To feel so much regret about never having had this?

[KitesAndShoelaces]

I’ve never had a proper relationship longer than four years. Nothing where I have built a life I can look back on and talk about things we have done and created. I have one daughter now, accidental in a short term relationship. I obviously love her huge amounts. But it’s made me realise that now I am almost certainly never going to have that family unit I always wanted so badly.

It really does feel like everyone I know or know of has experienced a proper loving relationship at some point. But it’s never happened for me. I don’t know why? I have all I need in life and I am content in other ways, just feel desperately sad that for some reason I haven’t ever had that love. Just someone making me a tea in the morning. Or planning Christmas together. Booing a holiday. I’ve had chances to settle down and probably made mistakes along the way and let good people go. And now it feels too late.

How old is your daughter? Maybe right not isn't the right season for this but I don't see why you can't have this in the future. I know people who met their partners (after failed marriages) in their 50s and are very happy.

How old are you and how old is your daughter?

cliche but families come in different shapes and sizes

@qwertyasdfgzxcv she’s 4. I’m 39 soon to be 40.

I know it’s possible to meet someone later in life. But it’s not the same as building a life together. Having a child together. Growing up together. I wish I could go back in time.

Unfortunately if you’ve ‘let good people go’ then it’s difficult to have much sympathy; people have tried to love and build with you, but you’ve rejected them for whatever reason.

However, it’s definitely not too late to date with intention and reevaluate what qualities you value. Maybe this time round you won’t dismiss the good guys.

never say never.... i met my happy ever after at the grand old age of 46! Admittedly we didn't have children together, but we have everything else

It couldn't be farther than the truth to say that almost everyone has had a great relationship. If that was true, divorce rates would be a lot lower.
Some people do get lucky. Many of the people you know are probably either concealing how unhappy they really are in their relationships, or they will be unhappy at some future point. Lots of people are relatively happy for years before things start to go bad.
There's no point in bemoaning your bad luck with relationships though. Just fill your life with other things. A relationship isn't necessary in order to be happy. I do understand how you feel though. It sucks.

Just because someone is a “good” guy, doesn’t mean they’re good for you. You can both be good people but fundamentally incompatible.

Many people settle for a “good man” and end up bored senseless. If the OP let them go, something obviously wasn’t right in the relationship and she did the right thing.

I agree that you need to date with intention, it’s not too late. Yes you might not get to have started a family with a future partner, but you can still build a life together.

I know what you mean, but increasingly I think only quite a small number of people manage to have a truly happy and good relationship from their twenties or early thirties through child rearing and onwards to old age.

however that doesn’t stop me feeling sad that I won’t have that now, as I’m divorced with DC. it won’t ever quite be the same as building a family together and sharing children. So I do understand. Although in your case it’s not out of the question that you will still build that with someone.

eye roll

A lot of people don't have what you're describing OP. Even when they are in a long term relationship. It's very often the case that women are planning things like Christmas and holidays pretty much on their own with a man just there breathing in and out and filling a gap on the sofa. Also 50% of the relationships that started full of plans and promise end up not going the distance with people of your age in exactly your position with a lot of bitterness misery and baggage to carry. The point is, the grass is only ever green in patches. Parts of the lawn will be dry and yellow compared to parts of your own, so you live the life you have the best you can. Be present and future focused rather than mourning a fantasy past. You can have plans and dreams whatever age you are with or without a partner.

I think society has a lot to answer for, that we think a life lived “as a pair” is the only valid way.

You have a daughter- that’s a wonderful thing. You will have memories together. You will have a wonderful close bond, just the two of you.

To my mind, the worst thing you could do is to compromise that by trying to create a “family unit”. Whatever happens, your life won’t be that traditional tale of girl meets boy, marries, has kids together and lives happily ever after. But actually that tale is a lie for a lot of people.

What you do have is marvellous and precious. You are your dd’s whole world. Value that. Bringing a man into her life and home will likely not improve it for her, bringing siblings whose father lives with you, whilst hers doesn’t, can bring complications and resentment. I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, but even if you do meet someone, it’s not that traditional narrative, which is often a false one.

Thank you for kind posts. I do try and remember that life is never perfect for anyone. I think I’m just sad I can’t share things I’ve worked for, share food I’ve cooked or just watch a tv show with someone. Dd is wonderful and I’m so grateful. There’s something different with adult company though, it’s the support and conversation I really feel sad I don’t have.

@KitesAndShoelaces it won't be long before your daughter is older, and you'll perhaps start to think of her more as a friend. My daughter is a teenager, great company, and we love watching TV together (when she's not on her phone!)

I do understand this, but as others have said there are a LOT of us in long term relationships / marriages who feel the same. And as people say sometimes feeling like that despite someone else being sat on the sofa next to you is lonelier than having no one

OP, take it from me that there will be relationships for you further down the line.

Your daughter is 4 and at this age they take up all your time and energy.
Not a great idea to introduce her to any "random" bloke now anyway.

I'm a solo mum to an adult son and have had relationships since divorcing my abusive husband when he was 6 months old.

Yes, it's a hard slog being a solo parent but you never know what the future will bring.
Meanwhile, build the best life you can for the both of you.

I do understand how you feel OP. I'm 41 and in exactly the same position except I don't have children so I have missed out on that and a proper relationship. I feel really sad about all the experiences I will never have or be able to share with someone.

Hi OP! You are still so young! No you can't have a relationship that lasts from your twenties to 80s now, but you could have a wonderful one that lasts from 40 to your 80s or beyond! And even if you don't, you absolutely could have many of the things you mention - these aren't dependent on having a very long spanning relationship: making tea in the morning, planning christmas, booking holidays etc. All those things can be in your future! I am not minimising your hurt now and I have felt the same at times - but you absolutely can have these things still. (And a lot of those relationships you are looking at won't last...there are also folk who have been with the same person since their 20s who feel they have missed out so there isn't one 'ideal' solution). If you feel you have pushed people away, maybe explore that so you feel in a good place when a great person (for you) comes along :)

I think a 4 year relationship sounds pretty long, I know a good few people that haven't had that.

39 isn't old in the grand scheme of things, you very possibly can find a long term partner if that's what you want.

Do you have any close platonic friends that you can have that adult conversation with? I know that's really hard to find with a young child I am really struggling myself to make friends.