what we had, I don't think.

It's definitely worth trying to see if you can figure things out. You've got nothing to lose, and the potential gain is a lifetime of friendship. Good luck.

crochetmonkey74 · 20/07/2024 08:44

Wimbledoner · 20/07/2024 08:29

How did you reach out via the mutual friend?

We were at a mutual event and I said to her that I felt regret and sorrow about it and did she think my ex friend was receptive. She said the ex friend felt the same and she thought she would be receptive. The mutual friend is going to see her and pave the way a bit

OP posts:
Brusselsproutssandmussels30 · 20/07/2024 09:30

Sorry to hi-jack this thread.

I didn’t fall out with my friend, I didn’t put enough effort in to keeping in touch and I have been wishing that I could get in touch with her for thirty years.

We used to work in slightly different departments in the same “creative” company in London and then we used to live together in a shared house not far from Hammersmith.

She had grown up in a Commonwealth country. And here’s a clue: she briefly attended the same school as the boxer Lennox Lewis.

She kindly came to my wedding and then I moved to a European country and we lost touch.

It was my fault because I neglected to stay in touch after I moved as it was all a bit overwhelming and I deeply, deeply regret this.

But pretty soon after that, I heard the news that she was pregnant and had moved to Ireland.

Anyway, I managed to trace her last address in London, and got in touch with the estate agents who were responsible for leasing the flat she had last been living in, and they said they couldn’t give out her address but if I sent a letter they would forward it to her. So I immediately wrote a five-page letter and sent it off straightaway but never heard back from either the estate agent or from my friend.

So she may now be living in Ireland and has a son who is approximately thirty years old. Or she may be back in the UK or in her Commonwealth country, or somewhere else completely.

My friend was such a lovely person and I deeply regret not remaining in contact. She was calm and thoughtful, funny, athletic, and had great independence and strength about her. But looking back, from a perspective of thirty years, she must also have felt quite alone in London.

Just to add a last clue in case she is reading: her wedding present was really unusual. She knew that my husband and I loved cooking, and she had gone to great lengths to gather together lots of really good quality kitchen implements like whisks and ladles, and she even had a friend of hers whittle us a pair of wooden salad servers with our initials on them. And bar one item, we are still using all of those implements today!

I just can’t find my friend. I’ve asked mutual friends over the years but no one knows what happened to her. She has quite an unusual name and I have searched all over social media. And in people finding apps and on-line telephone directories in three different countries.

If you are out there and know who you are DZ, please can you forgive me, and please can you get in touch?

Op I hope you can re-connect with your friend too. You are lucky to have a mutual

friend who will mediate a bit. Three years is nothing in the scheme of things! I hope it works out for you both.

romdowa · 20/07/2024 09:36

I had a similar situation and we reconnected last year after 10 years , it fizzled out though as our lives and outlooks were just too different. I'm glad we made up but I'm also glad it didn't last

BustingBaoBun · 20/07/2024 09:51

I have had this and I'm afraid the result wasn't successful.

This person I have known all my life decades and decades, but I said one thing about eight years ago (it was so minor, four words that was all, and totally warranted!) she took offence at it, we met up twice to iron it all out, but those two meetings totalling about three hours was just her laying into me about everything over decades, she absolutely annihilated me, twisting everything, it was so unpleasant and nasty and I took every single criticism, stupid me

We have a mutual friend and so we get together with our husbands about twice a year and I don't enjoy it because I am very wary of her and her husband who looks daggers at me most of the evening! But I do it for my other friend. We have no communication apart from a happy Christmas text etc and that's fine and I would like to drop meeting her totally.

Very sad after a 55 year friendship but her resentment and dislike of me must have built up over decades for her to be so unpleasant when I was trying to mend things. I do not need people like that in my life.

Wimbledoner · 20/07/2024 09:52

If you do meet up I wonder if it’s better to talk through your disagreement or not to mention it and see if you still have the same connection.

ShaunaSadeki · 20/07/2024 09:57

My DM loved her best friend as did we and they fell out (my DM being petty and silly from what I can gather). My DM missed her but was too stubborn when her BF tried to mend things. Her BF passed away a few years ago and I can say hand on heart that her not making friends and knowing it was her fault is one of the biggest heartbreaks of her long (and many times divorced life). I am not saying that this is your fault, but get in touch and see what happens, life really is too short.

Mary46 · 20/07/2024 09:57

Yes met for coffee not really the same. I met her at lidl after and she walked on by! I feel when friendship gone its gone.

crochetmonkey74 · 20/07/2024 10:33

Wimbledoner · 20/07/2024 09:52

If you do meet up I wonder if it’s better to talk through your disagreement or not to mention it and see if you still have the same connection.

I think we will talk about it and I'm really hoping, park it and move on.

OP posts:
Wimbledoner · 20/07/2024 10:45

I think we will talk about it and I'm really hoping, park it and move on.

Be prepared things could get heated quickly as you’ve both had a few years to dwell on it.

Perhaps get a few phrases ready in your head such as you are sorry the argument happened and that you are pleased to see her now.

overwork · 20/07/2024 11:01

I've had this! The fall out was so ridiculous I'm not sure I could fully explain it now. About 18 months later, I was watching something on telly that I would have text her about if we were still buddy's, so I did. She responded in seconds and we just completely fell back into our old friendship. I see her really regularly now and she's one of my closest friends. Also, turns out she'd contacted me about 6 months before, she could show me the text she'd sent on her phone but I'd not received it, so we could have put it all behind us even sooner.
Go for it. Life is too short. And if she doesn't respond, you will have tried.

Bowtiiy · 20/07/2024 11:08

I've been through similar with the falling out, about six years ago now. It's a long and complicated story but it was mostly my fault.

I often want to text her and would have if I still had her number so I'd say do it, reconnect. Life is so short, you never know what's around the corner.

minionsunite · 20/07/2024 13:24

I had a fall out with my closest friend - I was devastated and it will always be a gap in my life I think. I would be receptive but it would have to involve chatting over what happened. We tried seeing each other casually at group events but it just felt awkward without getting to the heart of it. If a chat about what happened turns toxic and tense then in a way you quickly know there’s no going back.

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2024 13:29

Yes I fell out with my best friend since university and we were edtranged for about ten years and I texted her out of the blue and said I missed her.

We live in different cities but we reconnected right away and have been so close ever since (about 7 years now). We are back to ourselves and treasure the reconnection. We text every day and visit.

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