To expect a bit more help from dh during holidays

[gingerspice32]

Dh and I have a 3 year old together who is in nursery so her childcare arrangements won't change much over the holidays.

I also have a 12 year old from a previous marriage who will obviously be off for 6 weeks. Dh works from home mostly and I work part time but in a shop so clearly away from the house. I've spent the past week working out my calendar, booking leave, negotiating with colleagues etc.

Dh hasn't booked anything other than our week away for a holiday at the end of August.
His argument is ds will be fine and probably make his own plans or 'sit on his Xbox all day'. He will be available for lifts if needed and will sort his lunch if required but that's it. Ds will probably go out with friends a fair bit but that's not a given as we live rurally with not many kids around us and they will have their own holidays/plans anyway.

Now obviously I realise my ds is mine and his dad's responsibility (his dad has booked some leave too). But I'm a bit put out that it wouldn't even occur to dh to book maybe one or two days to do something with ds, they have a good relationship and we've been together since ds was small but he doesn't see it as his job in any way.

I find the holidays very stressful as it's hard to care for a 12 year old and a 3 year old together on my days off, there's virtually nothing you can do activity wise so it's a lot of walks and parks and picnics which get dull quickly.

I've booked a few days off while the little one is at nursery and have planned a few day trips with ds in mind. Invited dh along but zero interest. I think I'm annoyed at his general apathy at family life/days out and just always allowing me to be the default parent who thinks of these things.

I've told him that when dd starts school next year he will need to start helping out with her but I still don't think he'll take the initiative to do anything particular special with her. He doesn't see the value in experiences and days out and it's really starting to drain me.
Aibu to expect a bit more? It bugs me that he will happily let ds sit in his room all summer (while I'm not around) when he could easily do something with him. He gets a lot more annual leave than me.

It is absolutely a shame he doesn't seek to spend quality time with your son. Not his responsibility technically but as a family and your partner it's something I'd hope to see. I suspect he'll have a bit of a shock when youngest starts school. We have a whole colour coded spreadsheet with 2 weeks off together, a week each dotted about for childcare and the rest paid or grandparents. He'll soon get a taste of what you're going through.

You’re not unreasonable, it’s sad that you only get so many summers with you kids and yours just won’t have any meaningful memory of him being a part of them. But then again he sounds like he’s just generally not bothered about them, not just in summer. Your effort won’t go unrecognised by them and I’m sure you’ll make their childhood special - that doesn’t really solve his lack of care but at least they have one engaged parent.

Tbh if he didn’t care about the family days out I’d just save myself the cost of an adult ticket and put that towards my kids and leave him at home. In all seriousness he does realise that he will have to share childcare at least for your shared daughter?

He does realise it and I'm sure he will step up for her. But it will absolutely require me telling him what days to book and organising everything as per usual. And I doubt he'd bother to do anything with her other than maybe park trips.

I want my kids to have experience and visit new places and see interesting things. I want them to have memories from their childhoods. We cant afford to do it too often but during the summer it seems like the perfect time to plan the odd day trip. He just isn't bothered. He's happiest at home and doesn't seem to see the value in it. It's becoming a problem in our marriage to be honest.

I think I just struggle being the default parent. Especially during the summer holidays when there's so much to juggle.

I have my own shared DC and a DSC I refuse to take time off for my DSC. I need it all for my DC. I think that's fair enough but your DH doesn't even want to spend time with his own kid!

Yabu. Not his responsibility. Your son has 2 parents

He's very hands on with her and looks after her a lot when I have commitments with ds. So it's not about not spending time with her. He'd just rather be at home. Which is fine on a weekend or whatever but over 6 weeks there needs to be some variety!
As I said, she's still in nursery so it won't be an issue for her this summer but next year it will be. And I hope to see a bit more imagination from him then!

YABU your son has two parents whom will spend time with him. At 12 he doesn't need babysitting anyway!

I completely understand why you want him to do this with your son, and to show he cares. The thing is, he hopefully shows he cares for your son in his own way (not necessarily in the way you want him to). If you can easily say how he shows he cares for your son then I don't think this part is as much of a worry.

With regards to being a default parent my advice would be to slowly start putting responsibility on him. Start with he's taking youngest to a birthday party, give him the invite and tell him he needs to get the present. Leave him to it. Tell him he now has to pay little one's bag for nursery. Don't give him anything that would completely muck stuff up. He's acting like a teen letting you do everything, but you're also allowing him to. I saw this knowing I did exactly what you are now doing. I did it all, burnt myself out and it escalated over the years. So make the changes now, don't expect an overnight miracle but he does need to step up now and not next year.

I have to disagree because of 1. He is 12yo, wasting precious annual leave. 2. He has a dad and mum who need to arrange days off to do something with him.