If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

Such as and where not talking high level autism as iv said previously if your talking about an individual who will never live independently then absolutely that is where the help and funding should go

I manage much better now, but that's because I've tailored my life to suit me to the greatest extent possible and now that I'm entering middle age I simply don't care what other people think about me. Adults are usually polite enough not to point out my weirdness, so I can carry on being as odd as I like without consequences. None of this was true as a child.

I can also tell the people that I'm likely to click with straight out of the gate (hint: they're probably ND as well) and I don't bother being more than polite to obviously NT people who I know I won't have anything in common with and won't like me. So I don't put myself in disappointing social situations.

I'm old enough to be established and respected at work, so I don't need to 'put myself out there' with NT people anymore and I don't agree to do things that are out of my comfort zone.

But, yeah, I've totally out-grown my ND lol

Strange that the same people who say getting an autism diagnosis is a thorough, intensive, long process that can only be done by professionals are perfectly happy telling somene they do or don't have autism based on a Mumsnet post.

But don't we all do this as we age stop caring what others think and learn that we can so no and not to put ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable

Yes the issue can be lack of understanding the other way too. The ND people in my life often say 'I find that hard' and I'm like so do I, everyone does! I'm not minimising their struggles, just they don't know what element is normal life difficulties and ND difficulties, which is exactly why we all need to listen to each other and understand best we can (although it's impossible to 100% understand).

One of my DS has a tendency not to try things he perceives as difficult, the other gets obsessive and will not stop til he has mastered it. This trait is often the biggest difference between them, as a result DS1's issues are less visible. DS2 likes to cite his autism as the reason for many things, its a fine balance between not minimising his difficulties and not allowing him to become stuck developmentally.

So ND people are neurodivergent beyond expected individual neurodivergence? Maybe society needs to widen the expectations?

Maybe people need to accept people might have challenges that are very different from their own?

A lot of this seems to boil down to whether someone thinks they're right to expect more or differently from someone else. IME you can expect what you like, hope what you like but you also need to be prepared to adapt and adjust to situations yourself when that is the best option. That's not a bad thing - it's empowering.

I thought this too!!

Portraying themselves as 'experts' on the subject too....embarrassing

This.

The more I read, the more I identified with. At 48 I have no desire to get a diagnosis. I've clearly adapted and learnt to cope.

And to adapt in order to help and support others? Yes, if that is the best option. Sometimes it is, sometimes others need to have the opportunity to learn how to adapt themselves. Usually we muddle along in the best way we think how.

Reading this thread it definitely looks like child A and child B can present with identical traits, both get diagnosed with ASD. Then later, child A grows out of them, and child B never does.

So... what are we missing? Are the diagnostic criteria wrong? Or is the idea that you are necessarily autistic for life wrong? I don't know, but it makes me uneasy, and needs more research.

@pancakerobot

So... what are we missing? Are the diagnostic criteria wrong? Or is the idea that you are necessarily autistic for life wrong? I don't know, but it makes me uneasy, and needs more research.

What we are missing is that circumstances, nurture, learning can profoundly affect the way someone copes with any challenges, fears or stresses they might have been affected by at one point in time. Diagnosis is just a snapshot of how someone is - it is not their whole being and cannot encapsulate their potential.

I think this is the crux of the matter. As with transgender we seem to have leapt to a place in a few short years where X diagnosis is the answer for everything, and little investigative work is carried out to explore other causes or treatments. In addition the diagnosis isn’t pathological, it only describes the symptoms rather than the underlying mechanism. And anybody who queries it is labelled a bigot of some variety, and told it was ‘all around you when you were growing up, you just didn’t notice it’. I find it quite gaslighty and it makes me uneasy too. Primarily the concern is for the future lives of these children and young people.

Thank god you said this. I could tick most (all?) of those boxes as a teen and I don’t think I am/ ever was autistic.

Agreed, we need a lot more nuance on this. The notion that autism can neccessarily be "grown out of" for most people is silly and potentially dangerous, but more and more traits are called indicators of autism today(like being quiet, being devoted to your interests, or not being very into small talk). Saying these behaviours must be lifelong and signs of a life-defining diagnosis...I'm not sure if things are going in the right direction, to put it mildly.

Erm, yes, I got lots of help with DS7's toileting - as you would if you can't toilet train your child for two years. It didn't work. He wasn't ready. We had a final go just before he started Previous School, and it took that time. Then, he was excluded from Previous School for hitting people and trashing the classroom. The headteacher told us he needed to see a paediatrician as he was 'seriously disturbed'.

The paediatrician said he was 'probably autistic', but needed a full diagnosis to be sure. We contacted the SENCO at Current School and said "would it help if he had an autism diagnosis when he starts school with you? We'd prefer him not to get excluded again, esp. as he seems pretty smart and it would be a huge shame." The SENCO said, "yes, having a diagnosis would be super helpful". It was three years wait for an NHS full autism assessment. We, and the SENCO, thought that was too long if he was already at risk of exclusion. We paid to speed things up. We were on the NHS waiting list throughout, and - when we got to the top of the waiting list - we showed our private diagnosis to the community paediatrician who took one look at DS7 and said "yes, he's an intelligent boy and, yes, I'm fine with this autism diagnosis you have already got privately from another NHS professional".

We checked whether DS4 was also autistic before he started school because he has worse sensory issues than DS7, can't sit still long enough to eat (he's gauntly thin), and reads books while doing handstands. And, yes, we have spoken to three different professionals now (NHS and private) about how to get DS4 to sit down long enough to eat and how to get him to stay the right way up in a seat [another eye roll].

Generally, if kids have a whole constellation of issues that look autism-like, educators and other professionals prefer to have the words 'autism diagnosis' than a long list of all the individual autistic-like weirdnesses your DC displays.

I avoided any diagnoses for my own dc. I still managed to get significant funding for support.

I didn't really rate all the support they received, however and their achievements came on exponentially once we were able to cease the Statement of Special Educational Needs. I think that is because once funding targeted is in the mix there can be a temptation for schools to want to hold onto it and thus 'manage attainment' accordingly. This creates bias which distorts perceptions of actual needs.

I have discussed all this with my adult DC. They agree with the decisions I made. The flip side of support is always going to be some lack of individual autonomy and independence. Which can be a hard pill to swallow. This is because as some of those people and organisations providing support are looking for ways in which offering support might advantage them in compensation for their efforts. They might want to further their own research for example or in the case of schools get the 'value add' and share what is meant to be targeted resource.

It is the 'same old same old' in terms of potential corruption. Convince someone of a problem then sell the solution. It gets convoluted with potential diagnoses because it is the process and care that gets funded but not by the service user themselves but by the authorities. Unfortunately regulation is difficult when standards keep changing.

To be honest OP, it sounds like you were just a very shy teenager.

Which brings me onto a HUGE bugbear I have with the modern age. Whenever a child is naughty, or shy, or just a late bloomer, rather than accept it for what it is or discipline the child/help them boost confidence, there's this huge need to slap a label and pigeonhole children with a diagnosis of autism, ADHD etc.

Now I'm not judging or dismissing that children with special needs exist of course they do, but I think this pressure to label ordinary behaviours and personality differences as disabilities is harmful and takes away resources from children who really DO have special needs and need special help.

For the record, true neurodiversity is something that can never be outgrown.

So you get responses like this.

And half the others saying it's a proper diagnosable condition, it must have an impact on your life, you must meet criteria, it does NOT just mean a bit nerdy or quirky or cringey teen etc (I am more inclined to agree), you can't grow out of it.

Which is it? Some seem so adamant and tell the rest of us we don't know what we're on about and don't get it. But they often don't agree with each other. So could it be it's not that simple?

You probably wouldnt have fit the diagnosis criteria.
Obviously people change as they grow up, they do grow slightly out of some food issues, into and out of sensory issues etc.

It maybe you were just anxious or shy without other issues.

Whist our school (and others) might pretend not to see a lot of the asd signs in kids. They can be much more severe than your list.

Eg in primary
Threatening to kill themself over very minor issue. Talks about wanting to die.
Having ear defender or being taken out of class due to sound
Not working with other dc in groups preferring to work alone
Refusing to do pe or just wandering around
Never doing any work so eg 1 question in a whole lesson
Not being invited to anyones house or parties (either ever or from ks2)
Exclusions from reception and being sent to other classes
Excluded from extra curricular activities
Working so slowly not finishing work
Only friend(s) also awaiting assessment
Wont tie laces
Hiding under the desk at school
Too anxious to stay over on residentials so parents collecting
Previously safe foods now rejected. Only ever eats 1 food at all restaurants
Fighting with sibling if stuck in a queue (including slapping them, picking them up etc etc)
Used to bite nails down to damaging finger
Or pick at toe nails ending up infected

Secondary
First month picked a hole in arm
Not willing to try going to lunchtime groups
Hiding to get changed for pe
Zero friends made in class
Never starting own homework
Sometimes on go slow with homework so taking 3x as long to do.
Cant start homewoek especial creative work
Now wont read books at all after previously loving them
Eg gave them food used to eat, they refused it, didnt do more than taste it and then,, refused to go to afterschool activity

Its not so much 'everyone is on the spectrum' so much as the basic phrases
Stimming or social issues are vague and yes lots of people perhaps bite nails or arent popular.
But the difference is
Regularity
Having few friends vs 1 or none or never joining in
Anxious vs never going into a new situation unless you can control it, or throwing up certain days of the week or if you have certain teachers

For the record, true neurodiversity is something that can never be outgrown.

@CowboyJoanna, it's ironic that true neurodiversity would include being able to out grow it. Simply because that is divergent from what is normally expected from life long conditions...

Basically we don't know and cannot know because we cannot tell someone's future. We can only guess. Unfortunately/ fortunately (depending upon what those guesses are) this can profoundly affect someone's view of themselves and their own potential.

You shouldn't have to wait 4 years and shouldn't had to have gone private. This is why better education is needed around what is ND and what is just normal quirky child behaviour. This is why I get annoyed because anytime a child does anything out of the realms of "normal" 100 people online especially on here say that sounds like autism they need to be assessed even though the school the drs and the family see no issues. They then get added to a waitlist which gets longer and longer which means children in genuine need don't get the help they need. I don't like it when you see a perfectly health nt child getting on with life and their parents say well their masking so they need a diagnosis all children play up for their mums this isn't masking this is the person they feel most comfortable with. Adults do the same with their partners if a person can mask for the majority of the aspects of their life that's not autism that's normal and what everyone does

It does! I have no help or funding for my autism, neither do 2 of my children. My dd does. She may live on her own eventually but has tried to take her life 3 times and struggles with Anorexia. Are you suggesting she has no help or support because she doesn’t have a learning disability on top of her 3x diagnosis? She absolutely does qualify for her EHCP, PIP and MH treatment btw.