Would you prioritise adult child or marriage?

[neverendinggrief]

My husband and adult son cannot live together anymore and one of them has to go.
We argue about him 24/7 and my husband is constantly moaning to me about him and our lack of privacy and I can't take it anymore.
He's not his dad but we have other children together and I just don't know what to do.
He was a good step dad since he was 3 but now he's an adult he finds fault with everything, sometimes valid and sometimes not, he glares at me if my son sits in the lounge with us and he moans if he leaves any mess, he moans if he stays in and shouts at me when he is annoyed with him, I think he has so much frustration for him that he can't do anything right anymore and the animosity in the house is horrendous, I speak to son about the little things that annoy dh but he doesn't take any notice, I think they feel the same about each other.
Son is no saint and frustrates me when I have to tell him the same things over and over because he doesn't listen or follow instructions.
Do I ask my son to leave and save my marriage or does my husband go and break up the family?
I have no more tears to cry and have tried everything to keep the peace but nothing works.
Ds is only 23 but husband insists we can't carry on like this and wants him to go.
Either way my heart is braking every day and this situation just gets worse and worse.
I love them both but it's not working.

I'd have an honest conversation with both about how shit they are making your life. I'd be tempted to tell them both to piss off from your description.

I have a 23 year old at home. He is my DH's son though. What would I do if they weren't getting on? I would try to find some sort of middle ground here. Would it be possible to move to a place with a separate annex or small flat out the back of the property? Are there other ways to create space for privacy? Close your bedroom door and have a rule he can't disturb you (I don't just mean for sex but anytime you want alone time). Is your son in a position to move in? I say I'd choose my son but he is disabled so it's not so easy for him to support himself yet, even though he's working towards it. I also understand that has flow on effects for your other children, so it's not so easy.

I think I'd try to find ways to make it work somehow, unless your son is ready and able to move out anyway. There might have to be some give and take on both sides.

I assume you have spoken to them both, since you say they both feel the same about each other. Can you help your son to find somewhere to live? Are you in a position to help him with rent while he gets himself sorted out? I can see that the situation is far from ideal, but if your DH leaves, then your other DC will blame your son for their father going - and do you want your DH to leave? At 23, your son is old enough to move out - surely he can’t enjoy what must be a bit of an atmosphere at home. I can quite see that you feel in an invidious position - but if you do nothing, I suspect your DH will leave and the decision will be made for you.

How old are your other kids? It seems harsh that DH seems to just resent his existence in the house. Lack of privacy is surely the case with all of the children, why is he picking on your son specifically? Was his expectation that he'd have left home by now? Is that why he's getting antsy? If it were me, I wouldn't be choosing between either of them. You need to have a proper discussion on why he has such an issue with him now, given that he's been such a great step dad since DS was young.

a loving husband would never make his wife chose. He would move heaven and earth to find a common ground, and if he really could not, he would remove himself from the situation, before putting his wife in this position. 23 is still young esp now with the cost of living crisis. I would sit them both down together and have heart to heart about what they are doing to you with their constant distain for each other. Good luck @neverendinggrief

I was the adult child in this scenario OP. I moved home from uni and my stepdad simply couldn’t stand me - there was actually nothing I had “done” but it truly was untenable. I planned myself to move out as soon as I had a proper job but my Mum left him in any case. I cautioned her against this as they also had a shared child and I didn’t see the merit in solving one problem and causing another.

The situation had in fact been building years on reflection- you say he has been a good stepdad, has he? Or just more tolerant than now?

Are you really happy with him? Do you respect him? Your son might not be a saint but does he really deserve to be unwelcome in the living room - is this a man you can respect and love? Only you can answer these questions.

No one can tell you what to do but my Mum’s reasoning for leaving him was she couldn’t envisage a future with all of us as it was anyway. She knew realistically even if I moved out and their marriage improved/survived, at what cost? The animosity would never actually be resolved and I would inevitably see her less, we would always have awkward christmases, would he ever want to bond again with me/any future grandchildren I bore? All of this sealed it for her.

You could try a last ditch attempt at talking to them both, together, and saying how unhappy you are and how you’d like to see them BOTH make allowances.

x

I would take my son's side

@neverendinggrief

Your son has been in your husband's life since he was three years old. You do whatever you would do, hand on heart, if this was the child you biologically share with your husband.

This.

How is he with the other children? How old are they? How do they feel about him? Do you see him being the same with them when they're adults?

So often women try to do what's best for everyone else, and what is best for them goes by the wayside. You are at the centre of this, you don't exist to minimise pain and inconvenience to everyone else. Who would you rather live with? A husband who has forced this choice on you or an adult son who might be moving on soon anyway?

Has your got plans to move out eventually? Is he working or studying? Does he contribute to the house financially?

Is your husband lovely about everything else? Does he do his fair share of everything?

DH sounds really unpleasant. However I think that by 23 kids need to move out & then they can come & go as they please & leave a mess, invite friends over etc.

Could you afford to help DS with deposit for rent or mortgage?

Where is DS bio Dad?

I don't know if I could however stay with a partner who was outwardly unpleasant to my child.

I think more information is needed.

In posts like this it's easy to jump on the "protect your child".

It's the default position.

However it sounds like other children are involved here.

The crux of the issue is the behaviour of your son and DH.

As an adult does your son contribute to the household? I don't necessarily mean financially (though if working he should to an appropriate degree) but help with housework, treat the house and others within it appropriately?

You mention privacy a lot. Does your son have any sense of respecting boundaries?

You say you have spoken to your son about your DH's concerns and he ignores them?

Are those concerns reasonable?

As house prices rise having adult children in the home is more common and it can be tricky to navigate.

Have you and DH ever talked about "ground rules"? Have those been communicated to your son?

It's way to blame your DH but frankly I think you all need to acknowledge that this is a new era and talk about boundaries and what's reasonable.

Step parents get a shit time often on MN and sometimes it may be deserved, but there are many other times where the parent and child has unreasonable expectations that in a fully bio family just wouldn't be tolerated.

It's really not clear what the situation is here.