Child friendships!

[Wishbone436]

Hoping for a bit of perspective on this! Child A & B became friends in reception, they are now finishing Y2 so are 7. They sometimes play together in school time, but have different friendship groups. A & Bs mums are friends, so generally walk at least part of the way to & from school together, so the boys play then. Usually rough/silly play. They are both as bad as each other with this & are both told to stop, but inevitably one ends up getting hurt!
B has some low level additional needs, A has a sibling with more severe additional needs so is quite accepting of the differences.
They have grown apart in terms of ability as they have got older - A is very sporty & part of a football team which is taken very seriously. Some of the class are his team mates & they like to play after school. B wants to join in, but isn’t sporty - struggles to run, gets upset if the ball isn’t passed, but won’t tackle etc.
This results in the other boys getting frustrated as their game gets spoilt. A & the others are usually already mid game when B goes over. They have started leaving B out of the game, which has obviously upset him & he has come away in tears.
A’s mum has spoken to A about being kind and including everyone, and he does try at times, but he is clearly frustrated at not being able to play properly. B’s mum is quite upset about B being left out of the game & tries (usually without success) to pull B away.
A does include B in other games, like when they are playing tag etc.
It seems to be causing a little friction between the mums.

AIBU - B’s mum should appreciate that they have grown apart & encourage B to play with others

YNBU - A’s mum should make sure he always plays with B, and should stop him playing football with the others if they are excluding B

It's a tricky one.

Both mums should be on top of them injuring each other on the walk home. No real excuse for allowing this, and the op makes it sounds as though it's inevitable, which it isn't. Maybe both dc need closer supervision when they are tired after school.

I suspect B has many fewer friends than A, so the "find a different friend to play with" idea isn't always possible. Obviously A has no obligation to B to fill the gap, but it sounds a bit like A's mum wants B to stop wanting to play with A so they don't feel uncomfortable about A excluding him.

I think it's understandable A won't want to play with B if he's a bad sport, and this is something B's parents should work on with him. I think they should be distracting him if he can't manage that rather than expecting A to come away from his other friends.

It's a tough one, as a parent of a ND child, it is heartbreaking when your child is left out or made to feel like they don't belong.
I am forever greatful to my friends and other parents who have taught their children acceptance, tolerance, patience, understanding and who show friendship and include my child.

A few years ago, when one of my daughter's friends left her out of a gymnastics performance, the mother of this child quietly took her aside and asked her 'If you hurt your leg and couldn't perform perfectly, how would you feel if your friends exuded you?' She taught her daughter a life lesson about inclusion.
Ask Child A the same question. 'If you hurt your leg and couldn't play as well, would you want to be excluded by yiur friends?

I do understand the frustration from Child A but could some accommodations be made so that Child B still feels included and valued? Could he play in goal? Could they spend some time playing football 1 on 1 so Child A could give him some friendly coaching etc

As we get older, leaving someone out due to their disability/weakness/neurodiversity is seen as discrimination. It's never too early to teach good values.

My dc would offer to go into goal as he was a rubbish player and better players got irritated. He figured it was a way to be part of the game. He also joined an sen football team so he could practise with kids with similar abilities

I’m guessing you’re A’s mum from the way the post is written (slight positive bias towards A).

if it’s every single time then B needs to find something else to do as they’re spoiling the other kids’ fun. If it’s now and then, then A needs to stop ‘taking it very seriously’ on those occasions and accept that there will be plenty more games without B present where they can play.

However I would say, check if A and B even want to be friends. Could be you and your friend are forcing them together.

Just post from your perspective rather than trying to hide which parent you are. Bias will always creep in so you might as well be honest about which perspective you are posting from

You’re A’s mum, it’s plain as a pikestaff. Don’t faff about with the anonymous A and B stuff. It makes it clunkier to follow the narrative.

Are you sure the boys still want to be friends? As cockadoodle says , that’s not very clear from what you described. If A feels pushed into being B’s friend, he’ll come to resent it, and that can end painfully for both.

I am As mum. It just felt easier for me to write that way. They do want to be friends - I think B more than A now.
i hate the dynamic though, particularly because A has an older brother with disabilities, who just wants to be involved and play like the other kids, but can’t always - due to physical capability & also lack of social understandings.
for this reason, A is absolutely not short of education around being inclusive, differences etc. he can repeat the right things to me all day long, but doesn’t always put them into practice! He is though, generally really good with it & often helps the children with SEND in school etc.
I’m finding it a hard balance. I hate the thought that he is actively excluding another child, but then I also don’t want to force him to play with someone all the time. With his brother, I do expect friends kids to include him & make an effort with him to a point, but they I will bring him away and engage him in something else if it is something he can’t join in, or he is actively spoiling games.

I'll get flamed but I don't think B is As responsibility. A is a child too, he has stuff going on at home and just wants to play different games with different friends.

You might meed to pull away from your mum friend to let him grow.

Bs mum needs to support her son to expand his group to other kids who will play something else with him at the same level so each child can enjoy what they want to. They can still play together where interest overlap e.g. tag.

I would stop walking home from school with B’s mother, at least some of the time, and let the boys disengage a bit, as the days they play football at least aren’t working for anyone involved as things are. I agree with @EatTheGnome that a seven year old shouldn’t be made to feel responsible for another child if it’s having a measurable negative impact on his own life, especially if that child is also living with the inevitable compromises involved in having a sibling with disabilities. However, speculating about what B’s mother ‘should’ be doing is pointless. You can only control your own actions.

Off at a tangent here, but people have a very poor view of goalies on here.

B is not A responsibility

Its actually down to B parents to seek out activities that B with thrive in and find his people.

Parents shouldn’t let their child have ‘one’ best mate because this shit happens all through school - regardless of SN or not.

B parents should say to him that footie might not be his sport but let’s find one that you love. Maybe have a look at tag rugby or solo sports. If he wants to join in the football maybe he could be goalie

I would say that the serious football needs to stay in the serious football club if it is excluding people who were previously friends.

Nobody is anybody else's responsibility but if you want to live in a nice society you have to learn how to do it, and that means not always excluding your friends because they aren't as good at something as you are.

Unfortunately with these serious football clubs for children (boys) this type of behaviour is encouraged by parents so it is tricky but you don't have to conform and neither does he.

I did also think this! My 12 year old’s team has won their league unbeaten two years in a row, and their excellent goalie is key to this.

(Having said that, in a casual after school play game, it can be a way of including a child who struggles with running, won’t tackle etc.)

I got distracted by this: Usually rough/silly play. They are both as bad as each other with this & are both told to stop, but inevitably one ends up getting hurt! Minimising rough play is poor parenting, sort it out.

As for the A/B thing, ask your child do for child B exactly as you expect others to do for your own child with additional needs and explain this to B's mum.

But the boys aren’t ’best friends’, and have separate friendship groups at school. The football problem after school only happens because the boys’ mothers are friends and walk home together with them. Hence my suggestion that the OP disengage a little, and change her after school routine at least on some days — it’s only the mothers’ friendship that is making this an issue. It’s not ‘excluding a best friend’, its ’friendship has drifted, and now neither child is happy’.

i didn’t focus on the silly play as it was an aside but it is something I am very firm on.
yea see I am split too - it isn’t his responsibility, but equally it isn’t ok to include someone just because they struggle. I have tried to direct to other games, but when all the other boys are playing, they want to join in!
I have tried to be a bit later to pick up and hang around a bit after, but the other mum always waits for me! Despite us having a chat about how much easier it is when they aren’t together. We aren’t close friends but she doesn’t speak to many people .
it is much easier to manage the interactions between my youngest & eldest as I am the one actively removing my eldest and engaging him so that my youngest can play, but I can’t control what the other child’s mum does. I feel like I do have the same expectation for A with B as I do with his brother, but I can’t really control that B expects A to constantly play with only him, on his terms

Are there other kids who would like to join the game but can't because they're rubbish? Seems like this group of kids need help to enjoy playing with a mixed group as well as the talented ones for their own sake (not being entitled people, appreciating that fun doesn't always equal winning) as well as the other kids'. I realise that's not necessarily within your control though OP.

In your case I would just want to be very clear with child B and say what is happening, maybe making sure on some days your son is able to play with the whizzy kids but is encouraged to make time to play with B on others. I think I would explain this to the mum as well, but it is for sure a difficult thing to hear as you'll know from your other child's experiences. However as you say you can't control B's every interaction (nor A's, really).

It’s strange because they seem generally pretty inclusive.. I wonder if it is because B cries if things don’t go his way? Maybe that is what causes some of it? I’m quite (mean?!) real with my kids - they play to enjoy. If they win it is a bonus, but they only win on their own merit. I don’t let them win. I also don’t tolerate cheating or changing rules to suit themselves. I grew up with a cousin like that who had a huge tantrum each time things didn’t go his way & it was awful!
Yea I think your approach is the right one. I will have a chat with his mum & explain that I can’t expect to pull him away all of the time, but will discuss how we can include B in other games too. It’s weird being on both sides of an argument cus I feel it from both angles

I don't think you should pullbhim away at all.

Imagine you're in an intermediate cookery class and your best friend is beginner. You'd be pretty annoyed if your mum kept telling you to go and do basic cookery because its kind to your friend.

The reasonable alternative would be that you and your friend make new friends in your respective cookery classes and then choose to meet on a Saturday for an alternative mutually enjoyable activity like a coffee.

I'd divert the school play stuff and offer an alternative park date at the weekend to move theproblem away from school and if things become worse, phase those out altogether.

I’ve been here, OP. My DS was child A in this case. I was very good friends with child B’s mum, and whilst I suspect he is ND there was no diagnosis. It wasn’t just football in our case but all sports - child B was not very physical at all and enjoyed eg playing Star Wars and chess.

Things came to a head when I took DS and a few like minded friends to a Go Ape type of thing for his birthday and didn’t invite child B. His mum felt I should have done, even though the boys didn’t particularly play together in school.

Thankfully it took another mum pointing out to her that Child B would have actually hated Go Ape!