to feel a bit sad that I don't get on with my Dad's wife?

[stressedout1994]

Hi all,

Long one!

My Dad has been with his partner (now wife no.3) since I was about 12, and I'm now nearly 30. They met when he was married to his second wife, and he and wife no.3 have been married for a couple of years.

I have always made an effort with her - even as a terrible teen - but she just comes across as rude and unfriendly. He says that her family 'don't do small talk' but her siblings all seem really gregarious to me. It's just her and her adult children who don't really talk. I ask her lots of questions and am chatty with her but she just doesn't seem interested.

A couple of years ago DP and I went to their house on the coast and had a bust-up because we thought they weren't keeping their cat humanely. Cat has subsequently been to the vets and had to be put down as she had liver failure and arthritis etc. The whole thing was really weird and upsetting. We confronted them and she basically sulked and was stroppy all weekend, before sloping off to her daughter's. We didn't speak for nearly a year. We all went to see a band last summer and got on famously, so I thought that we were back on an even keel. However we went to see them recently and she went back to how she is 'normally' - wouldn't really talk, very reluctant to deviate from usual routine, the minute she finished eating she would stand up and start washing up, made no effort conversationally etc.

I feel like I'm being a bit of a baby - I'm nearly 30, I have my own life etc - but it makes me feel a bit sad that I don't have a warm relationship with my Dad's wife.

I feel like they spend heaps of time zipping all over the country to see her DC, and that I don't see him as much as I'd like.

Inevitably, there is a money element as well. He divides his week between a house he bought with her middle son, and the house on the coast (which they are selling soon) where she lives full time and he lives at the weekend. Her daughter lived with them by the coast rent-free for 2+ years. I feel like he works like a maniac to fund a lifestyle that really works for her and her family, and I worry that he is over-working (though ultimately it is his / their choice and maybe I should mind my own business...)

YABU - you're an adult, stop whining about your dad's wife
YANBU - you're an adult, it is normal to want a better relationship with your dad's wife

I would accept her as she is and not expect her to change. Be polite and friendly but stop making an effort. It's up to your dad if he wants to fund things for his family.

I haven't voted as I think the options are too simple for your situation. You aren't unreasonable to feel sad about the lack of close relationship with your stepmother, but I think you need to accept that she doesn't want this. Coming to terms with the fact you will only have a polite, civil, superficial relationship and behaving accordingly will save you a lot future heartache.

It comes across that the bigger issue here is the relationship with your father. It sounds like you feel pushed out as he focuses on work and his step family. Coupled with the cat fiasco (I think you accused him and your step mother of neglecting their cat?) perhaps he isn't a great person. Have you discussed your feeling neglected with your father? If not, is it possible to do so? (I would not touch on the money or 'preference for the step family' aspects at this time, it will derail the conversation).

You feel how you feel, but it reads like your using your stepmother as a scapegoat for your father’s choices because of how you feel about them.

As you said, he’s an adult and he made his choices to do xyz.

On wanting to be closer to her, you will have to accept that she doesn’t want the same type of relationship that you do. Do you really want a relationship with her considering how you talk about her and how you feel she treats you or do you want a relationship with her to be closer to your father?

Hello all - thanks for your responses, all very thoughtful and emotionally perceptive. I think you are all right that I need to accept that I can't have the sort of relationship I'd like with her, and that I'm also mixing this up with my feelings regarding my dad.