To think nearly everyone is unhappy and / or anxious?

[Rainbowsprings]

I feel like everyone I know (including me) is struggling. I think it’s partly age - my friends and I are all 40s so this is when health stuff starts, parents start dying / getting sick but kids still need us.
I literally don’t know anyone who isn’t sad or anxious or both. I can’t decide if it makes me feel ‘better’ or worse. I think worse tbh. Everyone I speak to seems to have some sort of awful thing happening or have recently happened:
friend one - dad killed himself a year ago
friend two - husband has cancer and dad is ill
friend three - sister just died of cancer
friend four - recently got pregnant with miracle baby but miscarried at 16 weeks.
friend five - going through divorce and just been made redundant
friend six - unhappy with husband and in an abusive relationship
friend seven - dc diagnosed profoundly autistic, non-verbal and violent at times towards her and siblings.

Everywhere I look people are sad and worried and overwhelmed.
I am feeling very much the same myself and I do feel like - life is basically just one long relentless struggle with precious little joy. I really wish I hadn’t had my dc because I seriously feel like has so little to offer. I am traumatised that I could have another 40 years of feeling like this if - god forbid - I make it to 80.

AIBU to think that there’s so much sadness and distress and it’s disproportionate to the joy / hope?

Me too, 25mg sertraline

I agree that a lot of my friends in their 40s have stuff going on like ill/dead parents, ill partners, child difficulties or separation/divorce. None of it is great but I think most try to make the best of it and enjoy times when they can. I do have days I feel more down (possibly linked to hormones) but on the whole I’m not unhappy or anxious. I try to have a glass half full approach. A lot of my life isn’t easy for various reasons but I have a lot to be grateful for and try to remember that.

Totally understand the anxiety in the morning. Sertraline was a big help.

Love this.

Sorry you're going through it @daisypond 💐

@daisypond me too. But there is something liberating about a terminal diagnosis to just make you go fck it, fck it all!

Hope you're doing as well as possible x

I think you/your friends have had a really bad time recently, but this is not the norm. You need to sometimes make hard decisions if things are dragging you down (changing jobs, moving area, divorce, distancing yourself from certain friends) but life is for living and enjoying as much as you can. Maybe counselling, or sertraline would help you?

In my friend group there’s a fair few with a lot of hardship, but they’re not depressed or anxious, they struggle but still have happiness & joy.

I don’t see this in my work place either.

I hope you get through this and have many, many happy and healthy years ahead.

You sound like you’re peri, HRT may be a life changer for you

How on earth do you get a happiness boost when your husband dies (unless you hate him of course 😏) ?

Yes and what makes it worse is depressed people often bully other depressed people

If someone comes to you irl and tells you how anxious and overwhelmed they are feeling, nobody with a shred of empathy is going to say 'ahh that's sad for you, but my life is amazing at the moment. I'm having a grand old time'

Or if you say 'oh how sad that X has cancer', they are more like to say 'ahh I know, z's dad also has it', rather than, 'well everyone I love, me included, is cancer freeeee woohoo'.

People are trying to show empathy, as is our human way,

I'm certainly happy with my lot and am lucky people around me are, even though life events occur (death, cancer, aging etc.), but I certainly wouldn't rub someone's nose in it who was having a miserable time.

Have you considered going to see a counsellor about how you are feeling? I recognise absolutely that as we age health related issues and deaths of parents become more common, but all the (very sad) issues you list are not at all exclusive to age.

I got divorced in my 20s. I lost my dad in my 30s. My two best friends lost their dads in their 20s. My other friend lost both her siblings in her 20s. My husband attempted suicide in our 20s. A few friends have had miscarriages in their 20s. A few friends found out they well never conceive in their 30s. My MIL was diagnosed with cancer in my 30s. A friend from school died of bowel cancer when we were 29. Another friend from school committed suicide at 35. Another friend died in a road collision when we were 24. The list goes on.

Life has terrible parts and wonderful parts. It wouldn’t be life if it didn’t. Counselling may help you make peace with that?

It's good to have compassion for your friends but they are their problems not yours.
You can't control anything apart from your response to crappy situations. We will always have problems.
Don't get too buried with it otherwise it'll be too hard to bounce back. There is also a lot of good things in the world too.

You have my sympathy OP. Anxiety can be torturous at times.

Know that things can and do get more manageable. Consider seeing your GP or doing some CBT. Really helped me.

I'm the same. I'm a worrier and overthinker, just like my DF, but I'm happy and thankful for the good things in my life, and laugh every day. All of my friends, except one who suffers from depression, are happy and content.

I’m 50. Perimenopausal and feel a lot of anxiety. I don’t feel sad or depressed but I worry about a lot of things. It started a few years ago due to my job which I found very stressful particularly during Covid/lockdowns etc. I pretty much hit rock bottom due to lots of things going on at the time. Life now is generally easier but the anxiety is worse again which I know is probably more a hormonal thing. A few of my friends suffer from anxiety but I wouldn’t say most people
I know do

Just adding that most of my anxiety was caused by bad relationships that I didn’t realise were so bad. Like constant bullying and undermining and made to feel useless by ex (who just had another pop at me - he’s DC child’s father so no escape). It is all about who is around you… on own is better than someone taking away rather than adding to your life

YABU.

I'd agree with everything in the first 5 replies.

I think life is about finding contentment. That’s obviously easier for some, depending on the hand they have been dealt and their outlook/nature/conditioning - we are all products of environment. I don’t have children, which I suppose lessens things to be anxious about.

I had a big family tragedy happen at 17 and, at the time, my brother and I discussed how strange it seemed that the world just continued around us. That was a pivotal moment for me, I realised that challenges and unhappy things happen…but life is always changing and the difficult times don’t last forever. I’m nearly 40 now and it does seem to be a challenging stage in my friendship groups - older parents, relationships, toddlers, infertility are all very real and common problems that we didn’t discuss a few years ago.

I’m quite motivated to make the best of this time, we never know what is around the corner. I take joy in the little things in even the most mundane days, chatting with my class, banter in the staffroom, cooking a meal and sitting down to enjoy it with DH, getting out for some exercise, WhatsApping shit to my bestie.

I'm not anxious or unhappy, nor is anyone I know. Only on mn is anxiety so rife. The list you listed happens to many. Many people have cancer, get divorced, get made redundant. You brush yourself off and get on with it. What's the alternative? I think it's probably your attitude that needs adjusting. We all have shit going on. Show me someone who doesn't? But you have time at least try and find the joy in life, enjoy little things.

I understand about the long term health condition. It can grind you down. Have you seen your consultant recently?

And what about all the other good things you've got going on? Nice husband? Good job? Nice friends? What about one of those : 'How to be grateful for the little things list: a bubble bath, the smell of coffee, a bunch of flowers? Might that help?

I was a bit glib yesterday in my response. I understand that debilitating illness can totally get you down. Really sorry for those on this thread who are ill and suffering.

That said, I also agree with pp above that MN has a very high proportion of constantly anxious people. In real life, no one I know is anxious all the time or about everything. Sure, about some things. But not 24/7 and 365 days a year.