Is it me or him?

[BonneMaman77]

My DH is an entrepreneur and works ALL the time. I am the breadwinner but my work is quite balanced. He has two kids, I and we have none. I plan things for us and he is always grateful and a great sport. He rarely plans things for us. I plan and book holidays, almost all weekend stuff, dinners, interesting events, everything.

On the few occasions that he does plan something, he includes his adult children. I have felt unloved and this came to ahead a few months ago and I told him. I enjoy spending time with his kids but it hurts me and pisses me off that he almost always plans with us and the kids. I feel taken for granted that he doesn’t plan things for us.

His current excuse for including the kids is that DH and I and one of his DC are both moving abroad soon. And he keeps saying this is the only time he has with that DC 🤨. He has a form for drama and martyrdom which I also pointed out.

He is a sweet DH and a very loving and caring soul and I know he absolutely loves me and his DC. So I think I am standing up for myself to be treated well but then I feel guilty and second guess my outbursts.

Any advice on how one or both should approach or think about this is welcome.

How often is he arranging these events with his adult children?

How often are you organising special one-to-one activities with him?

I try to plan something almost every weekend, most are simple - galleries, museums, music shows, a new place for a meal. He wants to see the adult kids every other week or so. Similar things or meet up for a long meal. Well last week he planned 3 events in one week with us all which doesn’t happen often but annoyed me.

Also, when he and I speak about an event, he will mention it to the kids and would want to go with them. And then he is responsible for booking and mostly doesn’t happen for one reason or another meaning I miss out

It's doesn't sound like you're missing out if you are doing all kinds every weekend.has he always been like this, or is he cramming what he can in because he's moving away from one of them?

He’s always been like this but more so now.
I am truly not missing out on time with him. If I didn’t plan then we do nothing.
What I am missing is him making plans for just us.
I do wonder if I am making a mountain but i get really worked up about this often and when I do it’s not pretty.

If you're planning things for just the two of you every weekend and you expect him to plan additional things for just the two of you and he works all the time then when would he have time to see his kids?

When you say he is an entreprenuer but you ate the breadwinner does that mean he isn't making any money at all or pin money? Does he pay his way and why are you moving abroad? Are you funding the things he arranges to do with his adult DC including paying for the DC?

I make more than him and he pays his way aside from some of our holidays because my preferences are expensive I pay. The kids now pay their way for meals and the more expensive ticketed events.

That's weird, if he wanted to spend time with his children, he could do that separately.

The OP says she plans things for them as a couple every weekend, so presumably he doesn’t actually get much time to see his kids without her.

I see my dad every week, I would be pretty upset if my step mum started planning stuff and was making it difficult for dad to see us. We do a mix of stuff just us and him, both of them or as a group but then they also see their friends and do a lot together too.

Yeah I think you're making a mountain. You're not leaving him time to make plans while you're making so many plans. Back off with the plans constantly and see what he does.

When I don’t plan then he gets ideas but because we didn’t book we often don’t have tickets or time slots (museum) for a visit. He then gets upset with himself.

i book so that he doesn’t end up being upset with himself and also I have something lined up for us.

What annoys me is that he rarely makes plans and when he does it is rarely just for us. To be clear, I also make time to see the kids every other weekend and I plan quite a few of those things too.

Good suggestion, I will back off planing for a while and allow some vacuum to form and see how that goes.
Thanks for taking time and advice, I do feel like in the scheme of some of the things I read here I should STFU and deal with it! Thanks for being kind

It comes across as if you are planning to do stuff every weekend - almost like trying to ensure he has no time to see his kids.

My DH is lovely and has a job that requires a lot of forethought and planning. But take that out of an IT context and put it into a leisure context and he is bloody useless. So I do a lot of the planning for holidays etc. I think a lot of couples split tasks like this, I can't think of many friends who leave the leisure arrangements to their husbands.

Do you need to do stuff solely together every weekend? Can you not suggest you have two of the four weekends a month just for you two, and he is free to do stuff with his kids on the other two?

So will he be living in a different country to his children, or just one? When will that happen?

I find it odd that he & his adult kids want to see each other so frequently but that is probably more a reflection on me.

In my household I am also the one who arranges everything. My DH will want to do something but never have an idea of exactly what or make any booking if needed. I am quite resentful of that but figure he won’t change so it’s on me if I want to do things.

I expect your DH is just a bit clueless and doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, he probably feels that he arranges stuff for you & him but has a massive blind spot that it always includes his DC.

Sadly I think you just have to learn to live with it, maybe give yourself a bit of an organising break every now & then as well.

I am the planner in our relationship and DP has moaned there is no space for him to plan anything. I have left space and he doesn't fill it which is really frustrating to me because I feel as though I can't arrange anything or plan anything (including seeing friends or doing something for myself as we have young DC) as I am just waiting about for him to make any decisions. I don't think he will change so I guess you need to find a way to cope with it - maybe plan a few more things with friends that you really want to do and leave space for him to start planning other stuff or ask him to sort one date night a month maybe.

General rule in our house is if I don't book it ,it won't happen. DH is just hopeless at arranging things other than a couple of get togethers with his mates couple times a year. But I'd rather be in control so it works for us !

Thanks for sharing your stories, I took it personally to me. I realise it is more personal to him and inability to plan. It is good to change the perception than fight the wrong one, appreciate your stories thank you!

@JRM17 if you can’t be bothered to read the very few posts then really don’t bother with a rant, Vent on your own thread.