To give any weight to a gut feeling

[DrinksAndDinner]

I’ll start by saying that I was cheated on in a past relationship so have had to do a lot of work on trust issues and this may colour my view.

For around a year I’ve had a niggling feeling that DH is keeping something from me. I’ve struggled to put my finger on it, so I wanted to write it out to see if it makes any sense at all and to get some opinions.

A few years ago I found out DH had been texting a woman from work. He swore blind he’d never messaged her outside of the work text group but I found out that wasn’t true. He showed me the private messages and they were innocent and mainly work related. There was another occasion where I found out he’d been secretly smoking and vaping at work. He’d quit because we were TTC. These are the only two times he’s been dishonest with me in the last 5/6 years (that I’m aware of) and he was very apologetic. However I just have a feeling that something isn’t right.

We’ve only been intimate three times in the last four months and each time I’ve been the one to initiate it. When I’ve spoken to him about it he says he tries but I’m not responsive which I don't think is true. Then he says he doesn’t know if he should try or not because I’m pregnant and often have bad symptoms which is true. However, before I was pregnant his excuse was due to us ‘being too tired’ with work and a young child. It seems like he isn’t interested. I know there’s an untrue stereotype about men wanting it more but I know him as a person who would happily instigate it several times a week.

He is glued to his phone. He won’t go to the toilet or to shower or even to get a glass of water without it. I’ve mentioned it to him a couple of times and he says he just likes to have it with him. This evening he went to run a bath for our child then quickly came back downstairs looking for his phone. I said “can’t forget your phone.” And he launched into a speech about how he often doesn’t have it with him and it had been on the side for this evening for 2 hours and he had left it at home the other day to walk the dog. The side was literally right next to him and I don’t know about the dog walk as I was at work, so I guess it could be true.

The other day I mentioned the Pornhub investigation. I was quite passionate about it because it relates to some of the work I do with vulnerable victims and he kind of brushed off what I was saying and got awkward. We had a discussion early on about how I felt about porn because I’ve seen past the curtain and couldn’t be with someone who enabled the abuse that went on behind the scenes. He’s always been anti-porn but now I wonder if he just said that because it was a deal breaker for me.

I let my worry get the best of me two days ago and tried to log into his laptop. It’s a really old laptop that I haven’t seen him use for at least six months but when I tried to log on, I realised he’d changed the password. Today, he came home from work and randomly got his laptop out and started charging it. He gave some strange excuse about forgetting he had a laptop, although I hadn’t said a word about it. The timing is quite interesting and I wonder if he’s set up an alert so a wrong password input goes to his phone. My laptop can technically do that but I don’t even have a password on mine.

Every evening he walks the dog and he’s funny about the timing. The other day we had a bit of time and I said why didn’t he walk the dog then so he didn’t have to rush out after dinner. A couple of times I’ve called him when he’s been out walking the dog and his phone’s gone straight to voicemail with him calling me back a few minutes later. On these occasions I’ve asked who he’s been on the phone to and he’s said nobody and he doesn’t know why his phone went to voicemail. I haven’t asked in an accusatory way, just genuinely interested as we’d been waiting for some news from his family, etc. It was his response that made me feel odd.

Anyway, I just feel uncomfortable. It could be nothing. It could be porn. Worst case it’s another woman. I could be a bit over sensitive due to pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know. I wish I could just shake the feeling.

YANBU - it sounds like suspicious behaviour
YABU - his behaviour is odd and there may be more to it

Sorry it sounds suspiciously like there could be someone else.

I don’t think this is a gut feeling - you have reasons . That’s quite a lot of different things going on . The main thing for me would be the laptop - you don’t forget you have a laptop.

The only way here is trying to look in his phone- which isn’t going to be easy and isn’t really the right thing to do - or try to talk to him x

Bug the car with a cheap amazon recorder. Get one that you can leave in there for a month. It will pick up car phone calls

The "I left my phone at home the other day when I walked the dog!!" when you were at work and not in the house...was a nice try.

I would be wanting to get my hands on the phone given his behaviour surrounding it.

This isn't a gut feeling, you've observed a change in behaviour in someone who is a dishonest cheat and you're naturally suspicious.

There’s no such thing as a “gut feeling”. What we call a gut feeling is an accumulation of tiny clues.

Women's intuition is a thing ime.
Don't ignore it.

I think it sounds like a pattern that could indicate cheating, sorry. It certainly doesn’t sound like you’re being overly suspicious about non-issues.

Lots of people will say if you’re that suspicious just end it but I’d have to find out for sure. And I did find out for sure when it was my ex in similar circumstances, I was also pregnant. I ended up looking on his work pc in his home office and there wasn’t much info (they must have mostly communicated via phone) but there was enough to confirm who it was etc.

Could you just ask him point blank to look at his phone there and then? You could be really honest and say you've been feeling insecure, and you could even apologise if you feel that reflects badly on you/the relationship/how you view him. Maybe tell him you can't shake the feeling and ask if he'll indulge you by handing his phone over, and see what his response is. I think that would tell you a lot, but it does open the door to a potential argument, or for him to hide it if there is something going on.

I am tired but I’m pretty sure both your poll options are the same thing.
None of this would concern me at all. You don’t trust him clearly. So maybe you’re right. I’d be pretty irritable if I was being mothered like that though.. telling off for vaping or porn, taking my phone to the bathroom or not answering a call straight away. Some of those might not be great things to do but the it sounds so controlling. We don’t own each other.

Does he work away from home? Work late? Go on nights out with friends? Have a hobby outside the house?
It can only be a work affair if he is seeing someone else how do people manage it?
I would have him followed, it sounds like he's covering his tracks pretty well but if he's up to no good something will slip eventually.

She said nothing about him not answering his phone right away. She said he will only walk the dog at a specific time and if she happens to call him during these times his phone will go straight to voicemail yet he insists he wasn't talking to anyone.

Perhaps she has never cared what he does with his phone but has recently noticed it now goes everywhere with him which would be an odd change of behaviour. Just like changing a laptop password so your partner can no longer access it.

These are all things that a lot of people, whether they have trust issues or not, would question.

He's 100% upto something. A lot of people have their phones on them most of the time, but not glued to their hand. Ask him to see the phone? Say you're feeling like he's being secretive.
I can't imagine someone using porn during a dog walk. So I'm afraid it's more likely he's talking to someone. So emotional affair looks likely.

Sorry I didn’t come back sooner. We ended up having a big conversation last night. He understood where I was coming from and was quite upset. He did give me the option to go through his phone but I just felt it was a line once crossed I couldn’t come back from. I do feel better having talked it through and he told me some things I didn’t know. Nothing secretive just some things about himself that I hadn’t realised.