To ask when you felt ready for baby number two (or decided you were one and done)

[Mushroo]

We have an amazing 6 month old DD and I always assumed we’d have two. I love the idea of two, and it just feels ‘right’.I also always said that we’d have two close together.

However, I had a tough pregnancy (gestational diabetes, c section birth) and I’m finding parenting hard!

the first 4 months were dreamy, and if you’d asked me then I was 100% set on having 2. (DD slept loads, rarely cried, was just a lovely contented little baby)

However, DD has decided to stop sleeping and also been diagnosed with multiple food allergies and eczema flaring which I’m finding really hard to deal with. The anxiety of checking every food and the limits on our life (we were real foodies and eating out was a HUGE part of our lives - as well as lots of holidays. So coming to terms with the fact our future has been flipped on it’s head). She also now just seems generally unhappy and it’s breaking my heart. (This could be because she’s sensing I’m now anxious and sad, and general frustration at not being able to crawl yet).

Given the above, I’m now leaning to having one, but it feels like I’m giving up on what I’ve always wanted. BUT my mental health is low right now dealing with her health issues.

Will I feel differently in a few months / years? I basically want 2 children, but the thought of doing pregnancy again and the sleepless nights fills me with dread right now (and I’ve learnt I really don’t deal well with any health problems).

How did you decide on number of children?

I just knew I wanted more than one and that I was relatively old so I couldn't afford to wait so tbh there wasn't really a decision. I know friends who considered it much more. Deciding on 3rd was much harder and we didn't do it though I would have if DP had been keener - sometimes wish we had though also can see the benefits that we didn't - similar age/stages work well for us, nursery expenses all done etc. I love the close age gap and think it would be way harder to go back to pregnancy, baby stuff etc if I had actually had a longer break (was basically either pregnant or BF for about 4 years) but you might want longer to feel recovered from your harder pregnancy etc (I was lucky it was all pretty straightforward for me).

Took us 4 1/2 years to go again, plus a terminal diagnoses for my FIL that helped put the decision into perspective (due to my DH realising how much he relied on his brother despite a not close relationship).

Am I looking forward to the baby/early toddler stage again? Not really. But our now 5 year old has shown how fleeting those stages actually are.

Currently expecting #2 and riddled with doubt tbh. DD is 18mths now, I knew I always wanted two but never expected it to happen so fast and am now stressing about DD having to share me and the impact another mat leave will have on my career. I think there’s probably an element of protecting myself as I suffered a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, so hoping once I’ve had the 12wk scan I’ll stop worrying I’m ruining our lives by having #2.

My DS is 2 1/2 and I’m just starting to feel ready, we’ve decided to start trying in 6 months time after a ski trip we have booked. I would have waited even longer if I wasn’t worried about my age and fertility. I never wanted children too close together though as I’ve nannied for families with a really close age gap and found they’ve been so stressed out when the kids are young!

Your set up sounds identical to mine OP, unicorn newborn then lots of health issues from 5 months including allergies and ezcema and fuck all sleep ever since. They're now over 3 and we're sticking with one.

I think I could actually have managed a newborn when the eldest was 3, but you don't know that at the time and babies take a while to conceive and grow! And now the idea of going back to teething and nappies is just awful. I think what I'm saying is if you do want 2 kids then I'd probably embrace the chaos, hard as it will be - though you have plenty of time to make a decision.

Allergy parenting definitely gets easier over time I promise.

C section you have to wait 2 years anyway for the scar to heal so it might be best to put it to the back of your mind until then and see how you feel then.

DS was a c section, he just turned 3 and our second is due shortly. It felt like a good gap, he understands, he's potty trained and sleeping through and settled in nursery.

Please take your time and calm down OP. If your baby is only 6 months old it’s rather soon to be deciding whether or not you want another.
Give yourself a bit of time and space, try to enjoy your DD even with the challenges. Reconsider the situation in several months time.

We didn't feel ready to have another until DC1 was about 22mo. so there's a 2.5y age gap which seems nice.

We decided to try for number 2 when she was a year. She was a dream baby and it took a long time to conceive her so we thought we better get cracking.
I got pregnant quickly so had two under two and he wasn't easy. I waited until he was five to have my third.

I always wanted at least 2 it didn't feel ready to try for number 2 until DDs 2nd birthday, then delayed trying a couple of months because of moving house, then had a miscarriage so actually ended up with a 3.5 year age gap which is actually quite nice.
I think you just know when it's the right time the same as you do with the first.
Neither of us felt like we wanted a 3rd, well I did briefly when youngest was about 15m but DH wasn't keen, I then changed my mind anyway.
It depends on your age I guess, I had both under 35 so didn't feel like the clock was ticking.

We have one DS, also with multiple food allergies and eczema and few bowel related issues. He’s lovely but since he was diagnosed I too felt so stressed about it, and decided early on I didn’t want another. I think it made me realise how much people take it for granted that a baby will be healthy and it’s so stressful when they are not. Also, age was against me and now I feel it’s too late. I do wish things had been different though but my mental health has never been in a place to consider another one unfortunately, so one and done is best for us.

When first one started school

Thanks all - I think you’re right to not rush in to any decisions.

@QuiltedHippo and @Feeling83 thank you for your replies, if so good to hear from other allergy parents who are a bit further along. I think the diagnosis has sent me spiralling a bit and it’s just not how I pictured our lives - glad to hear it at least gets a bit less overwhelming as you get used to everything.

I think everyone is right and I need to stop second guessing, do I want to TTC another baby today? Absolutely no, so I guess I just revisit that question from time to time.

I was seriously considering being one and done after having my first as I found the first two years really hard although it gradually got easier. It wasn't until she was 2.5 that I felt I would be ok to have a second as it was now easier (not easy, but manageable) and I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel. There's 3.5 years between my two and it's been a great age gap.

We were one and done until 12 months. Have a 23 month gap. It’s HARD (youngest is 13mo) but it’s lovely.

I felt ready after about 3 years. We had a difficult start (colic) with my first baby and I was quite anxious.

Due ti financial reasons and miscarriages my 2nd was born after 5.5 years

When DD1 was 17 months old we were totally sure; she was sleeping, she was much more manageable than he had been, we knew it was time to start thinking about it. It had taken almost a year to conceive her so we got cracking, expecting to hopefully give her a sibling when she was about three.

Best laid plans and all that. I got pregnant immediately, then DD1 hit 18 months and turned into satan's accomplice.

It all turned out okay, there's 26 months between them, they're very close and it's lovely now they're 10 and nearly 8. But we had a rough couple of years there, not going to lie.

My advice is to just go for it. It'll work out.

My DD is nearly 5 and I'm still not ready to have another.
Life is so easy with just our DD, and my mental health is so good right now.

I do feel a bit guilty about her not having a little sister or brother though, sometimes.

We wanted 2 close together and decided to try when ds was 1. DD is 1 yr 9 months younger than her brother as she was conceived on the evening of his 1st birthday.

I felt Id probably’ only want one before getting pregnant (though knew i could change my mind on it lol), was never that enamoured with the idea of kids but knew I wanted one in future in a weird primal/genetic legacy kind of way. Once I decided to try it was all i could think about and all i wanted. I didn’t have an easy pregnancy and then had a difficult birth. Haven’t felt the pull to get pregnant or have another since trying for our first baby. DH feels the same though would probably go along with what I wanted if i changed my mind. I ask him periodically to see what his thoughts are and it’s still a ‘one’s enough’. I sometimes get broody if i see a cute baby as i miss DD being a baby (sometimes lol). But I was happy to hand back both my cousins babies after a hold, as cute as they were and felt a bit relieved to be out of those stages 😮‍💨 So yeah…im still good with one. I’m late 30s but may change at the 11th hour…I know a few who did 😆

I spent the first year of DS's life adamantly one and done.

By 18 months, we'd agreed to have a second but with a minimum 3 year gap. I very much was seeing the infant year as a kind of torture to endure to have an older child I wanted.

We tried for one month, didn't get pregnant. I was unexpectedly relieved at the negative test. I realised I didn't know if I could bear that first year again. We spent a few months hashing out my feelings about it, and discussed financials, potential disabilities, logistics for activities etc as well. Decided that actually it wasn't worth upsetting our happy status quo so we'd stick to one and done.

There's a chance we'll change our mind again, but I really don't think so. Once the age gap would be too big and we're definitely not having a second (for us, that's 5 years), we'll look at a vasectomy.