To start trying or not to start trying?

[laurenshikari]

Myself (26F) and my husband (28M) have always known we wanted kids in our future, something we were both really clear about from the offset. We both agreed we wanted them sooner rather than later.

We both have comfortable well paying jobs, I'm at the top pay grade for my level but do aim to go back to university for a year at some point (this would be funded by work) to progress further. We live in a 2 bed spacious flat with a driveway and garden that we own but are planning to sell and buy a bigger house in August next year. My husband was very broody last year and wanted to start trying for a baby after we were married but then we decided no, we'll wait for a bit, and neither of us have mentioned trying again, although we are both still broody.

Although the want for kids has always been there, the past week I feel like I've developed full on baby fever, like an actual physical ache to have a baby, it feels like I've been punched in the gut and I keep getting butterflies when I think about it and it's like an urge to have a baby NOW. I've never felt like this before and I even work with babies and have never felt it this strongly until now.

Question is would it be unreasonable to start trying for a baby now? I keep swithering between buy the house first, do the uni course first (although there's no guarantee I'll even get onto the course this year or next, limited spaces, lots of applicants, interview based), then have a baby OR just try for a baby now and see what happens... I feel like I'm just putting it off for reasons that aren't even a big deal like we can still buy a house with a baby, I can still go to uni for a year with a small child, we have good family support...

Idk, I guess I'm just looking for opinions !

It's personal choice. For me, I wanted to pay our mortgage down as much as we could first, as I knew I didn't want to do full time work once I had my first child, and things like childcare would make our outgoings grow. We waited until i was 30 to start trying (been together 11 years by this point, so we could've started a lot earlier!), and actually paid off our current mortgage when DS was a year old. It has been nice to not worry about extra expenses - clothes/toys for DS, outings with him, holidays..

Uni course first. Bigger house can wait, babies/toddlers don't need much honestly. But I have found pregnancy SO hard - nothing serious, just exhausted, sick, pelvic pain, the usual. There is no way I could have done a uni course. And then when baby comes, you have so many things to juggle, you will likely put off the course for years! Remember, a lot of kids don't sleep through the night for years which zaps your capacity for academic study.

You might have what I call the "unicorn" pregnancy where you feel totally fine and can do crossfit until 9 months and never have a sick day. But you won't know until you're pregnant.

Give it two years
Move house
So the course

I'd do the university bit before I had a child , the house thing can happen anytime , there is a time limit on the baby thing I know but try to do the university bit first.

100 percent

Do the course you don't want to be studying oregnant or with a baby why make it harder on yourself and move house if that's what you want then try when you are 28/29 which personally I think is a lovely ago to start trying for a baby

Excuse my spelling errors trying to breastfeed with a newborn is hard. Perfect example of doing the uni course first

Just go for it. There is never a perfect time, so go with your feelings.

I had fertility issues. If i could go back in time i would have prioritised having kids.

Uni course first, absolutely.

Mixed opinions! I guess I’ll just have to really think about which is more important, it’s a postgrad uni degree so not my first time hence why it’s only a year long course, I would actually be considered young to get into the course as most people who get accepted are in their 30s or 40s. I’ve applied twice already, got rejected the first time and made it to the interview stage last time but didn’t make it further, maybe that’s influencing my mindset as well as I know there’s not really an age/time limit for being accepted and they seem to favour older students with more experience - lots of food for thought!

Go for it. Don't wait. I started ttc at 28 and needed ivf. I already had a degree and a masters, and it was always my intention to do a doctorate, which I did when dc was 3.

I was going to say there's always a reason to postpone having a baby so go for it. But then I saw your age. I think you could afford to wait 1-2 years and do the course first. Much easier to do it now than with a small child (sleep will be an issue and just the juggling gets harder). House move is really unimportant. You can do it while pregnant or when the baby's here.

Try one more time for the course and if you don’t get in try for the baby

studying will be very very hard once baby is here - you just won’t have the capacity to do it all for at least a while unless you have childcare

Bigger house is only a nice to have - that’s your personal choice. What you have now seems ample enough for a baby

Do the uni then crack on

It’s entirely do able to move house or do a uni course when you have a baby but honestly it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder.

You and DH are still both on the younger side so if you waited a year or two it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

That being said I had a DC at 26 as my urge to be a mum was so strong (just like yours sounds) it’s hard though, pregnancy and they need a lot of your time and attention of course. I did a course before having DC but don’t think I would have the energy to now, but that doesn’t mean others can’t.

Do the course and get the house first, it will be 100 times easier without a child.

I would definitely definitely do the uni course first if it opens up opportunities for more progress in work, more money etc.

Did I say definitely?!!!!!

Hi OP,

if you want it now, go for it now!

I had the exact dilemma, me and my husband decided to wait until we had sorted a few things. Accidently got pregnant 6 months after- which we realised wasn’t great timing but we were so happy- then had a miscarriage.. decided that we didn’t want to waste any time and kept having miscarriages/ problems (I am very healthy, no idea we’d have problems beforehand). Fast forward 3 years, a few surgeries later and we got our baby, thankfully without having to go down the IVF route. We managed to have her a couple of years later than we would’ve wanted and I’m so glad we started trying sooner- it’s probably given me a chance of having a second child (if we’re lucky enough to get there).

She’s now 1.5 and I’m doing a 1 yr postgrad alongside my job 3 days p/w and some extra evening work (I work in healthcare, as part of my course i attend on my working day), and she goes to nursery 3 days per week and we have 4 days together. I find it very manageable , really love the variety and my husband works long hours so during the week I have little support.

it’s certainly do-able to have both.

House and uni first! Whichever way around makes more economical sense.

Baby later, definitely.

I'd personally start now. Listen to your body. The older you get, the harder it'll be. I speak from experience. And who knows what could happen to either of you in the meantime? I know it's desirable to get your career and your finances in order first before starting a family, but you're going to get older and your fertility is going to wain. It can take longer to get pregnant and your chances of having more than one baby diminish as time goes on. I started trying at 34 once my career was established and got financially comfortable. Several losses and 3 failed IVF transfers later (and over £10k poorer), I'm 37, with a surprise natural pregnancy that could go either way. Having a baby only destroys prospects if you allow it to. Good luck in whatever you choose.