If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

I suppose you could be right. You may have learned to mask, as many people do. My DH was diagnosed at 4 years old. He's obviously very different to who he was then. He had delayed speech as a toddler. The only things that I notice often is his black and white thinking, his anger, his unusual special interests - if you are ignorant to ASD you might not spot them.

A lot of what you have mentioned has got me thinking though - I did a lot of those as a child! I was assessed myself as a teen and they decided I wasn't🤔

Tend to agree with this. Perhaps it's possible to find strategies to cope with situations that were once challenging. My sister, very shy, has found ways of coping with social situations. She learned to ask the right questions to break the ice. No diagnosis as she's 70. I would probably have been diagnosed with dyslexia but just grew up knowing spelling was difficult for me and still is. At work I learned to use the words I could spell reliably and correctly (no computers till much later). There are some things that are easier with maturity. I do appreciate this is a terrible generalisation and not universally applicable.

I don’t think that, when considering how complex and adaptive the human brain is, and how it is still relatively poorly understood, it’s ever particularly wise to stick to absolutes or current dogma.

Interestingly, it is believed that people can ‘outgrow’ untreatable personality disorders. There’s a theory that some are developmental delays, and that it is possible for some of those afflicted to ‘catch up’. I don’t think the possibility that autism can be ‘outgrown’ should be discounted.

There has already been research on this, actually:

https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/news/20231011/toddlers-with-autism-outgrow-disorder-study

and this is interesting:

https://health.ucdavis.edu/news/headlines/autism-characteristics-can-change-significantly-from-ages-3-to-11/2022/04

@FiammaPamela

The correlation amongst gender questioning females is fairly high, according to some fairly robust research.

@Finlandia86 your post really resonated with me. Ds was diagnosed at 3 and was very typical of early childhood autism. He suddenly improved around 5 and for the next few years his issues began to disappear but he had some adhd issues. By 10 he was not having any supports at his mainstream school for either issues. He was diagnosed then for ADHD but didn't take medication, he managed himself with sensory exercises. Now mid teens, we don't see autism, the school don't give him any support as he doesn't want it and he lives a very normal life. He is confident, outgoing and popular, loves sports and an A student. He can be impulsive or rude at home, I'm not going to lie he is a difficult kid to live with and we still have a lot of behaviour issues going on but these are at home only. Few people know about his diagnosis as he doesn't like to talk about it but those that know are absolutely gobsmacked by it.

Really interesting thread OP. I guess it might be interesting to hear your motivations and life style.

There's not a huge amount to go on! but why do you shower daily? Do you ever skip a day? Ever not bother at weekends? Is it a rigid routine that you wouldn't want to have disrupted? Why daily and not every other day for example?

It sounds like you have a successful career, do you work full time? How much time after work do you spend socialising? Do you enjoy socialising in large groups? Do you drink when you socialise? Do you always socialise with the same group, would you happily go out with a group of people you only just met? Are the people you mix with NT?

It's interesting IMO to try to see if you've made life work for you as an autistic person without even really realising, or if learning and maturing has changed you enough that you'd no longer qualify. Emotionally people with Asperger's syndrome can be 3 years behind (think I read that from Tony Attwood) and at 18 that is a huge difference, but once you get past 25 I don't see why it wouldn't be possible to catch up.

I've got skin in the game so it's particularly interesting to me, great that you've had a good life.

I understand why you wrote this post. You admitted straight away that you don’t know a great deal about it and were curious for more information and the experiences of others. I understand how difficult it is being the parent of a child with severe ASD and the arduous processes involved in getting the help he needs and deserves. But I didn’t find your post in the least offensive bc of the tone in which it was written.

You weren’t telling ppl how it is or preaching random rubbish, it was genuine curiosity and the sharing of your own personal experience. Ppl tend to lash out when they are unhappy, and living with someone who has mild-severe autism can be exhausting, isolating and extremely difficult. Not many ppl understand the magnitude of emotions and the energy it takes to deal with day-to-day stuff, let alone all the serious admin that goes with it. I could list so much stuff but I’m not going to. Suffice to say it’s easy to go on the defensive which can turn into the attack when you’re in this position because so many ppl don’t understand and make judgements which are mostly negative, it becomes automatic. I didn’t get a negative or judgemental vibe from your post though.

Some ppl may have felt you were minimising or belittling the condition but there are so many aspects to it, as a friend of mine who has it says: ‘if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met ONE person with autism’. It’s something that is continuously being studied bc of its sheer complexity.

Please don’t feel bad for posting. You had something you wanted to discuss in order to broaden your understanding of yourself today and your childhood. You’ve handled the severe, negative blowback with grace and humility and been nothing but polite. You didn’t set out to offend anyone and you have as much right to post on here as anybody else. Maybe stop reading the comments, or at least read them with what I’ve said in mind and don’t take them personally.

Thank you again for sharing your own experience and ideas x

That's very typical though of a child masking outside the home and then all the bad behaviour coming out at home in their safe space. Absolutely text book.

You have never been diagnosed, correct? It’s hard to say given that there’s no real proof that you have ever been neurodivergent. In terms of likelihood, it sounds as though you are likely ND, and have simply learned to adapt and change and look after your mental health along with it. It could also be that you took longer to develop social and emotional skills and are not ND.

I’d say I’m similar in many ways, though I did not have the same presentation as you as a child, but I’ve certainly learnt better coping mechanism, boundaries and ways of better expressing myself as you clearly have.

It is possible for people with diagnosed ND conditions to develop and change and adapt. These people can and do find ways to “fit in” to the NT world. This is not necessarily a long term, sustainable method. It can be exhausting and lead to burn out. That said, I am sure some people do “manage” but life is for living, not just managing or coping to get by.

I identify with all of that and have wondered if I’m autistic but have just become very good at masking, or if it was all in the realms of normal for a child/teenager. It’s not something I’ve ever felt comfortable asking someone so I’m glad you’ve brought it up.

I remember struggling with clothing and crying and crying because something was itchy or too tight. But then I think, my mum was not attentive to my needs at all growing up so I often ended up with too-small and cheap clothes in which case it was to be expected?

I remember being about 7 and a friend ringing the house. I quite rudely asked her why she was ringing and got told off but didn’t understand why. In hindsight I wonder if I just wasn’t used to being on the phone.

I was very socially awkward but then I had almost no social skills because I spent most of my childhood alone. My parents and sibling didn’t really interact with me. There was no ‘family time’, board games or anything like that and my parents never had people round so I didn’t know how to have a conversation. This could also explain why I got obsessed with TV shows because I needed a fantasy in which to escape. I was so bored.

I got fixated on teachers but now I think it was more about needing a parental figure. My mum never took any interest in me and praise was very hard to come by from my dad so any kind of encouragement from a teacher was really significant for me and stirred confusing feelings.

I felt totally alien around other children but again, I reckon this could be explained by the dynamic in my family home. I wasn’t allowed to act like a child. My dad disliked ‘babyish’ behaviour so I didn’t really know how to play. I felt other children were very immature.

I did the sensory seeking behaviours constantly and still do. I now have a diagnosis of ADHD though which could explain it, as well as being bored out of my mind as a child.

So overall I think I’m probably not autistic, I think it was to do with the environment in which I was brought up.

It's still their (professional) opinion though, not fact - based on the evidence they are given and what they see (which might be masking.
It's not unusual for children to not get turned down for assessment or told they don't have it and then go on to get a diagnosis later. It's not unusual for women to be diagnosed as having BPD or bipolar disorder and later it turns out they've been wrongly diagnosed and are autistic.

Professionals are still making a judgment call based on the evidence they have, this might not be complete (as parents might not recognise all the traits), might be inaccurate (from teachers for example if the child masks at school) or the child might mask and/or not really cooperate at the assessment.

One of my dc toe walked/unusual gait and autism was queried as they were non verbal.

Turned out to be a language disorder that is far more common than autism. They've long since grown out of the toe walking, their gait is normal as is their speech but some professionals were so quick to label it as autism I do wonder if others are being misdiagnosed.

I was diagnosed late, and although it didn’t feel it at the time, it was kind of a blessing. Because I had no choice but to get on with it.
The absolute worst thing that could have happened for me was for people to adapt things to suit me, or to protect me or not force me to get out there and learn how to interact with the world.
Honestly I think I’d have just gone into my shell and faded away. Or been angry at the world and its lack of understanding.

The long and short of it is that life is fast paced and geared to NT people. Changes to that are not going to come around fast, or in full. I had to hop on the train or get off the tracks. Getting off the tracks was not an option given to me by my parents, and I am so grateful for that.

DH (diagnosed as an adult) says the same.
If he'd been allowed to use it as an excuse and shielded from the world he wouldn't have developed the satisfying career and life that he has.

maybe you weren't autistic but came from a background of trauma or upset that you grew out of or learned to deal with? I understand some of the symptoms can present in similar ways. For example, a traumatised child will often avoid eye contact, and can have social issues. (By the way I am NOT suggesting autistic people are traumatised). But as someone with a background of childhood trauma it has struck me how many behaviours are commonly attributed to autism / spectrum (by non-professionals) that could simply be indicators of trauma or trying to cope with a difficult background (growing up in an abusive household or parental divorce, difficult event in childhood?).

@BusMumsHoliday I’m autistic and I’m like your DH! Thank you for mentioning this.

If I’m going to meet very close friends, I run through the topics I might discuss and just generally prepare for a social interaction. I have conversations ready in my brain that I’ve rehearsed. Of course, I also do all the usual things like reminding myself not to talk to much, or to talk over someone if I want to make a related point, or to interject. I have ADHD as well as being autistic and I don’t ever mean to be rude, my passion bubbles over and it’s not ok.

I thought it was something everyone did. I thought everyone prepped for any kind of social interaction but recently I’ve discovered this isn’t the case. Apparently people can arrange to meet friends etc for coffee without collecting ideas in their head and preparing a script. Mind-blowing!!

Like your DH, I’m far less intimidated by formal situations where conversation rules are far more explicit and expectations clear. Appointments with a doctor, interviews etc I know what to expect. A catchup with a very close friend however can put me in a tailspin!!

I think this is an excellent example of NT people not quite understanding what we mean and how misconceptions that “we all have those problems” arise. The PP who referred to scripting and prepping for “unusual” conversations didn’t really understand that’s not what it’s like. We have to script for any social interaction, and we do this automatically because it’s how we function. It’s not just “unusual” interactions - it’s all social interactions. And that includes not just providing ourselves with a script to use, but reminding ourselves of the social rules each and every time because we know otherwise we’ll massively fuck up.

Thank you, I have a similar point of view(diagnosed myself)❤

I think this is an interesting op and it resonated with me to some extent as a person who was all you describe and more as a teen, then fell into a hideous pit of mental illness as a young adult trying to function in a world that seemed alien to me.

I have an autistic dd whose problems with social interaction and anxiety are even worse than mine were and I can't imagine that she will ever 'grow out'of it.

But in my case, I found things 1000% easier once I was in a stable life situation and I was slowly, very slowly, able to drop the exhausting attempts at masking. Could something similar be true for you, op? Then, once my dc were born they became a healthy outlet for some of my hyper focus and my determination to be a good mother overcame my anxious self obsession.

I now enjoy a certain level of social interaction, having realised most people aren't bullies or about to take the piss out of me behind my back or to my face.

Tl;dr, I think it's life that changes, not autism.

Ah but i tell my daughter (diagnosed at 11) that "your diagnosis isn't an excuse"

What the diagnosis helped was extra transition days to secondary school, an emotional skills workshop series and being allowed fidget toys and ear defenders on large crowds (like sports day)

She has friends, works well above on her school report and i have no doubt she will lead a happy life - however, when overwhelmed and oversocialised she shuts down, she saves it until home and meltdowns and some things she just can't grasp in terms of 'social rules'

In my case - ADHD - I am successful have a good job, look like I cope well in life but what people don't see is the overwhelm to make a decision, the extreme shaming procrastination, she series of 5 alarms on the phone in order not to be late or miss appointments and events.

You learn to cope, but doesn't mean the difficulties aren't there...

And @Finlandia86 well done you at nearly 40, but just be aware that when peri/menopause hits it all comes crashing down again, like your coping mechanisms vanish

I haven't read all the responses, so apologies if this has already been suggested. I am wondering OP whether your environment has changed, which has meant that the aspects that were challenging in childhood are no longer so? E.g. social difficulties are common when you are making new friends, but in mid-life you often have established friend groups (the effort needed differs).

The traits in autism are not specific to autism, they're behaviours found across the population. What makes them relevant in autism is the lifelong duration, impact and range.

For example, being fixated on, say, Harry Potter, as a teen isn't unusual and alone is just a fixation. Being fixated on a series of things from a young age, through adulthood, and those fixations causing issues in your daily life, e.g., something in your immediate environment is 'wrong' and that prevents you focusing on your work, then it very much becomes a problem and, with other traits, may be a factor to consider as part of assessment.

Having one or two traits at one time or another and then learning to manage them, which is what many people seem do, doesn't mean you had autism. Having those traits for a lifetime and being unable to manage them to the degree needed to cope reliably in daily life (whatever other people may see or assume about you), is where you head into assessment territory and it doesn't sound like that's you @Finlandia86

A diagnosis isn’t an ‘excuse’ but it’s good to remember that often ND people have to work twice as hard, especially in social situations to get by.

I came across the idea of 'Broader Autism Phenotype' a while ago which I don't think is used in the UK but I found interesting as a concept. I have a DD with an autism diagnosis, she has moderate support needs (middle rate DLA, SEMH support in school) but might not appear so because she's highly intelligent. Neither DH nor I have the level of challenge/need she has but we both have some challenges. I definitely have sensory processing issues for example and have had since childhood. I don't have any close friends but I do have some people I see occasionally, and a husband. I enjoyed school and work (STEM career) but I know there are lots of jobs I couldn't do for sensory reasons. I would never say I'm autistic without a formal diagnosis but I am curious about my brain and others like me and what it means to have these traits but also function reasonably well in society.

The OP's experience resonates with me too. I am by no means an expert but makes some sense to me that in the social disability model in which diagnosis is in part the result of impaired social interaction, the diagnosis would no longer apply once individuals in adulthood have agency over their own lives to handle social interactions on their own terms.