Struggling with guilt with newborn baby

[Noughtiesandcrosses]

Wondering if anyone else has not really felt like a parent after having a baby and if anyone has felt they don’t deserve help?

First of all DD who is 10 weeks was born by C-section, I am struggling so much with this because I felt I didn’t put in any work to deliver her. It wasn’t my decision as she had stopped growing at 34 weeks. This wasn’t picked up until 40 weeks when they then had to deliver her quite fast.

Because of the caesarean happening unexpectedly I hadn’t expressed any colostrum and when she was born she was too small/weak to latch properly and had very low sugars meaning I had to formula feed right away. We had problems with tongue tie and the fact she was so small and sleepy meaning I wasn’t able to BF at all and only FF and express. Again I feel a lot of guilt around this.

I’ve had mastitis three times since expressing so now only FF as one time made me so unwell my supply was impacted. So this is another fail! Despite all of this my baby is very good, she is mostly calm and happy (although with a few usual crying episodes each day!) and has slept through since 6 weeks old. She only really struggled with feeds which can be stressful as she has reflux and doesn’t like bottles.

My AIBU is, because she’s quite easy atm and I don’t feel like I’ve had any normal struggles eg breastfeeding and labour I feel like a huge fraud. I go to lots of parenting groups and think everyone is thinking I’ve taken the easy way out at every chance. I also feel guilty asking for any help from my DH as I think he’s wondering why I need it as we get a fair amount of sleep! I still struggle with entertaining her all day and relentlessness of bottles, nappies and crying but I get the feeling DH can’t understand why I need a break sometimes.

AIBU to feel like this? Or should I just get a grip and accept I’ve taken the easy way out?

Have you asked for a birth debrief? It might help to go through your notes with a medical professional. I had my children vaginally and breastfed, and have absolutely had an easier time of it than you so in no way should you think of yourself as a fraud! You grew a baby, you've made difficult decisions to keep your baby safe and she's happy and content. Well done!

I mean this gently, but in what world is a major operation 'the easy way out'?. Every birth has its challenges, some less so than others, but I really don't think c sections are a walk in the park at all. You should get a grip and be delighted you have your baby safe and healthy with you now. You're probably still in shock a bit, the early days are a whirlwind.

I also think it's worth speaking to your GP about possible PND x

You sound like your doing amazing things for your baby. Safe, loved, fed.

I've had a C-section and three vaginal births, the C-section was by for the hardest.

It took me ages to feel like a 'mum'. It's a huge life adjustment and you should be kind to yourself! Also, no one should judge you for a c section etc - motherhood is a different path for everyone. Congratulations on your baby and enjoy as much sleep as possible!!

You are being far to hard on yourself A c section is 10 times harder than having a vagina birth it's a major operation !

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You had a major operation, have dealt with painful mastitis and your baby girl is safe and loved, that is all that matters. You also shouldn’t feel guilty for asking your DH for help, having a new baby is hard even if they sleep well.

You’re doing a brilliant job x

My thoughts exactly and having a new baby is sooooooo hard

I get it. My first was induced, and even though she was tiny in the end I was just too exhausted to push her out and she was delivered by ventouse. She also had feeding issues, and yes I absolutely felt like a failure. She's 8 now, and I can honestly say her start doesn't bother me at all now. Delivering a baby is not the final exam of motherhood. How you became one honestly doesn't matter, it's the the care and effort we put in every day that matters. Your baby is happy and healthy so you're getting it right.

You have a mostly happy and calm baby, you have NOT failed, but, your feelings are completely valid as there is so much information and pressure around mother's these days that it's hard for anyone to feel like they're succeeding.

My biggest fear around birth was that I'd need a section. I feared that much more than a vaginal birth. It isn't the easy way out.

You are allowed to ask for help even if your baby is content. My toddler sleeps through the night and is a joy, but sometimes it is still exhausting, and we all need a break from time to time.

Also, I really doubt anyone is judging you at play groups! I wouldn't think twice about any of it if a mother mentioned it to me at group. Be a bit easier on yourself x

Give yourself a break; growing humans and looking after them is hard, even when the they are easy going. You and your husband are on a steep learning curve and it is very important that you don’t leave him out of it, and that he doesn’t duck out of it.
Sit down and talk to each other; everything out of work hours needs to be shared equally, that includes the baby, the house chores and food.
I breast fed mine, has endless infections, abscesses, antibiotics, lumps, loads of pain. Relief to stop. Not expressing colostrum did not cause you to stop breastfeeding.
Hang in there; you’re doing fine.

And the nicest possible way, not many people have faced their biggest parenting challenges at 10 weeks. It seems like a long time at this stage, but you're barely off the starting block.

There's no benefit in struggle, just make you a better or worse parent. It just is what it is. And it's not like you haven't had a tricky time - having an emergency section, when it wasn't your plan isn't easy, and you've had mastitis 3 gloves for goodness sake - none of that is ready!

But in any event, you could have had the easiest possible childbirth, was a unicorn sleeping child that breastfed like a dream, or every complication and difficulty into the sun. It's just luck of the draw really, neither is a more authentic parenting experience.

My first, I had an incredibly easy planned section, recovered like a dream, bottle fed which was my wish, She slept 11-6 at 6 weeks. Easy peasy. She's now seven, doesn't sleep through the night, having mental health support for anxiety, has had a horrendous few years.

My second, planned section went fine again, baby chose to breastfeed without pain or issue, average sleeper at birth. No real challenges. She woke 10 times plus a night as a toddler, then became seriously ill, we lived in hospital for a while, and things are a challenge.

By my calculations, 10 weeks is just over 1%. If you are lucky, much of the remaining 99% will be stress-free, but the chances are you'll hit your fair share of challenges. You don't need to go looking for them or feel guilty for the ones you've avoided. Parenting is very much a marathon not a sprint.

You have in no way failed or taken the easy route here.
You grew a whole human being inside your body. You then underwent a major operation to deliver your baby safely. You’ve had to physically recover from that operation whilst caring for a newborn baby and dealing with tongue tie etc. You’re sterilising and preparing multiple bottles a day / night. You’re taking on the childcare and not asking for help from your partner. Nothing there sounds easy!
We can all tell you that you don’t need to feel guilt etc, but it does sound like you could do with speaking to a professional. I would really urge you to speak to your GP or HV. As someone who struggled immensely I really think early intervention saved me from spiralling into something much worse. So please do reach out to a health care professional.

Op you didn’t take the easy way out. Regardless of what anyone thinks about c sections, you didn’t choose to have one, you had to have one for medical reasons. You had the stress of a small baby that stopped growing when pregnant and also having to make that decision, that’s not easy. You had the c section recovery whilst looking after a newborn which also isn’t easy. You then had the stress of trying to express for your baby and having to make the decision to formula feed as it wasn’t working out, and now you’ve got all the bottle washing, sterilising and making up bottles at night and whilst out which also isn’t easy. You’ve had some very hard things to overcome.

I wasn't sure which around the voting was, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have a happy, fed baby and that's a wonderful thing BUT it is a huge adjustment and it's hard to let go of our expectations, so it's certainly not uncommon to have feelings of guilt, anxiety or depression.

You do still deserve help, of course you do. Looking after a baby is intense, even if you are sleeping.

With kids, everything is a phase. The good stuff and the bad. You might be in an easier phase than some of your peers right now, and that's ok. In a few weeks things might be different, and that's ok too. FWIW I don't think a C-section in an easy birth.

Only you know how overwhelming the guilt is for you, but please reach out to your GP, or HV, or a maternal mental health charity if the reassurance you get here isn't enough - there is help out there, and you are deserving of it.

Please please please be gentler with yourself. You sound like you’ve been through the mill already bless you. You done what was right for your baby, which is all any of us can do. I remember feeling the same when I got induced and had an epidural, I felt like I’d coaxed my body into labour and then the epidural took the pain away and it was all a bit of a cop out. But when I look back now I think why do we have to suffer and feel pain, it doesn’t make one birth more validating then another.

i also think the language of “natural birth” compared to more accurate words like vaginal or c section needs to change too.

Give yourself time to settle in and adjust in your new normal and know that you’re doing and have done everything right so far.

Yep ...what this pp said .
You have done everything exactly the right way ; we can tell that by the way your daughter is loved , properly fed and well-rested . Also , a lot of the way you are feeling is down to all the normal hormonal adjustments going on in your body .
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to tell your husband these things ... perhaps show him this thread if you're worried about getting it all out without dissolving into a tearful puddle .
Honestly , you're doing great .

If I met you and heard your experience then I would think you were a tough cookie. There is no easy entrance into motherhood.

It must have been so stressful and hard to hear that your baby wasn't growing as expected. I'm sure it all happened so quickly with very little time to really process that your pregnancy wasn't going to end as you had anticipated for 9 months. 9 months. That's a long time.

No decent person would judge you. Consider it a method to filter out ignorant people from your life. Enjoy your little one.

Girl, you had major abdominal surgery! Nothing easy about that! ❤️

Your baby is fed, healthy and happy! You are doing an absolute amazing job.

Be kind to yourself love, and have a wee chat with the GP - you might have PND. I did (still kinda do) and there's help out there, you don't need to live with these feelings ad there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Be kind to yourself ❤️❤️❤️

Or should I just get a grip and accept I’ve taken the easy way out?

Well the c section wasn't your choice (I'm not agreeing with you that it was an easy way out btw, I'm just pointing out that it's irrelevant either way).

On formula feeding - so what if it's the easiest way for you? If there's ever a time for an easy way, it's this. I breastfed DD1 because for me, it was easier - no one judges me for saying that. I combi fed DD2 from 6 months, again because it was the easiest thing to do. Loads of people formula feed because (for them) overall it's easier. And loads of people breastfeed because (for them) overall it's easier.

Oh you poor thing. It doesn’t seem to me like you’ve had an easy ride at all, I think you’ve had it pretty tough to be honest. I certainly wouldn’t be judging you and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your dh should be doing his bit. It isn’t about helping you (although he should want to support his wife), it’s about parenting his child. Don’t let him get away with doing nothing just because she’s a placid baby. You still need time to yourself.

Your dd is fed, safe and clearly very loved and that is the only important thing. I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well as you are taking care of her.

Ohhh boy where do I start?

You carried your baby. You birthed her...you went through major surgery...and now you say
"I also feel guilty asking for any help from my DH as I think he’s wondering why I need it"

How much "work" did your DH put in growing and birthing your baby? This is sooo messed up OP.
Parenting is a long game, trust me. Sounds like you are coping really well, but there will be challenges. And your baby is both your responsibility. Your DH is not there to help you. He is her father and he should be doing at least half the work.
Congratulations on your lovely daughter.

Do you think your h has failed?

If not, why do you think you have?

You are parenting your dd the best way you can, listening to medical advice. Things don't always go to plan, but the important thing is the health and well-being of your dd.

And don't forget that you are also recovering from the impact of pregnancy and a major abdominal operation.

You did not take the easy way out. There is no easy way to have a baby. You made a loving and sensible choice to protect your baby by having a c-section delivery and then you cared for her while recovering from major surgery. Formula feeding is a safe, healthy choice and was just what your baby needed from you.

Parenting newborns is hard - even content newborns who sleep reasonably well. You haven’t taken the easy road or let anyone down. You’re doing a brilliant job and raising your daughter well and with great love. You are as deserving of support and praise as any new parent.

I had a section (planned) with both my kids. I have type 1 diabetes. My DD had blood sugars so low they didn't register and she spent three days in NICU. I still managed to BF her after that

Get over it. The fact remains you had sections on medical advice and it was the best thing for your child. Do you have a healthy baby? Then that's all that matters. Your kid doesn't know the difference. Stop making it all about your experience and concentrate on your baby.