Will my ASD child get easier with age?

[Bytheskinofmyteeth01]

oh God please someone with an autistic child tell me it gets easier. My son is 4, starting school this September, I am at my wits end. The obsessive repetitive behaviour, if I hear about toilets any more I’m going to Van Gogh my own ears, he is high as a kite all the time, hard to have a conversation with that doesn’t go back to toilets, he is so bright and so loving but the difficult bits outweigh the good every day. He has an EHCP in place for school and will start off doing mornings only with a 1:1.
I’m scared he won’t make any friends as he will be there for such short periods and will wander about with only a TA for company.
I’m scared they may say he isn’t coping and needs a specialist school.
I’m scared my life is always going to revolve around keeping him safe and I will never not feel this sense of stress.
please can someone just tell me it gets easier with a child who is bright and loving but so painfully repetitive impulsive and hyperactive?

I can tell you from my experience that it gets different but also, all children are different and what one autistic child does isn’t necessarily what another one will do.

I’d strongly recommend finding some local support groups so you can meet up or chat with other parents who understand and have their own difficulties to navigate.

It can definitely improve, I can't say that it will for you but it's a definite possibility. My DS has found his own way and with adjustments in the classroom and with 1:1 is now very settled at school and making progress. His class are kind and protective of him and are lovely with understanding his particular ways. I do worry a lot about the future, the transition to secondary in particular but the last 4 years of school have taught me that there are many different paths forward. Lots of NT children will learn in a roughly linear fashion, with small leaps here and there. With my DS, it's incredibly spiky, it seems like we're getting nowhere for ages and then all of a sudden he's just got the hang of it and it's like he's always been able to do it. Reading was like that. Now he is able to read more he can access more of the classroom resources and engage more in activities. So, more progress again.

I hope your school SEN team are proactive and that his classroom teacher "gets" him. My DS's first reception teacher didn't gel with him and I was somewhat relieved when she went on maternity leave at Christmas. The maternity cover teacher just got him from day 1 and we then saw improvements in his behaviour.

Anyway. I don't know if all that helps!

I’m also in the thick of it OP with my little boy, and it’s hard not knowing what the future will hold. The world isn’t made for our special kids with their quirks. My DH works with SEN kids at secondary level and many of them have gone through mainstream with some support and are doing well. They still might have a special interest or be rigid and inflexible but with the right support they’re doing GCSE’s and going to college and getting on with their lives. Many have one or two friends. Try not to worry too much, though it’s easier said than done.

no one can know,
my daughter got much much worse with age. i wish everyone hadn’t told me it will get easier as it doesn’t always and i feel misled, she got 100x worse

May I ask how she got worse with age?

well she’s the same but bigger, taller, stronger and faster, so behaviour when she was little was much more easy to deal with now she’s bigger and stronger than me and faster than me she was more manageable as a younger child for example i could pick her up or put her in a pram or carry her i can’t do any of that now and when she kicks off well that’s it nothing i can do anymore if she runs away from me i can’t keep up with her.

My DD (13) has improved beyond measure and started high school without anyone really knowing she's autistic (teachers do). She does an awful lot of exercise now which regulates her. She has met similar girls in certain sports (there will be boys too, she's just in female training groups). She's self aware enough to know the bubbling anxious feeling inside and goes to the gym or for a run. Comes back happy and relaxed. Sleeps well and that makes so much difference.

The younger years with the classes where they take turns and never break a sweat were awful, I could have written her off as not into sport. However, the stimming moved into running and then into proper sport. She injured her ankle and it made so much difference (I'd started to wonder if it had been developmental rather than ND, but a break from exercise brought all the ND traits back, including not sleeping).

As they get older you find out what works for them, they can articulate better. You might parent in a way you never imagined but hopefully you'll find what works.

I agree, things don’t always get easier! My ds is 7 and the last year or so has been much harder, for the same reasons as above. He’s getting quite frustrated socially, he’s bigger and stronger now… much harder to deal with when a melt down comes, and sadly they come more often now. I dread the teenage years! Sorry op, just wanted to be honest. It’s so hard! Find a local support group if you can.

DS is autistic. For us it got worse before it got better as he’s only been diagnosed since he was at school. He’s now six and I’ve been saying since birth he was autistic but it’s taken this long to convince professionals as he’s (that horrible phrase) high-functioning. Having an EHCP before your DS starts is positive. Make sure he’s in a responsive school - ours are marvellous.

If it helps, mine is much better since they’ve put in some adaptations. I’m also friends with two other mothers to ASD children and I’ve seen both their boys improve massively since starting school. One non-verbal now has basic conversations (age 5) and one who started on minimal hours now full time and bouncing with happiness. First is at special school, DS and the other are not.

And lastly, I’m also neurodivergent but wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s. Even though it seems tough (and it is) the fact you have a diagnosis now and are treating your son as neurodivergent and teaching him how to live as a neurodivergent person improves his chances of having a good quality of life no end. I’ve had more breakdowns than I care to recall through a professional career. Since diagnosis, I’ve dropped that career and am finally learning how to live in a sustainable way for me. It’s life changing but I’m struggling to process the grief for all the years I tried so hard to be NT and was told I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I completely hear you (pun intended) about toilets, we’ve come out of that phase but I would cheerfully modify my ears if it meant I didn’t have to be interested in Minecraft for a day.

I am out the other end of childhood with a son in his early 20s. But yet to navigate adult hood.

As someone says, it definitely gets different!

My advice is that you can't properly support your son unless you are in the right frame of mind. So finding time to get a bit of time for yourself as often as possible is very important.

Assuming you have a partner, it is very important you are both singing from the same song sheet - mixed messages are to be avoided.

Do your best to keep your son as calm as possible, however that may be. You may have to ignore advice to get your child out on a daily basis to play parks, soft play etc. My DS was definitely calmer and more rational on days when he was at home playing with me or his toys. Home became his safe space, and however much destruction had been wrought elsewhere, he knew at home it was calm and safe. That didn't mean I ignored stuff, but I took the view that unless I was actually called in for something serious, what happened at school stayed at school.

Communication is important. He is still young so his speech and ability to explain will improve, which will help. Always talk to him about why he finds some things hard and how he feels. Encourage him to talk about it, my son used to tell me it felt like his brain was on fire and about to explode.

Learn what triggers him and develop strategies to work round and avoid the triggers.

It's hard work parenting these children. My DS was adopted and the best bit of advice from the SW was don't aim to be a perfect parent and do a perfect parenting job, that is impossible. Just aim to be adequate. That's all that is needed.

exactly my daughter is a teen and it’s been horrific she becomes violent during melt downs though so i feel like a prison, can’t take her anywhere as she kicks off and lashes out, nothing i can do now tried to go out on the weekend she had a big meltdown out of nowhere went one stop on the bus and had to get off and take her home because i can’t manage her outside anymore if she kicks off, miss when she was little and could just strap her in a pram if she was kicking off (don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy but it was a lot easier than a teenager that’s how taller than me)

You've got to have hope, and you can only deal with the child you have right now.

Support groups and books etc are good to have for support, but it's always going to be one step at a time.

I'm not a parent of an autistic child but I work with a lot of autistic children. I'd recommend finding an OT that specialises in sensory regulation and implementing their recommendations to help with the hyperactivity. Also, as someone who has seen autistic children in main stream schools and also ASD specialist schools, I can genuinely say if my child was autistic I'd be fighting to get them into an ASD specialist school. In my experience, they will get so much better support and have more opportunities to have social interactions and develop bonds with other children compared to if they are 1:1 in a mainstream most of the day. I can understand parents initial worry about special needs school but you really don't need to be.