To wonder what you do when you can do longer manhandle a dc …

[howeveridivide]

OK manhandle is a bit strong.

So this morning we all overslept a bit so I’m rushing and hurried. Ds (aged 3) is refusing to get dressed so I say ok … I’ll get dd dressed and then sort you. Still refuses after I’ve got dd ready so say a couple of times (and I actually say look ds I don’t want to drag you around) but no joy so I have to force him. And it’s horrible, I hate doing it but I can’t really be late.

But … what happens if that same situation and ds isnt 3 but 8, or 9? Or is he going to be a bit more reasonable by then?

At that age i would distract him with something and get him changed. But at 8 or 9 I wouldn't tolerate that nonsense and there will be firm consequences for that.

Age 8 ish my child refused to get dressed for school so I took her in her pyjamas with uniform in a bag. She needed up getting changed in the car when she realised I’d go through with taking her in not dressed. She’s not done it again.

edit to Finish

Just be consistent and make sure once they’re at the age you can’t do it for them anymore they understand the rules and boundaries and know if you offer a consequence you follow through.

But how did you get her in the car? I guess this is what I’m wondering … I already struggle to physically lift ds so not sure I’ll be able to at 8, especially if he’s resisting!

I don’t know for us it was a mixture of sensory issues and not having a plan for what was going on in advance with not enough warning to mentally prepare for it get one of those picture chart things which show what’s happening that day in order

Also try bribing them with sweets or rewards for doing what you say, say if you get in the car you can have a sweet

she loved her teacher so wouldn’t disappoint her. It was just clothes that were the issue that morning. I was lucky perhaps. I also didn’t threaten, I wasn’t angry, I was just factual. School is non negotiable, what you wear there is. So as long as you go to school that’s ok by me. She realised she cared about being dressed appropriately by the time we got there.

you’ll get to know your child as they grow. You’ll know what works for you all as a family to get where you need to be.

At the age of 8 and 9 the dynamic is different and they have the capacity to understand why they need to get dressed and what being late means. That’s not the case at the age of 3. The toddler years are the most difficult ones (for me) as you can’t always reason with them. But I would also say to pick your battles as some things are really not worth the psychological damage to both parent and child just because of principles.

What do you do when they don't care about consequences?

I don’t know 😬

Definitely get him up earlier and don't allow ANYTHING he wants (tv / iPad / toys) until he is dressed. Consistently saying - get dressed and then you can.

It's tough but you really should need to manhandle. Try a rewards chart too - a sticker for getting dressed, doing teeth, eating breakfast etc and at 20 stickers he picks a treat.

This is what I want to know too

Yeah reward charts work for us

That's why its quite important to go through the "respect mah authoritah" stage when they are small. A toddler throws a tantrum about going to the doctors you pick them up and carry them in. After a looooong period of tantrums, they eventually get the message that you are in charge when it comes to stuff like that. By the time they are 8/9 you aren't having to physically wrestle them. But yes, if you just let small children get away with murder its much harder when they are older. That said - even if you can't wrestle them there is lots of stuff they care about at that age, so its easy to make consequences and they are old enough to understand.

Obviously that only applies to neurotypical children without (e.g.) developmental issues.

Honestly? It’s really hard when you and they realise you can’t physically wrestle them into the car. My dd is a school refuser. She has consequences if she doesn’t go in, but ultimately I can’t just force her like I used to.

This, no breakfast until dressed. No TV/ IPADs until teeth and hair done, bag packed etc. Allow a good 20 minutes contingency.

Someone needs to do this for me when I cba to go to work

My son at primary school was a nightmare in the morning. To the point I’d dress him while he was in bed half asleep! He’s now 16 and 6ft so won’t be dressing him or manhandling him anywhere. They do grow out of it and also as they grow you can explain and reason with them. I used to worry I’d be carrying him into high school half asleep but like I say he grew out of it. He still doesn’t like getting up obviously as he’s a teenager but you can talk with them at that age!

Bribery ftw. And yes, 8 year olds are much, much easier than 3 year olds. Good luck x

Don’t borrow trouble. There’s no reason to think that this will be a problem in five years’ time - an 8 year old and a 3 year old are completely
different propositions.
My DD(10) has a learning disability and is autistic. If she doesn’t get dressed, there is absolutely nothing we can do to make her. But we’ve had years of practice and have a good grasp of what does and doesn’t help.

They grow out of it by then. My youngest was a terrible toddler but she's 9 now and I never have to manhandle her to do anything! Sometimes she needs to be threatened with screen time bans but hardly ever now.
Work on setting boundaries now, reward charts usually work well for 3 year olds.

You use the intervening years to learn how to parent them as well as you can and work out what makes them tick, explain why we do things and what's in it for them, in the hope they will be reasonable with you when they are stronger and more independent, and also more able to understand this type of reasoning (but start working on it now, in age-appropriate ways). I guess you could always work on maintaining or building your strength in case they don't turn out so easy to handle, but that sounds far from ideal, and hopefully you'll get some better responses on how to motivate and influence less easy-going older children.

My son has just turned 2. I have to wrestle him into clothes every few morning.

I've taken a few approaches, let him the clothes - each thing is a 'no' and thrown away. Or he starts emptying the drawers.

Sing/ distract sometimes works

Give him something to hold and inspect

But sometimes it doesn't matter what I do he will kick and scream and fuss, pulls his legs out of the trouser leg etc. Most mornings he doesn't have socks on until he gets to nursery.

I am hoping once he is older he will be more reasonable, I think it's just toddler tantrum that they grow out of. I like what someone said about driving them to the school in pjs!

I would turn it into a game. So for example I'll race you to see if you can get dressed before I have cleaned my teeth. I bet I'll win. Or I'll close my eyes and count to thirty. If you can get dressed before I get to thirty, we'll play your favourite tune in the car, but if not, I get to choose what music we have on.

8 or 9 have interests and priorities. By that age, they know about consequences. When they know you mean it, they understand why you mean it, they have to listen.

A 3 year old is more about distraction, and some immediate consequences. They're still too little for school!

My child (asd) does sometimes refuse and he is too tall / strong for me to safely take over. So sometimes we are late, it is rare though. Mostly he has learned that lateness is unacceptable an he will try. At 3/4/5 (some in lockdown so it took longer) I still had to demonstrate that he was going to have to do the thing and he went to school in his pj's (clothes went with him) for that message to get in and making him aware with a Countdown through the morning routine.
My eldest reacted well to a getting ready tick board and star chart at that age. It's finding what works for the child sometimes