Management and staff problems

[SwansDucksandGeese]

I have taken a grievance out against manager and a colleague who are bullying me and the grievance came through saying they had been bullying and that i no longer have to report to my manager and wpuld report to his manaher insted and my college would be spoken to about her attitude and would need to be supportive and less aggressive towards me. No back stroy no drip they are both very angry people who feel the need to belittled others. Nether have children and are both in heir late 20s I'm in my 40s with 3 children and they don't like me a lot of the aggression is about me being married, having children and basically being seen as having a happy 'normal' life. I never talk about my family at work and keep myself to myself mostly.

I have been told that I need to return to work now. I have been signed off for 2 months while the grievance goes though. My new manager has been telling me that the team don't want me to return they don't like me and want me to leave! There is no reason for me to leave and I think this is them still trying to bully me. I'm very disappointed that my manager is just outright telling me that they dislike me and don't want to work with me. Shouldn't the manager be speaking to them and putting a stop to this?

Is this bullying? Should my manager be doing this? Is there anything I can do?

My manager said I need to ether go back with them or give my resignation! I don't want to leave. The company is close Inhave good benefits and my flexable working hours work well for me.

IABU - I'm at fault here
IANBU - My manager needs to take control of the team and stop the bullying

TIA

New manager sounds as bad as the first one! I hope you’re keeping evidence of what they are saying in case it comes to constructive dismissal. Keep notes of absolutely everything they are saying. Are you a union member? Definitely time to join if you’re not, your management all sounds incredibly partisan and unprofessional.

It doesn't sound great. I'm confused why you haven't gone back to work though, and suspect there are broader issues going on. If the issue was the manager then as soon as you were given a new manager, why didn't you return to work?

If your new manager really said this in the way you have stated they must be really stupid.
You have already "won" one grievance case.

However, if what they said is slightly different maybe they have a point. It sounds like you only like this job for convenience. Perhaps they are suggesting you need to try and rub along with people. That's the only reason I can think a manager would be so brutal.

Have you got proof the new manager said this?

you now need to return either way, and I would be focusing on being an efficient and excellent member of staff.

Is there more to the story about what kind of colleague you are? If not, return with your head held high.

I would go back now that you have been given a new manager, get on with it and see how it goes. They have done their bit, upheld your original grievance and moved you to a new manager and you do now need to return immediately or you need to resign. If you have written proof of this manager then subsequently saying those things to you then I am sure you do not need mumsnet to tell you it is inappropriate and you can raise another grievance but in the absence of that go back, work hard and see where you get to. If more incidents arise then you can record them. Alternative is to seek another job.

This is what I was trying to say but has been said far more eloquently. This is precisely what you should be doing.

You seem to talk about them not having children as if it makes them lesser people than you. I have a feeling there is far more back story than you are letting on here. Is it possible it's true that people just don't like you very much and the manager is being honest to try and do you a favour? If that is indeed the case and you are just not that popular then the grievance is hardly going to improve that aspect for you and make people suddenly take to you. Maybe the people you took the grievance against just could not get on with you and it manifested in their unpleasant behaviour because what the manager said was true and they just didn't like you in general.

Nether have children and are both in their late 20s I'm in my 40s with 3 children and they don't like me a lot of the aggression is about me being married, having children and basically being seen as having a happy 'normal' life.

Is the implication that they don’t have ‘happy normal lives’?

I think you always run the risk of alienation from a team when you raise a grievance without thinking through the potential outcomes. You say they just don't like you because you have children and are married (I find that very hard to believe), and your new manager has also confirmed that the team do not like you and want you to leave. This sounds untenable now. Why would you want to work at a place you know you are not liked?

This sums it up really. You kind of have to play the game really if you're looking to take it to court. Record everything but do your part. So they've given you a new manager to try and fix it you have to give that a shot and try to work. Make sure you are "squeaky clean". So don't retaliate.

Yes I'm wondering where this has come from.

Sorry to say but the new manager is bullying you as well. They have closed ranks. I’ve been bullied at work when I was in a different team OP it was awful. Unfortunately it won’t ever change. Keep copies of all the evidence, write a diary of events, call ACAS for advice and join a Union if you have access to one. I joined my union when I realised they were out to remove me. I thought the union rep would say I joined to late to get support from them as the issues were already present when I joined but they still represented me.

They will do everything they can to remove you from the role now so you need to get your ducks in a row and be prepared. It’s a very unpleasant process but I promise you the relief you will feel when you finally leave will be immense. It took me over a year after leaving to recover mentally from what they put me through and I know they have gone on to bully and treat other team members the same way as me since I left. The problem is with them, not you.

Bullying is never acceptable but please tell me you did not tell them you think they are jealous of your "happy normal life" of marriage and children.

I am not married and do not have children and can assure you I have a perfectly happy normal life.

I mean this would get my back up instantly if someone in the workplace was saying or even thinking things like this about younger colleagues. It's not exactly a likeable quality in a person to think people are all jealous of you because they don't have a happy normal life like you. I think most people would struggle to gel with an attitude like that in a workplace. I do wonder if the new manager is trying to do op a favour

One has fertility troubles and gets upset about people getting pregnant everyone is very sensitive to this but she is very angry about not having them. The old manager thinks that anyone taking time off to go to school (sports day, parents evening, plays and the like) is a OTT parent and makes your life hell same with children being ill

Sigh, if only they could have normal happy lives just like you.

I suspect there's a lot more to this story that we won't get from the OP.

In fairness I am a parent and time off for school stuff and kids illness is really annoying...as in the fact I have to take time off for it but also when everyone has sports day the same week.

And some parents are very entitled. I have even had working parents tell me they can't do x, y or z because of their kids ....when I have same number and age of kids.

It's terrible they were bullying you.
But the reasons you claim for them doing so don't seem to make sense?
Why do you think they believe you have a 'happy perfect normal life'? Maybe they have no interest in your home life, nor should you in theirs.
It sounds like it might be wise to look for a new job..the manager and these others seem unprofessional and rude. But the way you speak of them and their lack of children sounds pretty mean and judgemental.

No I have absolutely never said this but they have. I have a lot of problems that they don't know about because I don't share personal information. My daughters both have additional needs, my husband can't work, we are in financial trouble and things are far from successful shine and flowers.

I know right! Disabilities, SEN, debt...

Yes I agree. I suspect there's much more going on.

OP, I think you need to return to work under the new manager and try to commit to making your experience at work as positive as possible. If you're not in a union consider joining one.

Let's start with no one should be bullied the workplace. Or anywhere, really.

I strongly suspect that there's a bigger backstory to this than the OP will ever admit to.

It's possible that the colleague and/or manager have garnered support during the grievance and effectively told their side of the tale to other members of the team which has turned them against you.

This is the potential ramification of raising grievances, unfortunately. It shouldn't be-at all-but the thing is, with you being absent for 2 months, if the two people concerned were present-they've had those two months to garner that support.

However, given how you talk about them and the fact that there seems to be a uniform dislike towards you-is there a chance that maybe you've rubbed someone up the wrong way? That doesn't excuse any bullying, in any way, shape or form. But you jumped on mentioning the fact that they're both childless and that you have children-hinting at jealousy- but yet you haven't qualified why those facts are relevant at all.

It does make me wonder if there's been a whiff of the entitled parent about you-do you possibly take a lot of time off-impacting on the team-or demand to leave early a lot of the time-which may cause issue for other people if they have to pick up your slack?

I'm just getting that hint given your follow up post about your manager not believing anyone should take time off for their kids. I could be wrong-but I'm wondering why it was relevant that they don't have kids and you do-because it doesn't seem to be-unless...

I think you may need to return to work and try to be as positive as possible and make it work. In the meantime, I'd probably start looking for other jobs because I don't think I could work in that environment, but I'd also reflect on my own behaviour and see if maybe I've rubbed people up the wrong way and how I can change that if I have.

My partner doesn't work so does most of the parent duty stuff but parents evening (2 times a year) I need to leave bang on time to make the last slots, end of year play I go to which I tend to take a morning holiday for thjnsg like that I do go to and I don't take the piss.

I think me being the oldest on the team doesn't help they go to lunch and sometimes 'out out' together and I have never been invited. Clubbing on a Thursday night when I'm in the office at 8:30 is something I did in my 20s too but I can't even manage it at weekends now. And no I don't care that they do it they manage to get in on time, clean and clutching a double strength costa for 'the team' (i.e. not me but everyone else) and get their work done. It's really no skin off my nose it's just an example of how I'm not part of their club.

I think they have a friend that works in another office for the same company who I suspect they want to come to our office but nothing has ever been said. They do make me feel uncomfortable and I'm very much not part of the cool gang. I have snide comments about my weight, my hair, my car (oh no a parent of 3 has a people carrier!) My nails (no i dont get them done i have short clean natural nails), my accent, my choice of pet (a mixed breed dog!) My lunch smells (a BLT sandwich from m&s) it's just constant digs that they sometimes direct at me and sometimes think I can't hear. At one point, whenever i was going to the toilet, one would run to the toilet and stay in there for ages, then laugh about it when they came out. It's draining, and I just want it to stop. It's like being at school.