If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

Plus discussions regarding the sheer availability of information in modern life and how to research and find and trial solutions yourself without having to ask others. That means they feel less invested in the success of the solutions they offered and you feel less obliged to trial their solutions and provide an account of how they went. Hey presto more autonomy.

For those saying OP ‘obviously isn’t autistic then’, what would’ve happened had she been assessed as a teen?

@Finlandia86 You haven't grown out of it, you have got so accustomed to masking that it has become second nature. And yes I am autistic, and yes I have trained myself long and hard (over many decades) to do much the same as what you are now doing. I doubt whether any of my friends would suspect it, although one or two might then understand me a bit better if I told them. Except for SIL - she'd just say I was being ridiculous and of course I'm not autistic.

The mask does slip occasionally though, but at least now I've been diagnosed, I am more comfortable with it and understand why I behave the way I do. So I don't blame myself for being the way I am any more.

Going by her list no diagnosis.

@confusedthirtysomething2 , I hear you. It's why I got my DC's Statement ceased and why I didn't pursue diagnosis. The school were clinging onto the significant individual funding it attracted and utilising the assigned 1 to 1 to support a group of children all with competing needs. They played down my DC's attainment thus distorting any realistic perception of actual needs. I had to keep on top of all the up to date assessment tools in order to ascertain what my DC could actually do. Then give glowing reports detailing how far my dc had come. Then with the subsequent funding reform highlight how they would have to provision map and add in a bit of scaremongering concerning unfunded Statements. Thankfully it worked out ok, got the Statement ceased and they got their tick in the box for good improvement. Didn't they do well?...Compensation I suppose for losing the funding.

Nobody modelled executive functioning skills to me so I’m constantly questioning whether I am ADHD/potentially autistic, or whether there are more external factors at play.

Other times, I’ve sat in my living room, unable to speak or respond to people because my head is screaming. The TV is blaring and the floor is a clusterf*k of toys and visual stimulation. Is that normal? Who knows?
A lot of my symptoms have calmed down though.

@confusedthirtysomething2, I think I would just try to concentrate on one thing at a time. Set an area for the toys and move them there. Ideally not in your eye-line. Say you can't hear people properly and turn the tv down if they are talking to you. If you need to take a deep breath first just go out to the loo.

There are lots of people with similar difficulties vlogging on YouTube and you could look at strategies they use to help with stuff like this.

Is that normal? Who knows?

@confusedthirtysomething2, I do think a lot of mothers feel overwhelmed by similar situations. Lots of people find it difficult to concentrate in loud environments too. So don't feel bad about it. But also if you have got a deficit of the type of skills you need to cope in this type of situation and you do experience sensory overload more easily it will make it more challenging. You might find mindfulness meditation practices helpful. They do show it is possible to improve and develop these skills.

I actually made a promise to myself to highlight every 'gain' no matter how marginal when my DC was small. They really start to add up but if you don't notice them at all then it is difficult to find direction in terms of the next step along.

@confusedthirtysomething2

I do think it’s more common than people realise, but the tricky part is knowing the extent to which it becomes masking or warrants a diagnosis.

That's up to you. There is no obligation, moral or otherwise, to actively pursue an official diagnosis.

I think you can have some of the traits of ASD, without being autistic, and that might be the case for you. It's also the case that you will have people on the milder end, and then of course, looking in from the outside, someone with ASD might get better at coping with it over time.

It's also true that there is a decent chance of misdiagnosis. So we have to balance whether it is worse to diagnose someone who isn't ASD, or worse not to diagnose someone who is. And this leads on to thinking about how you treat people after you've diagnosed them, which provides space for someone who has been misdiagnosed to still grow out of the traits that led to them being diagnosed, without expecting those people who really do have ASD to just grow out of it - which isn't every going to happen.

Bearing in mind that all ASD people are pretty different I think that some flexibility in how you relate to people with an ASD diagnosis is called for, which, well, should be the case in terms of how you relate to anyone, I guess.

I came on here to say somthing similar about learning effective strategies

I was diagnosed with autism a few days ago. I know that if I'd of been diagnosed 30 years ago and received the right support and learnt now to support myself properly, I'd be coping now well too

If OP is autistic I highly doubt she has outgrew her autism, more likely that the older she has got the more she has been able to help herself / not have to do things she doesnt enjoy.

It's a very distinctive category of people. mostly with terrible outcomes. Throwing it in there as STML is a highly unlikely result of a TBI except in the very early stages of recovery. ANyway, as you were.

I think, sometimes, adults writing about their own autism feel they have to emphasise day-to-day difficulties and downplay the possibility of solutions because - otherwise - the naysayers will just go “well, you don’t need any accommodations/support because you’re not REALLY autistic. You can only be autistic if you’re a 12 year old with a mental age of one”. Is that what you mean?

The thing the naysayers don’t realise is the ‘manufacturing tolerances’ of humans is quite small. You don’t need to vary much from ‘factory settings’ before you can be quite disabled in practice. Even if the only issue faced by my two DS was their pathological fear of hand dryers, we’d still need a radar key for public toilets (or to post DS7 on ‘hand dryer guard duty’). Otherwise, we’d never be able to go out - small children need to wee!

Being a grown up who gets a blinding headache if they have to attend a large wedding or spend an hour in a crowded pub is, in fact, disabling. You don’t have to run out the door shrieking and roll about on the pavement outside (as my DS7 does currently with hand dryer noise) for it to be life limiting. However, that doesn’t mean adults with this problem automatically have no social life, either - you learn to stay for the ceremony while congratulating warmly, and meet with friends elsewhere.

No I do t go at all because autism differs hugely. And what you do with your children does not speak for all. Also what I learnt as the parent of children with autism is that as they get more and more older you have less and less influence and their autism varies hugely. Part of my rearing of small autistic children was solution based it added to their Sufism being missed until crisis point and horrendous consequences in the teen years. We as parents are not other heads, what might be a “solution” for us isn’t for them.

And do not tell me that adults with autism downplay solutions. We have done it from birth and are experts in it. . Some parts of our autism however have no solutions and the condition has a massive impact on life.

I’m really glad someone has posted this because I was beginning to think I was the only one questioning whether a diagnosis is always a good thing. I am a teacher with over 20 years of experience of working with a variety of learners, many of whom have autism. I am also currently going through an autism assessment with one of my children after being hen pecked by the school for a while now.

I wanted to give my son the time to develop as I believed many of the traits he had shown could also be down to normal age related development. I really do believe that there are children out there assessed too soon and this can undoubtedly lead to some being misdiagnosed. The assessment, at least from what I can see, is not fool proof. I think the issue with diagnosis is a complex one. It never ceases to amaze me how a condition that is by its very nature a spectrum, can have people pushing for one outcome at all costs, with no consideration for the fact that what works for one isn’t going to work for another.

There are negatives to diagnosis in the same way that there are positives. For some a diagnosis provides the answers they have been looking for and can affect self esteem positively. It can bring support and accessibility arrangements and ensure people achieve their academic And/ or personal potential. For others, the diagnosis brings stigma and leads to further social isolation. There is a tendency for expectations to be lowered for autistic people when they needn’t be. Support can be put in place that hinders autonomy and independence. In short, a diagnosis can lead to people losing trusting in themselves and their development actually slows or halts altogether. I’ve seen this happen countless times. I’ve seen teenagers use the diagnosis to get out of anything slightly uncomfortable.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that both sides of the argument should be respected and acknowledged. I’m so fed up of the one sided narrative re autism and this diagnose at all costs because it is always for the best. For some it is a lifeline, but others it’s really not.

I really wish there was more support, awareness and understanding for children who struggle with this stuff, even if they don't meet a diagnostic threshold. For girls especially, there is a lot of shame attached to autistic traits, and I grew up feeling blamed for my struggles and wanting to cover it all up. @Anonymouseky has described my fears about the idea of being assessed and potentially diagnosed.

I’m reporting your post for the ableism included in it at the end.Also I have several questions re your questionable points.

How does a diagnosis bring stigma- please elaborate? A diagnosis is strictly personal and private. Nobody be is under any obligation to disclose…

Leads to social isolation. How? If others isolate people because they are autistic that is pretty dreadful and it needs to be stopped. Is it ok to isolate others with more visible disabilities?

Lower expectations. Never seen that. How does that work? Please elaborate.

How does support hinder autonomy?Aside from the fact that unless you have an EHCP there is next to no support in education and precious little outside of ecucation. Again please elaborate.

“In short, a diagnosis can lead to people losing trusting in themselves and their development actually slows or halts altogether. I’ve seen this happen countless times. I’ve seen teenagers use the diagnosis to get out of anything slightly uncomfortable.” Just awful ableism. There are disability rights and reasonable adjustments for a reason.So is this how you view reasonable adjustments for visible disabilities?

If I sat here and answered every single one of those questions, I fear it would make absolutely no difference. You are set in your views and unwilling to accept any alternative. That is not how healthy debate occurs. It may surprise you to discover that I also worked in disability rights for many years and will continue to advocate for equality and acceptance for all. You are also making assumptions about me with the ‘ableism’ quote. Open your mind, only then can you truly help people in need of help, but don’t try to profess that you can speak for everyone and everyone’s lived experience. No one has the right to do that.

How does a diagnosis bring stigma- please elaborate? A diagnosis is strictly personal and private. Nobody be is under any obligation to disclose…

It’s not though. It’s in your medical records which potentially affects how you are treated by HCPs (for example, there is evidence that people with a history of anxiety disorders or serious mental health issues have to wait longer for physical health diagnoses). And when children are diagnosed, the privacy is in the hands of the parents, not the patient.

How can you not see how it can be stigmatising? I have ADHD but I struggle to talk about it because the condition carries so much stigma. I also have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder which I am careful to never disclose unless absolutely unavoidable.

Obviously it shouldn’t be stigmatising but this is the world we live in.

If you are not willing to answer my questions that speaks volumes.

I doubt very much that you have ever worked in disability rights. If you had there is no way on earth that you would blame stigma and isolation on the diagnosis of a condition instead of those discriminating against individuals with a disability.

You also wouldn’t say that young people trying to access reasonable adjustments for a diagnosed disability are “trying to get out of anything slightly uncomfortable.” 😱

Do you have the same view re people needing to use wheelchairs and ramps?

I genuinely don’t know what your point is here.

I have an autistic DS7 with an EHCP for school, and another DS4 also with an autism diagnosis.

DS7 is of above-average intelligence and a very strong problem solver. He reminds DH and I strongly of ourselves as kids. We had unspecified ‘issues’ for years at school and, as adults, are not exactly ‘normal’. However, we both have jobs, live independently and so on.

Neither of us have an autism diagnosis. Why would we? To satisfy angry strangers on the internet?

What do you want me to do? Decide that DS7’s autism has no relationship to our ‘autisms’ despite the fact that every issue he has is almost identical to either DH or I? Accept that I shouldn’t help him problem solve around his own condition, as his parents did with great success?

I know everyone’s experience of autism is different. No one is claiming that. But, surely, teaching DCs stuff that worked for you personally is Parenting 101? And, generally, parents expect DCs to have some resemblance to them (unless they have an ‘unexpected’ disability, which this ain’t).

But they’re not you, you’re not in their head and what may have worked for you may not for them. You may not even reach diagnosis level for your “autisms”.Suggesting that all of us with autism need to just develop solutions is not ok or that simple. For many people with autism parts of their diagnosis don’t have solutions.

I promise you, my DS7 is perfectly able to tell me what is in his head and what works - or not - for him. This is what I’m teaching him. To problem solve and to advocate for his own needs. If my advice doesn’t work for him, I’m teaching him to look for something else that might, and to ensure others know what he needs.

Also, given we have two autistic DS in the house, I think we know who in the household crosses the diagnostic threshold. DS4 is the least neurodivergent person in the house, and he’s diagnosed autistic and possibly ADHD.

We know other ‘multiplex’ families (multiple autistic adults and kids, both diagnosed and self-diagnosed) and everyone we know takes a solution-based approach to needs. When most people in the family are diagnosed autistic, or too old to be diagnosed autistic, ‘autism’ advice is interchangeable with general ‘parenting’ advice because there’s no one NT to benchmark against.