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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL new partner

25 replies

Bearcub01 · 15/07/2024 22:06

My mother in law has a new partner we’ve only recently found out about, but don’t really know anything about him apart from he lives in Ireland and we are in the UK. She looks after my son a couple of times a week and has been speaking to this guy on the phone/facetiming whilst my son is there and letting him speak to him. He was over for the weekend and she had my son on the Monday, we didn’t know this guy was still here so spent the whole day with them. We’ve told her we didn’t want him meeting some stranger we’ve never met, the guy might well be fine but we don’t want him getting to know someone who potentially might only be around for a while. Are we wrong in this? She’s moaning he’s now in her life and there’s nothing she can do about it. It’s the fact she’s gone and introduced them and had him with my son and buying him toys without even letting us know.

OP posts:

BigCuteBaby567 · 15/07/2024 22:09

YANBU. Of course you need to meet him before he can be around your son.

RappersNeedChapstick · 15/07/2024 22:15

If you're not comfortable you need to find alternative Childcare arrangements and pretty quick.

Noseybookworm · 19/07/2024 11:11

It's odd that your MIL hasn't introduced you to her new boyfriend before allowing him to be around your son. She obviously didn't think that you would have a problem with it and that you would trust her judgement. How old is your son? Can you explain to her that you're not making any judgement about her new bloke but that you would want to meet and get to know anyone who is going to spending time around your son?

Umidontknow · 19/07/2024 11:14

Completely reasonable to want to know who is meeting your son and when and she really should have asked you about it. But it will also be completely reasonable for her to say she cannot look after your son going forward if she starts to spend more time with him

LegendInMyOwnLunchtime · 19/07/2024 11:21

Buying him toys etc is way too intense way too soon. And all day at home in the home… no.

I would tell her that single parents don’t introduce their kids to new partners for months and months, and then very gradually.

But the bottom line is she can do as she pleases and if she isn’t prepared to compromise her new love life for her childcare offer to you, the. You need to find alternative childcare.

You can see why someone coming all the way from Ireland would stay for the Monday, and why she wouldn’t want to chase him out of the house. But she does need to give you the information.

You are in no position to demand or dictate, only to make new arrangements where such protocols are part and parcel. I.e nursery or childminder.

GreenShadow · 19/07/2024 11:29

Sorry, but your MiL has a life and if you want her to look after your DS, you'll have to accept she can't always work round you.
She trusts her new partner and you presumably trust her, so I guess she assumed it wouldn't be a problem.

Now she knows you weren't happy, hopefully she can arrange for you all to get together as soon as possible.

mondaytosunday · 19/07/2024 11:33

Hmmm. If your mil was a paid childminder would you insist on meeting their boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if she went out for the day to meet a friend at the park you've never met?
As she's a relative, you can ask to meet the guy, but you can't stop her from seeing him when she has your child. If you don't like it find an alternative child care arrangement.

Edingril · 19/07/2024 11:34

So she saves you childcare and you are dictating what she does?

Blondebakingmumma · 19/07/2024 11:56

I wouldn’t feel comfortable about this. I’d find alternative care when she is spending time with him

spirit20 · 19/07/2024 12:00

If she's looking after your son for free, it would be completely unrealistic to expect her to put her life on hold for the privilege of doing you a favour.

Someone above has commented about single parents waiting months to introduce a new partner. But your MIL isn't the child's parent.

Ultimately, if you don't like it, as other posters have pointed out, you need to find someone else to look after your child.

Personally I really wouldn't have a problem with this. I doubt she would leave the child alone with him one way or another. Have you considered that she almost definitely has friends etc. calling over on the days that she looks after him? From the child's point of view, there isn't much difference between that and having her new partner to stay.

SummerSnowstorm · 19/07/2024 12:07

Weird that she didn't mention it in passing, but I can't see the issue as long as they were left alone together at all.

Emmz1510 · 19/07/2024 12:55

mondaytosunday · 19/07/2024 11:33

Actually I think any new adult in the home of a childminder who is going to be around the kids needs to undergo checks of some sort. I can’t imagine any professional childminder introducing their mindees to some random

Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2024 12:56

Have you met all of her friends who might visit / call round or face time while she is child minding your son?

surely it will be time consuming for you to meet and appraise everyone she knows

ABirdsEyeView · 19/07/2024 13:37

If my childminder had a new boyfriend, I'd expect her to see him when my child wasn't there. If he was moving in, I'd want his record checked first and I would expect for my child to never be alone in their care.
Mil isn't paid childcare, but I would still expect safeguarding measures - so no introducing him to my child without my knowledge and agreement, definitely no leaving my child alone in his care while she pops to the bathroom. Now, it's likely a partner might feel insulted by this, so mil is probably not going to be with your child 100% of the time if there's another adult in the house. So it's really important you know him and have him checked out before this happens.

I wouldn't be happy she'd introduced them without your knowledge though. Suspect you will end up needing new childcare ultimately.

EatTheGnome · 19/07/2024 13:42

Depends. I'd she planning to actively encourage a relationship with toys and days out or is he just going to be someone who is there with Mil sometimes?

My DD often sees family and friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends. In no way is she put in a situation with a safeguarding risk or pushed to have a relationship, beyond just being polite as she would anyone else.

I don't like how your MIL has gone about it though so I suspect you think it's the former, in which case Yanbu.

Createausername1970 · 19/07/2024 14:07

I am 50/50 on this one.

On the one hand it's not appropriate for DS to have been having online conversations with a stranger without you knowing, and also that person is then in the house with your child. I would would be massively uncomfortable about it. And if MIL could not see this for herself without you having to point it out, then I wouldn't be trusting her judgement.

On the other hand. She has a life, and can do as she pleases and if this chap comes to stay again then it's possible he will be there on the day she looks after your child.

I guess you have to decide whether you want to keep MIL looking after your child and try to get her to let you know what her future plans are so you can meet the new man when he next over. Or whether you make other arrangements.

CosyLemur · 19/07/2024 19:51

I don't think you can really complain if you're getting free childcare.

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 19:54

New childcare arrangements needed!

Justcallmebebes · 19/07/2024 19:54

Blondebakingmumma · 19/07/2024 11:56

I wouldn’t feel comfortable about this. I’d find alternative care when she is spending time with him

Yeah, because that's really easy to do, assuming OP has readily available, alternative childcare on tap at short notice

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 19:55

What's the alternative @Justcallmebebes they can't dictate to MIL how she leads her life.

Justcallmebebes · 19/07/2024 20:40

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 19:55

What's the alternative @Justcallmebebes they can't dictate to MIL how she leads her life.

Well yes, that's exactly what I said!

Vonesk · 20/07/2024 03:41

Oh so dangerous. Hes buying TOYS ( grooming behaviour). Pull out immediately. When abuse happens it can ruin a life forever. Keep him away
100%.

autienotnaughti · 20/07/2024 06:35

mondaytosunday · 19/07/2024 11:33

A paid childminder would not be inviting their partner round while working. Anyone who spends significant time in a childminder's house has to be dbs checked

autienotnaughti · 20/07/2024 06:39

I'd be ok with them going to a cafe/park etc but wouldn't be keen on him just being at the house. I guess it also depends on how well you think mil will safeguard your child. Do you trust her not to leave your child unsupervised with him?

Original poster

Bearcub01 · 22/07/2024 12:00

I am not dictating what she does with her life but, would have expected her to tell us this guy was going to be there when she had our child and we would have made alternative arrangements for this time. We didn’t even know she was seeing this guy so it was a shock to find out he had been speaking to our son and spent a whole day with him when we know nothing about him. We don’t need the child care and she is not saving us any money as people have suggested. She doesn’t work a Monday so she wants to see him on those days and usually takes him to a play group. It’s all pretty fresh and they both live in different countries, so we don’t know if this long distance thing will work, we are concerned about our son getting involved and attached to someone who then might disappear and never to be seen again. If it does seem like it’s going well, then I’m more than happy for him to meet him when we are there which I suppose is pretty pointless now he’s already spent the day with him. As I said, I don’t need the child care at the minute so he won’t be visiting or staying over.

OP posts:

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