Or is my ex?

[JamesWonder]

Hi.

Now exP walked out on me 2 months ago, when my youngest DC was 4 months old.

When we were together, I had floated putting eldest DC in nursery an additional day per week (up to 3 days from 2). He told me at the time to do it if it would be good for DC and make my life easier - baby is EBF and not a good sleeper.

Last week, I signed eldest up for the additional day. When he came in to see kids, DC told him they had been at nursery that day. He flipped his lid at me, telling me I needed to discuss any decision like this with him first, said I’m completely out of order.

Since he left, he’s been off the radar at times, including when kids have been ill, and there have been days when he hasn’t asked after them at all, including when they’ve been unwell. I’m absolutely exhausted from sleep deprivation, I’ve done all the night wakings since baby was born and am now doing vast majority of bedtimes and all morning drop offs plus have eldest at home with me twice a week (which I love).

I feel like this is a control thing rather than wanting to know what kids are up to, as he never ever asks me what they’re doing day to day. But maybe IABU - am I?

I haven’t asked him to pay a penny towards the additional day or do drop offs/pick ups.

Frankly it's none of his fucking business.. Your dc went to nursery not up a chimney working.... I hope you claim cms.

He is your ex. As long as you are looking after your children well (and it sounds like you are) you really don't have to take his opinion about the day to day running of your home on board.

It sounds like he thinks he gets to dictate how you look after you're children while he's contributing fuck all. He's not a man whose opinion you should respect.

I’d tell him it’s not of his business and when he works out what days he’s taking responsibility for he can choose if they go to nursery or he cares for them. Oh wait, don’t tell me, he’s not doing any independent childcare? He is trying to control you, yes some decisions should be discussed, primary school to choose etc, increasing nursery days, no you do not need his his permission. You need to push back firmly now and make it very clearly you won’t tolerate this kind of bull

Who gives a fuck what he thinks? He can either put up or shut up.

You have them that day then you choose who cares for them on that day, he doesn't get a say.
Please claim CMS.
You need to start putting new boundaries in place. He can't just swan in and out and think he gets the final say on everything. You're in charge of your time.

Tell him to do one. What a moron. Remind him that he left, and now you’ll run your life as you want to, without getting his constant seal of approval.
he is being a total controller. Nip this in the bud.

Tell him that his prolonged general lack of interest in their wellbeing / daily lives - and give examples - means that the day to day parenting decisions are yours to make because they only impact you and not him. And then remind him that he agreed to it back when you were together, so this surprising turnaround is looking very much like he’s just trying to throw his weight about. What a dick.

Stand your ground. If he wants to have an equal say in parenting decisions then first he needs to behave like an equal parent.

The only way he gets to question this is if he is wishing to care for his child on this extra day instead. If he wants to do that I would say let him - it will save you money and good for the child to have time with both parents. Nursery is absolutely great for little kids - I worked full time when mine was little and she has grown into a fantastic human being who has a brilliant relationship with me - but had I been separated from her dad at that time (that came later) I would have prioritised time with him over time at nursery, if you see what I mean.

If, as I suspect, your ex is in fact trying to insist that you have the child at home with you rather than at nursery, then it has utterly no right to order you around like that and can fuck the fuck off.....

How much time is he spending with the children currently, out of interest? I presume you won't want to be away from the baby for too long at the moment, but he should definitely be having the older child for decent lengths of time, whatever is agreed by both of you, but certainly he should be having over the child over nights etc - much better if the child becomes used to this now.

What days does he have DC?

I think educational matters should be discuss to a degree like what school the children should attend but nursery/ childcare is a bit different. Besides, DC already attends so it's not a new thing.

Realistically, he doesn't get to do nothing and then dictate what you do while you're doing all the hard graft. I'd tell him that and give him the bird.

This

He’s back with parents currently, so when he has DC he comes back to the house for bedtime after work (when he can/feels like it) and every other weekend he’s having them either at home or taking them out. Generally he takes them to the park/for meals, but I have to meet them every few hours to breastfeed.

Over the past couple of weeks I have, for several reasons, suspected drug use, so have told him he’s not to have them alone until he takes a drug test. He’s now clutching at anything he can to make out I’m a bad mother/stopping contact. I’ve told him to come and see them every day but until I know he’s behaving responsibly I won’t leave them with him.

I realise this bigger picture shows that there are far bigger problems here, but sometimes I start believing that IABU

He needs to have them away from your home. It is your space, not his.

He's coming in your home? I'd put a stop to that.

Yeah, stop the letting him come to your house, get a claim in with CMS and no you're not unreasonable with upping a day at nursery.

You need some boundaries and space. Stop letting him come to the house. That is your space now . Make him give notice.

I would stop joining them every 2 hours for breastfeeding. Either he takes them for a short break and brings them home when baby needs a feed or gives baby a bottle while you express at home . The visits don’t need to be long at this age.