Would you be happy with someone who hits their kid babysitting yours?

[Issthiswrong]

There is so much backstory as you'd expect with these kinds of problems but I'm going to try to keep it succinct.

I'm a SAHM to two kids. One to ex, one to DP. DP works. Ex works. Ex has a girlfriend with a school aged child and a baby who also works.

Ex has said during latest disagreement about his pisspoor parenting that he insists on 5050 despite working full time and girlfriend will provide full time childcare. Now let's assume that girlfriend of 1 year, with her own job, child and newborn is happy to provide full time childcare of a toddler she has spend no time alone with and little time actually with. I don't believe he's actually discussed this with her but she could, plenty of women on here care for their boyfriends kids, not happily from the threads but hey, my actual concern is this...

The very little I actually know about her is that they had an argument over her hitting her own child and he told me he didn't feel safe her being around DS and they stopped seeing her. He's now changed his tune and moved her in and is entrusting our toddler with her full time?

Am I really being unreasonable to not want someone who hits their kid to be unsupervised with mine. Do I really get no say over that? It's so devastating that he can parent however he wants and I can't do anything to protect my child from being treated poorly and now have no say over who he hands my child over to.

Yes I know I should have thought about how fit he was as a parent before having a child with him. I regret it and feel more shame than you could possibly imagine.

Do I just have to accept it? And if she does hit him, do I just have to accept that too?

I would not be happy with this no. Is this just a private discussion or mediation or going through court or what?

You are so not being unreasonable! I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

It's just a private discussion at this stage. I'm going to have to take it further arent i? It's so infuriating, I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall he just won't consider DSs needs at all in any situation. He wants DS 5050 becuase he's entitled to it. He doesn't want me to have more of something we jointly own. I'm asking him to give up 2.5 days a fortnight so he can work without taking DS with him. It feels ridiculous for him to be suggesting she have him when his own mother is home with his sibling.

No, you do not have to accept it if she hits your child.

If she hit my child, she would seriously regret it. I would call social services and try to bring hell down on her. I would also probably threaten to punch her lights out if she ever did it again. Which is probably not very wise, admittedly. But she would know I meant it.

As you’re a SAHM surely you could refuse to let DS go there unless your Ex is there. I’d let him take me to court and I’d explain why I refuse to let her mind my child.

If I am aware of this information and trust it to be true... then no, I would let hell freeze over first!

I would be reminding the ex of 'that time you told me she hit so and so' and explain and that's why she's not taking care of our child!

No if's, buts or maybes

I totally agree with this!

no way would I be happy doing 50-50 for his girlfriend to be the one spending the time with the child. And definitely not after what he said about her hitting her child. I’d just say no and take me to court and let the courts decide. If he does go that far then you can raise this. It’s ridiculous he is wanting it just because he can, and someone not related to your child is the one who gets the extra time with this child. I’d be fighting this all the way

I'd hope that anyone who feels they need to discipline in this way would only ever apply it to their own child and not to any other child but you're not wrong to be concerned.

I wouldn't allow anyone who hit their kids to look after mine. In my case it was my mother. She beat myself and siblings regularly up until I was 15. I never left my kids alone with her. My sister, however, regularly left her kids with her (to go out every weekend). Her kids were regularly smacked.

If I had ever found out she'd laid a hand on mine, as PP said, there would be hell to pay. Police included.

If you are on speaking terms with her, I would check she knows that this is what he is suggesting. I bet he hasn't even asked her.

I didn't even know her name until recently. Never seen her. No idea what she looks like.

How do I stop him. He can just lie. He's lied about taking him to work. Lied about providing him with a bed. Lied about giving him baby bottles (he's far too old). Lied about things he's told DS about me that he should not be saying to a young child. He can just lie about leaving him with her. And is being a pisspoor father a legal reason to refuse contact?

Court. Cafcass.
Over my dead body would I just let something like this lie.

Send a text and keep it saying you aren't happy for her to have him because

1. It's his time to have DS, not hers and
2. You dont want to risk your child in an abusive setting.

He can have contact but Amy changed to current arrangements require a court order. I know there are other steps like mediation expected first but let him do his homework and put the effort in to do it.

I wouldn’t even allow visits while the parent was present. I’d tell him to take it to court and explain why he was choosing to live with someone who abuses their child.

What age is your child? If she hit him could he tell you?

He's 3, so he can tell me but he's not reliable really. His dad has been teaching him to keep secrets too but he seems to be doing a good job of telling me about the secrets.

How do I refuse him longer contact time without refusing contact entirely. Can't he just refuse to give him back?

Offer mediation.
The mediators will explain to him that he's being unreasonable

Absolutely this. Hell would freeze over before I handed my child to a child abuser.

It makes me feel absolutely sick what is going off at that house but I feel like legally being a shit father and smacking your child aren't illegal so I wouldn't win a court battle.

I don't understand how his brain works to be so arrogant and selfish when it comes to your child. Just think of your goddamn child for once! Its not hard!