If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

The key word here is ‘reasonable’ adjustments. Are you saying that it is in no way possible that a teenager may try to exploit a label to their own benefit? I make reasonable adjustments for all of my learners dependent on need, but if I think someone is using the diagnosis to get out of something which I know they are capable of, then I will absolutely try to encourage that learner to step out of their comfort zone. There is a generation coming through now with next to no resilience as everyone is too scared to say no or encourage growth. I want better for my son. He would always pick the easy option, but with support and encouragement he can achieve so much. I have seen massive improvements in him from following this approach. Yes, he will need REASONABLE adjustments, but not a golden ticket to get out of everything. That would not help him in the long run.

Yes I have worked in disability rights. I have advocated for those with disabilities for years, both visible and non visible. Of course there is stigma. I was not saying there was a stigma because of a diagnosis, of course the individuals doing the discrediting are responsible, but to pretend there is no stigma at all is absurd. It there was no stigma, there would be no need for disability rights workers!

You are very wrong about there being no support in education without an EHCP. Schools can absolutely make concessions without an EHCP. My son has received support in very subtle ways and doesn’t even have a diagnosis. I provide extra support to my own learners who have no diagnosis but who I suspect may have autism. Funnily enough, I NEVER judge the parents for not pursuing a diagnosis. The aggression shown to parents choosing not to is disgusting.

“DS4 is the least neurodivergent person in the house, and he’s diagnosed autistic and possibly ADHD”

okkkay

Do tell what makes one the least neurodivergent?

Re your son being able to tell you what is in his head and he needs perfectly illustrates my point . 2 of my children can’t and given that autism brings communication difficulties that’s not surprising. They’ve had a lot of professional support to help with this.

I think you might find that once they enter the teenage years things change. We’ve been told that one of our dc needs go be in complete control( they have a pda profile) and we must stand back. We’ve been advised repeatedly by services to support alongside and not push our views re what will help. All our ND profiles are massively different so it’s not surprising . We’ve always tried to give solutions but you can try too much, sometimes there isn't a solution and that is perfectly ok. They need to know that’s ok too.

“Are you saying that it is in no way possible that a teenager may try to exploit a label to their own benefit? I make reasonable adjustments for all of my learners dependent on need, but if I think someone is using the diagnosis to get out of something which I know they are capable of, then I will absolutely try to encourage that learner to step out of their comfort zone. There is a generation coming through now with next to no resilience as everyone is too scared to say no or encourage growth.”

You don’t get to dictate what somebody with a protected disability thinks they need as regards reasonable adjustment. You are not them.

You said “I’ve seen teenagers use the diagnosis to get out of anything slightly uncomfortable.” You don’t know what is uncomfortable and it’s not up to you to decide. Do you decide what students with physical disabilities find comfortable?

You said “Support can be put in place that hinders autonomy and independence. In short, a diagnosis can lead to people losing trusting in themselves and their development actually slows or halts altogether.” Do tell what type of support one can access as an autistic child/ teen without an EHCP in school that hinders autonomy and independence?

And to infer that people with autism are lacking in resilience is shit . You may have a theory that there is a generation that is lacking in resilience but you don’t get to decide that those with a disability just lack resilience. Just so you’re aware those with any disability have 10 times the normal resilience as doing things others find quite easy and mundane are huge challenges.

He can make friends easily and he doesn’t have uncontrollable meltdowns. DS7 struggles with this, and DH and I also struggled as kids.

I genuinely thought DS4 was NT until he started having sensory issues, and we got him assessed. I’m still boggled by how easily DS4 can just walk into a group of kids and instantly make a friend. It’s like magic. He has social communication difficulties, but they’re apparently right on the threshold for diagnosis.

I know I’m extremely lucky to have two DCs who can use mouth words confidently. It does make things much easier.

DS7 also has to be in complete control. I let him whenever I can - I give him all the responsibility he can handle - and try to talk with him as a small adult the rest of the time. Again, I’m fortunate that I can do that and it (seems to) work.

No one is suggesting everyone’s experience of autism is the same. Parenting, in general, is hard, no one has all the answers, and managing disabilities adds extra complexity :)

My daughter didn’t have uncontrollable meltdowns however she has been the most impacted and has spent a lot of time in hospital the past few years. She masks hugely. I’m sure the previous poster would think she was exploiting and trying to get out of things. Very few people know what’s in her head, even well trained professionals so I’d love to know how a teacher who would know her the lest well would think they were qualified to dictate.

You may not even reach diagnosis level for your “autisms”.

This didn’t stop you self diagnosing before you had an autism assessment and a formal diagnosis. I don’t agree with self diagnosis but clearly you do so it shouldn’t be one rule for you and another for others.

Hi OP. Your childhood experiences very closely mirror my own. Like you I grew into myself in my early to mid twenties and a lot of the autistic traits I displayed as a child are largely gone. But I’ve always wondered if I am autistic. Previous partners have suggested as much, and I’m often told I’m very hard to read (ie with facial expressions), but I’m just not sure.

Would you consider getting a diagnosis?

How does a diagnosis bring stigma- please elaborate? A diagnosis is strictly personal and private. Nobody be is under any obligation to disclose…

Leads to social isolation. How? If others isolate people because they are autistic that is pretty dreadful and it needs to be stopped. Is it ok to isolate others with more visible disabilities?

Lower expectations. Never seen that. How does that work? Please elaborate.

@B33sandTr33s, have you read my previous posts?

I can see quite easily how this can happen within an educational setting at the very least.

It happens because of prejudice and misunderstandings over what autism means. It happens because people stop treating people with autism as individuals with individual strengths and weaknesses. It happens because SEND funding is not ring fenced and there is a lack of accountability over how money is spent and resources utilised. It happens because people will capitalise on other's disabilities, for funding, for research purposes and to further their own employment potential/ careers.

It's not an accident that most terms for disabilities have a shelf life and have to be changed because they become words which are used in a derogatory fashion, to insult and shame others.

You are deliberately misquoting me to discredit my opinions. I didn’t say autistic people lack resilience. If you came to work with me for a day, it would open your eyes. I realise, looking back at your posts on this thread, that you have had a very difficult time with your own children and autism. However, that absolutely does not give you the right to throw accessions around or bully people into submission. You seem utterly clueless. I’ve seen students given in class support and concessions left, right and centre. This hasn’t always levelled up the playing field. In fact, I’ve watched as students have stopped trying at all and have begun to lean on their support so much that they become deskilled abd unable to cope with situations that they once could. Now, on the other hand I’ve seen students unable to access the curriculum at all, who have then received support and they have flourished. My point is, it’s not one size fits all. Don’t project your own experiences and ‘truth’ onto others. It’s not fair and it’s incredibly prejudiced. Maybe you should put your passion and effort into improving the lives of people with disabilities instead of trying to mute anyone with an opinion that differs from your own.

“I’ve seen students given in class support and concessions left, right and centre. This hasn’t always levelled up the playing field. In fact, I’ve watched as students have stopped trying at all and have begun to lean on their support so much that they become deskilled and unable to cope with situations that they once could.”

Without an EHCP? It’s common knowledge SEN funding is in its knees and most children with SEN get next to nothing?

Maybe you should stop trying to accuse teenagers with a disability of “using it to try and get out of anything uncomfortable.” You are not the person with the disability and have no right to decide what is “slightly uncomfortable”

And the idea that youngsters with a disability shouldn’t get concessions or reasonable adjustments is just shit. What do you suggest they do- just get on with it. It isn’t a level playing field, reasonable adjustments are needed.

You can have traits that autistic people have without being diagnosed autistic. The traits you listed are also traits of ADHD and traits of CPTSD.
It's also about age appropriateness, it's typical for a young child to not distinguish between fantasy and reality and for teenagers to be socially awkward in some situations.
More goes into assessment than identifying a few traits that are typical autistic traits. If it was that straight forward people wouldn't need extensive training to assess and we wouldn't have such long waiting lists for assessments.

Misquoting me again. Remember my post about ‘reasonable’ adjustments. I make adjustments for my learners every day regardless of diagnosis or EHCP. It’s a balancing act, trying to foster independence and growth whilst making adjustments and concessions to help make things accessible. It’s not black and white. I never said they shouldn’t get reasonable adjustments or concessions. The ultimate aim is to produce happy, well adjusted individuals able to cope with life. Sometimes young people need guiding to make that happen, whilst also respecting their wishes and needs.

Are you seriously saying how does a diagnosis bring stigma if you haven't come across this as an adult you are truly blessed. You need to stop talking for everyone with disabilities our experiences are not the same as yours.

Your language indicates how much you begrudge concessions( reasonable adjustments). It’s not up to you to decide though what is necessary. If you have a diagnosis it’s down to the young person with the diagnosis to decide.

Re stigma I meant within a school setting that is allowed to go unchallenged.

The poster was using stigma as a reason not to get a diagnosis. Stigma is shit but it shouldn’t happen within a school, it is a shit setting if it is. It can be challenged if it does happen.

And also I simply asked the poster to elaborate by what she meant. As an adult you don’t need to tell anybody and as a child a setting should have had enough training not to stigmatise autistic children. It can be challenged in a school setting too.

My primary school child has social communication difficulties and has been given support and concesssions in the classroom without a diagnosis and without an EHCP. They have helped him to develop the social and emotional regulation skills he finds difficult to master on his own. Perhaps we got lucky but perhaps it's not as clear cut as you're saying.

Sadly I think this is becoming more rare hence the wide reporting of the increase in number of EHCPs being applied for.

@B33sandTr33s

The poster was using stigma as a reason not to get a diagnosis. Stigma is shit but it shouldn’t happen within a school, it is a shit setting if it is. It can be challenged if it does happen.

If someone hasn't got a diagnosis of autism no one can definitely say that person has autism. I, personally, never pursued a diagnosis for my own DC although a couple of teachers suggested autism, the paediatrician (I think it would have been them who referred) we saw never did, neither did any of the other professionals. The paediatrician actually discharged my DC.

My child was still treated as if they did have autism (using the same teaching strategies and programmes the school used for autistic children) by some school staff. They were taught in a group with all the other children with SENs although all these children had very different and competing needs (I knew what went on because I volunteered in the school regularly.) The 1 to 1, fully funded by my child's individual funding, was utilised supporting a group of 8 children. This was not catering to my DC's actual needs. Just the needs assumed. The focus was to actively look for problems (I requested the school file) when it should have been to build upon strengths and capitalise on my child's personal interests to encourage focus and motivation.

So my DC is not autistic, not diagnosed. Would they be diagnosed? Could they have? Well if it were left up to those teachers maybe. But we never saw a need. My DC's attainment came on in leaps and bounds once the funding was ceased. They certainly encountered the stigma of additional needs prior to getting the funded Statement ceased. Maybe the people who don't pursue diagnosis are actually not encountering autism and the issues that entails? We'll never actually know. What we do know is my attitudes regarding progression and overcoming needs differs from your's as my lived experience has been very different.

Why didn't we move schools? I saw similar elsewhere. Plus it is our local school which my DC was entitled to attend. It's part of the local community so it's about more than just the school it's about having a place in the community.

@B33sandTr33s

And I did challenge the stigma in the best way I could. But you have to tread a very careful line because proof of prejudice/corruption is near on impossible.

I tackled the stigma by focussing on showing what my child was capable of learning. And by encouraging my child to learn, to progress. Every homework, every observation for the reports to support reviews.

I feel that was better for my child than pitching myself in a battle against the school. I volunteered. I helped my child. I observed. I reported back.

And I made sure I kept myself up to date with all the codes of practice and funding reform and its rollout. It was when Statements were just being replaced by ECHPs. I read the minutes of the relevant LA meetings, the Parliamentary discussions. It was a lot of work. Thankfully I found the time.

I don’t begrudge making reasonable adjustments. What I don’t agree with though is when they are exploited to the detriment of the learner and their development. Let me give you an example. We have several learners with sensory sensitivities. It may say on a learner’s notes that they may benefit from wearing headphones in class if it is noisy. There are one or two students who absolutely exploit this. These students may insist on listening to their music despite the class being silent. They will put their music on when the teacher is talking. If this was allowed, the student would miss the task being explained and wouldn’t put pen to paper. They would underachieve and fail their qual. Now I doubt many parents would want their child to exploit a concession like that, but that’s what happens. Now, in that instance, what I do is explain to the child why it is important that they remove the headphones or at least mute them for the explanation. I would be failing them if I let them dictate when they were going to listen if not. If the class is noisy fair enough, I would completely understand, but if the class is silent and the student is being obstructive in other ways too, then I will use my discretion accordingly. If my child was trying to exploit a concession in that way to do as they pleased, I would expect their teacher to guide and encourage accordingly. As I said, it’s not black and white.

Re things being and white you were the one who has decided there is a problem with concessions and reasonable adjustments on the basis of your experience of “1 or or 2 students”.

I would like to point out re you saying the treatment of parents not wanting a diagnosis disgusting that it is far far worse for parents and adults wanting a diagnosis. Every week there is a thread saying parents are lining up in the droves causing backlogs in order to avoid blame of bad behaviour, then there is the constant battling with schools and services if you have a child that doesn’t present stereotypically all whilst families are struggling hugely.

Every week there is a thread saying parents are lining up in the droves causing backlogs in order to avoid blame of bad behaviour, then there is the constant battling with schools and services if you have a child that doesn’t present stereotypically all whilst families are struggling hugely.

@B33sandTr33s, you get that too if you don't pursue a diagnosis and your child is struggling/the school is struggling to meet your child's needs.

The only way to avoid some of it to absorb and overcome the struggle. But you still get it when your child is beginning to succeed and overcome their struggles. When I was getting the Statement ceased no one could deny my child's progression and attainment in the end but they were then warning how Secondary transition might cause difficulties. Plus you become somewhat of an adversary pushing for a withdrawal of funds and resource that the schools felt was their's.

Needless to say I didn't heed the warnings and the Statement was ceased. And it turned out to be an entirely positive move.