To feel unsafe in my own flat?

[JustHedgehog]

Pls give me some perspective as I can’t tell if I’m being ridiculous or not!!!

So I’m renting my friends’ 2-bed flat. I found another flatmate to split rent who seemed great at the viewing, work similar jobs, similar interests etc. When they moved in I assumed they were just shy, but they would only eat in their room and basically avoid the common areas. Their conversation with me is limited to one word answers to questions, and they won’t acknowledge me until I do first if I come home and they’re in the kitchen etc. However they always smile and are civil, so I wanted to make them feel comfortable and give them some space. I assumed that over time we would develop more of a relationship given it’s just us two in a very small flat.

However, a few months ago they started dating a man who lives in Paris. At first they asked if they could come over for a weekend, which was fine by me. But one Monday I woke up, thinking I could hear my flatmate in the kitchen, went down to discover it’s their BF who tells me that he’s here for a week and that my flatmate had left him a key while they are at work.

I was fuming and immediately texted my flatmate to say it’s out of order, and they apologised and recognised that they should have at least asked me before hand. I accepted the apology, we agreed to have dinner together and just move on.

But I can’t, I felt so unsafe in my own flat waking up to having a strange man here with the key. TBH I think I wouldn’t mind so much if it was a big house share, but it literally just two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a kitchen/living. I just feel constantly on edge when I hear the key in door now. I really don’t want to move out but I’m not sure how I can resolve this? It’s so difficult to have a conversation with my flatmate about anything and when we do the most I can get out of them is ‘ok’.

What does it say in your contract about visitors? I have a lodger and it says visitors are only with my agreement. If there is nothing then she's entitled to have a visitor but not to give him a key. YANBU.

You feel how you feel and that's not wrong but it does just sound like poor communication. I personally wouldn't feel that bothered but everyone is different

My ex flatmate years ago used to do this, once I was off work sick on the sofa in my PJs with a duvet and her boyfriend let himself into the flat! I was fuming, I didn’t even know he had a key!

You’re not wrong to be annoyed, it’s just rude. Personally I wouldn’t be that concerned about safety but I’d be pissed off at the lack of communication.

It doesn’t sound like it’s working out in general with this person living together, how has the arrangement been made? Can you give them notice and find someone more suitable to take the room?

Are you both on a lease jointly? What does the lease say about overnight guests? To be honest, most leases either won't mention it or will put a reasonable limit on it which a week long visit shouldn't breach.

Unless they're a lodger in which case it's different.

As much as your flatmate is pretty low key in communication (and a bit thoughtless), they don't seem to be unreasonable or defensive. You don't need to have a big conversation with them, it doesn't have to be a back and forth since that's obviously not their style. You just need to lay out your needs i.e. in future, you'd appreciate a certain amount of notice before overnight guests visit that let's you know who's coming and how long they'll be there. All they need to say is either yes or no.

I feel like you having notice wouldn't have made this any better, though. You don't know your flatmate well and you know their partner even less. People coming and going is the unfortunate reality of flat-sharing (especially with strangers). Someone's going to have a guest staying over at some point and, if that isn't for you, living on your own might be the better option.

I don't think there's much that can be done about the key thing. If someone's a guest for a week, they're either welcome or they're not. But in future, you should at least know about it in advance so you can prepare.

I'd go through the roof at this. You did not sign up to have a man as a flatmate. This is extraordinarily rude of her. I'd tell the landlord and ask him/her to change the locks. No way would that man be staying in the flat!

That's not really how flatsharing works. I understand how someone might feel unsafe with a strange man suddenly being in their space but the right to reasonable enjoyment of a home includes overnight guests whether you're a sole or joint tenant. The lease can put some limitations on that but they have to be fair. Everything else comes down to negotiation between the people sharing the flat. If you absolutely wouldn't want a male guest staying in your home then your only real option is live alone to avoid that.

I would be annoyed at the presumption of it but given she's apologised and promised to not surprise you like that again I would let it go.

I think some ground rules are necessary for the next visit. Is a week too long - perhaps specify three nights max and not more than once a month? If you don't want him there when she's not then state that too.

I house shared for years and ironing out these creases were an ongoing battle.

We had one very young first time renter who insisted on having her older partner included in every house conversation. He was a nice guy but it was irritating having him constantly mansplain the obvious to me.

You are being inneffectual silly. You are the main tenant. Next time you see him just DEMAND THE KEY!!!!!!!!Hes TRESSPASSSING!!!!!! Whats the problem. Just say collect your things and GO!!!!!!!Rnd of!! Be the flat mate from hell .

This isn't an overnight guest. This is a bloke who has moved in for a week and can let himself in and out of the flat at will.