Boys will be boys used to describe my son...

[Boyswillbeboysofc]

Son is 4, under pedatriton for delays and concerns raised likelihood of needing an adhd assessment once 6.

Senco today and nursery teacher in general day to day comments described him as just a typical boys boy.

Despite pedatritons report. Despite their own screening showing delays. Despite what they have seen and what I have told them I see at home.

Am I right to feel frustrated he's just being labeled as a boys boy, when that description is actually quite "it's okay he's disruptive!" as since his sen support was stopped in school, he's gone downhill at home.

If it was a general chat at pick up then maybe it was an off the cuff remark about any boy who has energy and likes to run around and be a little boisterous, a 'boy' s boy' also means boy friends and not hanging around with girls, the interests are stereotypically boys. As a teacher I wouldn't be bringing up a possible adhd diagnosis every time we talked about him but would be keeping the conversation light at pick up.

If it was said in a formal meeting then I would understand your concern. But as you have said, adhd assessment is at six. My son is 5 and has been described as a typical boy but it is likely he will have an adhd assessment when the time comes. They might be not wanting to make every conversation so heavy going.

Teacher comments have been informal and light highted.

Today was during a TAF meeting as I was raising concerns regarding both of my children, one of which is on the pathway for autism. Which is also ignored as she's fine once in... Pedatritons concerns regarding potential adhd pathway and the fact it's in our family have been dismissed as too early to tell.

He isn't just boisterous. He's destructive when stressed. He was doing so well when under the sen register and the additional support once he first started, but as he was. They took him off. But his behaviour is getting worse especially after what school see as a "good day" when he's in. On a bad day school wise he's fine once home!

I hear you OP. Mine gets dismissed as “the class joker” when actually while he is, it’s because he’s trying to distract everyone from noticing how much he struggles to understand everyday language and keep up with the class. These stereotypes don’t help anyone.

@MulberryBushRoundabout noted speech delay and listening, attention and understanding on his screening too I'm guessing?!

It makes you want to hit your head against a brick wall!

Well now I understand your concern, I'd be worried too. I think its a matter where you need to be forceful and keep chasing everything after the meetings in writing. It's awful!

I get it. My PIL kept saying, that's just what boys are like...whenever I raised anything that was difficult about parenting DS2.
I already had an older DS so I knew it was more than that. Turns out, no, PIL, that's what boys with autism are like...🙄

I had this in buckets. My son was just naughty according to school, wouldn't even put him forward for assessment. I didn't know I could do it myself at that point.

He was finally diagnosed at 20!

In the end I just concentrated on what I could do to make home his safe haven, and I didn't really get overly bothered about what was going on at school. Every time they dragged me in, I said the same thing and made suggestions about what they could do - managing transitions etc. but I made it plain they weren't prepared to support him appropriately, so it was their problem, not mine.

It had a good outcome for a while as eventually a new Senco joined the school. She spotted him in the lunch hall, made some enquiries with teachers etc, phoned me, and by the end of the week he suddenly had lots of additional support in place, a safe space in her office, and plan - including all the stuff I had been banging on about!

Totally feel you.

Why aren't they adding him back on the register and giving him the support he needs?

I'm surprised they took him off, as with him doing well it shows the support is working well for him

It's all I've done for years with my daughter too. It just always get dismissed which is why the boys boy aspect really got to me today. As he only gets a bit too much as such if he isn't regulated. Or he's been holding it in. School report was gleaming in general over what a empathic and kind child he is, which is true!
But he does need that balance and it needs to be consistent or else he will get crazy chops! So boys boy just grates on me. As he is, in theory. A typical "boys boy" but I've seen him after a good or bad day. I've seen him on play dates and varying temperments of other children.

I've also due to my sons friends, and daughters friends siblings. Seen that how he acts isnt in line with just being a bit cheeky.

His sense of pain is non existent. Unless he's annoyed about it. He gets something in his head and it must be done. To the point I've stopped warning him of potential dangers as that will only encourage him to go for said danger.

His father is on the adhd pathway as has struggled an awful lot to the point of us divorcing. He is now also on the autism pathway too. As am I. Yet school refuse to acknowledge any of that as relevant. And it's always downplayed as daughter is fine once in, despite it being stressed likely masking via gp and cahms. And son is just a boys boy.

It's so infuriating all round isn't it. I'm so sorry you all have struggled too :(

It during all our battles along with me having words with the head when he raised their attendance figures for my daughter, all they seem to care about as a whole is statistics. Rather than a child's need. And that isn't their fault, budgeting makes it so difficult and a constant theme I've heard for my daughter. One point off play therapy. Not bad enough mentally. As they just don't have a choice despite the best of intentions being there.

I don't judge my kids school on their lack of care. But jesus christ budgeting here is the issue all round.

And yes, I refused to sign to take my son off the sen register and never returned the forms yet somehow he's still off it. Not because I'm difficult, I just didn't agree and a letter in his bag stating I'd agreed he was doing well during a parent's evening as such wasn't me agreeing he needed to be taken off it. As it was working.

And yes, I refused to sign to take my son off the sen register and never returned the forms yet somehow he's still off it. Not because I'm difficult, I just didn't agree and a letter in his bag stating I'd agreed he was doing well during a parent's evening as such wasn't me agreeing he needed to be taken off it. As it was working.

That's shocking. Have you raised this further?
Who was in the TAF meeting?

Will stress what I meant was they do care. They are brilliant as a whole. But there's just a gap that needs filling that budget just doesn't allow.

One of my moments was after begging for help was stating a Child shouldn't break before they are offered help. As by then the damage has been done.

As my daughter had been breaking for years at this point and barely able to function even with her loved ones outside the house.

@Sunshineclouds11 early help and senco and family link. But this happened months back when I was given the paper work. I just assumed if as per the wording I'd need to agree, it would be default I didn't.

My daughters class teacher or her much loved ta wasn't told she was on the pathway for autism either. Despite me sending all evidence over. As I always do, for both of them.

Iv 3 diagnosed adhd boys. Most HC professionals and schools won't commit to adhd diagnosis until 6 as it is too early to tell in many cases.
My first child went through asd pathway at 3 as that was standard with delays where we lived. He flew through and consultant said at final meeting - he doeant have asd but probably has adhd but we can look at that until he is 6. So we had to wait until he was 6 and was diagnosed a year later and started medication. Frustrating but that's the way the diagnostic guidelines seem to work

Having been in my kids primary quite a bit and seen different children. Masking is real and possibly impossible for teachers to know if a child is masking or not at times. Iv had to talk a fellow sen mum down as she was furious that teacher wouldn't write a report about her child's asd signs in school- probelm was the teacher wasn't seeing them. Then child masked incredibly well and I wouldn't have realised except for the mum telling me they suspected asd.

That's very frustrating OP. I don't think your concerns can ever be dismissed but just remember they can only comment on what they observe. If he presents differently to them then that's all they can report. I've seen it from two sides, my boy was a bit boisterous in school but an absolute nightmare at home, diagnosed ADHD at 10. I work in a nursery now with age 3 and 4 and we often have parents gobsmacked about what we say and vice versa, for example recently we had to do a report on a child who doesn't speak at all, yet his mother says he never stops talking. We've had quiet shy children whose parents say they are loud and sociable, we've had confident self sufficient children whose parents believe them to be clingy and more often we have calm easy going kids who have massive tantrums on the way home. Sometimes no one is right or wrong.

The masking element I completely get, my daughter is the same. So in that aspect I get a school can only do what they can see.

What gets me with my son is it is seen, but dismissed as boys will be boys. They note he is lovely and empathetic, which he is. But all his struggles with focusing. Sitting still. Disruptive. Is just put down to being a boy. Despite pedatriton stating otherwise. Which is the frustrating element.