Not answering messages. Going no contact.

[Polly345]

Ive had an up and down relationship with my dad since my mum died.
He has remarried and it's definitely changed a lot.
He has hinted that he is annoyed because he thinks i am cold and uncaring. I think this is partly to do with her children as they seem to be in frequent contact both in person and on the phone. He also says the same of my son - he has told me he has a problem with him not being an adoring grandson.
I do try to keep in touch (he lives over an hour away and i don't drive) and ask what's wrong but he insists nothing is wrong and then chooses not to answer my messages.
It's gone on for ages and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to keep trying.

So he sees how often his wife’s children contact them and he’s annoyed because you and your son don’t contact him as often?

I assume it hasn’t occurred to him that she’s probably spent their entire lives building a close relationship with them where regular contact is welcomed on both sides? Did he bother doing that with you?
And much effort has he put into being your son’s adoring grandfather? You reap what you sow.

If he isn’t answering your messages and you don’t want to try anymore, then just stop. Don’t send him any more. The ball is in his court. It’s not normal for a daughter to have to plead for her father to talk to her, and what he is doing (adore me or I’ll withdraw completely) is emotional blackmail.

I'm sorry if it sounds dramatic.
Its just gone on for a long time now. He is obviously annoyed but won't tell me what to do to make it work.
I just wondered at what point should it stop and i should stop trying to make it work.

It doesn’t sound dramatic at all. It sounds emotionally draining.

He won’t be happy until you and your son are displaying the same devotion that her children are displaying, and are contacting him the same amount. And once he’s got that, I suspect he’ll find it completely claustrophobic and will find something else to make you jump through a hoop for. Try calling him every day for a week and see how he reacts.

You could carry on like this until he dies of old age. Or you could say ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ and give up. Only you know when you’ve had enough. Letting go of a relationship with a parent isn’t always simple though, so I’d think very carefully about how you’d feel if he died tomorrow. Will there be stuff you wish you’d said to him? Counselling might be an idea if you can afford it.

I’d stop now, it isn’t down to you to make your father behave decently. It will be his loss, not yours or your children.