Help! DM fell while out walking and has lost her confidence

[WinterKate]

DM is 76, incredibly fit and healthy. Walks miles on a daily basis. A month ago she tripped while out and dislocated her shoulder. Some strangers helped her and I think between them they popped it back in, but just as they got her home it came out again. A scan showed she'd fractured it and she's been in a sling ever since. She cried to me today because she keeps dreaming about the fall and is terrified of going out again. DF is furious at her for falling (not her fault) and I'm worried we've all been a bit negative telling her she must be more careful etc...so now she says she's lost all her confidence and is scared to go out. Now I know this is terrible for her mental and physical health, walking kept her young. Is there anyone she can talk to, like a counsellor or MH provider that could help her get her confidence back? I'm worried she thinks it's her fault. We will all change our tune of course and be positive and helpful but I just don't want this to turn her into a worried (old) lady.

She could ask her doctor to send her to a falls clinic. They will give her exercises to help her balance and regain her confidence. She could also use a pair of walking poles when her arm has healed .I’ve seen lots of older people using them in the past couple of years instead of walking sticks. They are more comfortable to use but you have to use them correctly, there are youtube videos to show her how.

That's really sad, your poor mum. Would she like to join a local walking club (if you can find any)? Or find a partner to walk with? Would having someone else give her some confidence? I do think speaking to a therapist could help if she would be open to it.

Your DF is furious at her for falling? Did I read that correctly?

Yes (eye roll).

He's 10 years older so not as active and I sense it comes from a place of jealousy that she's still merrily matching over hills for hours at a time.

These are fantastic ideas, thank you!

Do we know that it was a simple trip? Has she been referred to a falls clinic? They can be really good as they can assess any other factors which ( if excluded) would give her some confidence, she may be able to access some Physiotherapy for balance and advice on walking aids.
Things like walking poles can be very helpful.
She should get referred for some physio for her shoulder at some point, so may be able access some walking advice from there.
This response is not uncommon - my elderly father ( over 80) dislocated his shoulder after a fall on ice last year and it really made him feel vulnerable as he realised he wasn’t a young man any more. He has had some physio on his arm, he can’t fully lift his arm above his head but he back walking 30 mins a day, living independently, driving and can swim breast stroke a few times a week.

So sorry to hear about your mum. My mum also fell while she was out shopping last week. She was already struggling with her physical and mental health and now it is so much worse. She's not eating, stays in bed all the time, not dressing /self care. She didn't go out that much before the accident and I now think she won't go out at all now because of it. She was a bit confused afterwards and kept repeating /forgetting things she literally just said. She has diabetes and was drinking a lot of orange juice which isn't good for it!!!!! She's even using her stick around the house, think she may have pulled a muscle in her side. She won't go to her GP as she doesn't like her. I have an older sister but she works far from where she lives and lives about an hour drive away so she can't visit as often, I live nearer and not working so will go round during the week. The concierge at the flats said he will try to keep an eye on her but they are only on site between 8am-8pm. I'm so worried about her as I think her health is declining now - she is in her late 80*s and don't know what to do about her.

Did they check her bone density?

After Mum had a stroke, I found keeping her company on walks, and distracted from her anxiety by engaging with her surroundings (as one sister put it, 'we had to sniff EVERY BLOODY FLOWER!) and gossiping, she gradually built up her stamina and her confidence. Also, while not minimising what happened to her, but acknowledging that everybody can have falls, and sometimes they are bad ones, and it wasn't her 'fault' per se, simply the luck of the draw, helped.

I hope your Mum feels better in her recovery soon - and perhaps mention to your Dad that it might be his turn next to suffer an incident and need some tlc, and to perhaps review his compassion for your Mum, who he would be turning to for it, in light of that, might be worth his while! Perhaps though, your Dad's fright at your Mum's fall, is manifesting as anger - even so, he could stand to pull his head in.

I was wondering if it might make her feel more secure to have two sturdy hiking sticks which would make it less likely she would lose her balance?

Second what others are saying about referral to a falls clinic / falls prevention service. She should also have been referred for a bone density scan. Having been through this with DM a couple of years back I think the soonest she gets out and about again the better, agree a walking group might help with her confidence. If walking alone does she have a fall alarm, again this might help her mentally.

A fall is a really frightening thing. I had one about 18 months ago and horrendously sprained my ankle. I’m young, fit and healthy but it badly knocked my confidence and took me about a year to get back to normal.

What helped me was building up my confidence with others there with me, so I did lots of walks with my husband and other family members until with enough further experiences the bad memories faded. It might help your mum if you and other family members can accompany her on a few straightforward walks while she gets her confidence back.

As your mum is elderly she should be entitled to NHS support - there are clinics etc to help people recover and build up strength after a fall.

This. I wouldn’t be eye rolling at your DF, I’d be having a very firm word with him. If he expects support and compassion , he needs to show it.

It was only a month ago. More than anything, she needs time. I fell and broke my shoulder in February and I'm still not fully confident going out and about. It took about 6 weeks before I stepped out of the front door and all I did was go down the front steps and back up again. I could only do that because DH put up handrails on both sides.