To feel like my family don't like my son

[Mixedit]

I have a 3YO DS who is very loved by my mum and her husband and my DPs parents.

It's really struck me today though how other family members don't feel this way and for some reason, it's upset me. I can't seem to shake it off. My dad was and is such a fantastic, funny and playful dad so I thought he was going to be a brilliant grandad. He has been saying behind my back that DS always has an 'ill' smell and is likely autistic. While the autistic comment isn't necessarily mean, it's made me feel kind of sad.

My brother is very anti child and will constantly make a disgusted face if DS leave crumbs at the table or will be like 'wtf is he even saying?' if I show him a video.

DPs brother isn't remotely bothered and despite living within a mile of us has met DS 3 times.

It's not like I want everyone to be completely adoring of DS but it breaks my heart a bit that what I thought would strengthen our close family has in some ways actually distanced it. Maybe I'm making too much of a fuss?

No idea what's going on but interesting it's males with these comments

It sounds like you had a vision of your family being some kind of lovely Walton's style set up and they are not living up to your expectations.
Unfortunately your children are the centre of your universe - not the universe!
Your son is loved by you and his grandparents, isn't that about it for most people? I think you risk creating family drama worrying about this situation if you are not careful, just spend more time with the people that do love him!

The not bothered stuff is a shame but not massively concerning to me. It's more the mean spirited comments.

Hi OP, some people (inc family members) are more into kids than others. I've learnt that along the way. Your mum and her husband and your DH's parents love your son and are obviously a key part of his life. Some GPs are involved at a minimal level. As a previous poster has said, we need to dismiss the Walton's style family illusion

Your dad's comments are really mean. Is he an educational psychologist or a paediatrician? If not, tell him to stick his nasty comments up his arse.

I'm not surprised that the uncles CBA, It's a shame but par for the course.

With regards to your brother… he just doesn’t like little kids. Lots of people don’t find small kids cute or appealing and the fact that he’s related to your son doesn’t mean he has to change his view on that. I don’t dislike kids, but I do dislike nappies, dribble, snot, chaos and messiness with food. When someone shares a photo of their baby with food all over their face, for example, I find it absolutely disgusting and I would struggle to pretend it’s cute. So I think that ultimately, your brother just doesn’t get the appeal of toddlers in general and yours is no different. And that’s fair enough, really. It’s a shame, but it’s not personal.

Your dad is a different matter. It might be partly just that he’s a lot older now and has left his ‘fun dad’ days behind him. But what on earth is he on about when he says your child has ‘an ill smell’?! How does someone ‘smell’ unwell? What kind of illness does he mean? It’s such a weird thing to say about anyone, but even more so about his toddler grandson. Properly bizarre.

Regarding his comments about autism, has he explained why he thinks that? Is it genuine concern, do you think?

So three men in your extended family are not interested- not into kids and can’t be arsed to pretend. The others all like him.

Your Dad’s comments are odd. Honestly though, that some people like their own children is the anomaly. They aren’t child centred people and made an exception for the one they chose to have.

I totally get that, if I'm honest I don't really like it either and find the mess of other kids a bit gross. I am however extremely good at covering this up politely. I absolutely know not to show my brother things that he'd obviously find disgusting but showing him a video of him saying happy birthday and my brother saying 'wtf is he even saying?' seems a bit mean.

It's not so much the not being bothered - that's a shame but not a big deal. It's the comments. It's feeling like he hasn't been accepted.

I did mean to say in my last post, absolutely pull your dad up on his comments! Especially if he is saying them in front of your son.

I also failed to mention I rely on my dad for childcare one day per month. I'm super grateful he does this but in light of these comments, I feel like I should just be taking annual leave on these days from now on.

My sister did this - blew up my phone with endless videos of her kid jumping on something or doing something utterly ordinary and I was somehow supposed to be taken aback by the brilliance.
I delete the videos as all they do is fill up my mobile phone memory space and I'm not going to keep watching them. Sister didn't like that when she found out.
Endless trivia about your kids is fascinating to parents and grandparents but the rest of the world don't really care.

Having said that I was never rude about it. Just not bothered. Are you possibly being over bearing with videos of him etc and not realising.

Hey i totally get how this hurts

I had something a little bit like this with some family for my daughter - now 6 - who has a lot of adhd traits and is on the diagnosis pathway

i was very close with my cousins family/ children and I was gutted when my daughter was ‘too much’ for the parents to be around and we weren’t really included in their life much anymore - and they made a few comments about her etc. she is such a happy child but has more energy than most children. there wasnt any compromise - eg to try different contexts/ways of hanging out which might be calmer

in a way it’s a bit different to your example as I’m not sure the comments in your case are founded on anything!

but the reaaon im sharing is that over time i did couple things
Set boundaries about how i responded to what anyone said about my daughter and spoke back or queried some comments

i drew her back from relationships - children and adults - who didn’t treat her with kindness and respect

really pursued the places and people where she/we were cherished

felt so much better the last few years and I’ve let go of any dreams I had around wider family but found much more supportive connections fill their place

haven’t fallen out with any family btw - it’s just more part of our periphery now

I really don't think so. I send everyone a little happy birthday message from him but otherwise all photos are in a shared file people can look at as much or as little as they like. I think I've actually been quite good at keeping my identity intact since becoming a mum and would say DS only pops up in conversation occasionally.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this but it's so lovely you've set some good boundaries and it's benefitted you. I sometimes worry that I'm not encouraging the relationship or including my dad enough but maybe I shouldn't be the one doing this. My DS has his own little room with lots of toys at my mum's whereas my dad has said he doesn't want any toys at his house.

Yes, you’re right - I do think that example definitely is mean, and I’d feel hurt by that too.

I’m still keen to know what on an earth your dad considers an ‘ill smell’ is, though.

I think you need to separate things out.

Your brother and bil aren’t interested. Trying to show him a video of a child doing something You think is wonderful is likely to just be annoying.

as for your Dad it really depends on whether he is saying it to be mean or if he genuinely thinks these things. Is he concerned? Or trying to be nasty. And if he is, why would that be? You need to speak to him

Maybe they'll find him more interesting when he's a bit older?

Many people find toddlers hard to cope with. Especially if they're boisterous or get sticky fingers on stuff or charge around noisily. And watching videos of other people's kids is baffling to many, especially those who don't have their own.

What does your dad mean by an 'ill' smell?? Is he hinting you need to bath him/change his clothes/clean his teeth more often? Very odd comment

Hmm. What did your Dad mean about him smelling ill? Is there any other content to that situation? It's a very strange thing to say.

I must admit I'm not a fan of children, even family ones. I'm perfectly fine to be polite/friendly for a while, but I think some family are upset that I'm not overjoyed to see them and enchanted by their every word. I'm just not. I do fake it til I make it to an extent, and I'm never bluntly rude or mean, but not everyone enjoys the company of kids.

What my family members see as delightful and adorable I just find tedious and irritating.

Now, give me a cat or dog and it's a different story!

Your dad and your brother sound very unpleasant. No, not everyone has to like little children, but really, how hard would it be for them to be polite and kind and hide their apparent disgust? Unless they are ND themselves, being unable to deal with a small child making crumbs and a bit of mess without pulling faces is frankly utterly pathetic.

I don’t think most people adore babies unless they are close to them and know them. I dont rush up to admire other people’s babies. But I love my DGCs.but then I know them well.
your awful DF and DB are making a point of NOT getting to know your son. Then being unpleasant about him.

they will probably change their tune when he is older and plays football or does things they can relate to but meanwhile I’d keep well out if their way.

I’d drop your dad doing childcare - his comments are quite concerning.

And I’d stop sending DB videos of him - he’s obviously not interested - a shame, but not worth pushing.

Focus on the healthy relationships he has with his other grandparents.

Read that wrong so removing my comment

Not melting into puddles over small children is one thing; saying mean things and pulling faces is something else. Please immediately stop sending your son to your father’s. I’d ask your father to explain those comments. And stop showing more videos to anyone who says unkind things.

The comments are really mean and I wouldn't put my children around people who spoke about them in such a way.
However you are lucky to have grandparents that love him and are interested mine don't even have that.