To be sad that our families suck

[Loonaandalf]

After a recent tricky encounter with DH’s in laws, I’ve come to realise that we both have rubbish families. This makes me sad as I am pregnant and wish I could give our unborn child a lively and loving extended family like some of our friends have. So I am asking, what do others do in similar situations? How did you make sure your child didn’t become isolated?

For context, DH and I live in a different city to our hometown. I come from a toxic, abusive family and am low contact with most of them. I keep meet ups brief etc.

DH’s family are bigoted and racist, and not my cup of tea at all. He makes huge effort with his MIL and his siblings but they don’t reciprocate, they never come out anywhere if we visit, they invite us over half heartedly and at best we’d be offered a cup of tea and a chat about the weather over a blaring TV. They show little interest in children (even though they all have large families) they have explicitly said they don’t want to visit us when we have a young baby as they think we won’t be able to do the touristy things with them. They don’t take their kids anywhere as it’s ‘too difficult’ so I guess that’s why they have this view. MIL has booked to visit our city for her birthday next year but has made it clear it’s not a visit to see us necessarily.

I am jealous of my friends who have families who seem to get into arguments that they don’t see each other enough, the big get togethers at Christmas etc, the chaos and laughs that come with these events. I crave it. Even the little things I witnessed when I worked as a nanny in my 20’s, grandparents visiting and singing/ reading to the child, showing genuine interest and excitement rather than plonking them in front of the TV and making out they’re a nuisance.

We have friends here and I’m sure we’ll meet other parents for play dates but it’s not the same is it? On top of that our friendships are transient, people seem to come and go in this city and there’s a lack of stability, a lot of our weekends it’s just us two, despite my efforts to keep up social activities.

I just don’t want our child to be lonely but looks like we won’t have that lovely family orientated lifestyle with extended relatives. We likely will only have one child as we have fertility issues. I really worry our child might be isolated and wonder how others have coped?

Heya, I can't say regarding none contact with toxic in laws and very sorry you're going through that, but you can make your own family with friends and the friends your child makes. Foster those friendship, be open to play dates. It's what I will have to do as I live far from family and always will, they're lovely and visit and vice versa but it's not the same as that "across the doors" surrounded by cousins upbringing I had.

Forgot to add we also will likely only have our one child due to him being ivf and our ages, its such a toll on the heart and worry about them is inevitable. Friendships will be important for sure x

Hi OP. I think it is important to remember that not all families are the same and that some families can be really toxic and damaging, but I think you know this? You are better off outside of such a toxic environment and you can build friendships with lots of people which will compensate. I had the same when my kids were small and I built good friendship groups around us. I think these groups are at least as strong as family would have been. In no way ever be tempted to bring toxic family back in- trust me it will not end well.

Thank you both, how do manage fo keep friends? Do you live in cities out of curiosity, we’re in London and people come as quick as they go. I have a few close girl friends but they’ve no kids, I think we struggle with couple friends the most as my DH is introverted (like his family) and it’s couple friends that I imagine would be more likely to have kids/ stability?

My parents come from huge families...I've got 46 first cousins at least!

But I have very little contact. I'm an only child (for the above reason!) And my parents died when I was 17 and 24...none of my aunt's or uncles made any real effort, it was all down to me "you don't come to see us often" . Despite my parents virtually raising many of them, finding them jobs, lending money, always giving their kids gifts. Ditto my cousins.

Apart from the occasional meet up where I'm invited often as an after thought and fb I don't bother.

And it's made no difference to my life, in fact at 55 I can see it's been an advantage to be self sufficient, self reliant and able to cope without the baggage of he's not talking to her, he inherited auntys house but it should have gone to him.

Be happy that you are building your own family unit, and that you can choose who to have around for your child

My DS only has 2 close family members really. Me, and one fairly involved grandparent (my mum).

My ex was abusive and isn't in DS's life. His mum was an alcoholic who died in her early 40s of liver failure. He never met his dad.

My dad is a terrible parent and he is involved in crime, drug dealing/selling weapons/fraud/burglary and I am NC with him.

I'm an only child, my dad has other kids with other women but I don't see them. My ex has a brother with kids who is decent to be fair but we never see him really as they live at the other end of the country.

My friends are my family. I've built up a great circle over the years.

I think as your baby grows and gets into preschool, school etc, you will come into contact with people at the same life stage, raising their families. So you will be able to offer playdates, get to know them, get involved in school life if you can.
Sometimes it is easier to just accept you have a shitty family, it's down to you to get on with it, and actually gives you the freedom to be the parent you want to be without criticism or demands. I would love to do Christmas my own way but family dictates so I can't.
Right now you are feeling all the emotions - pregnancy does that to you - and probably grieving for the family you wish you had. It's hard, really hard. But as time goes on it will absolutely get better and you will find your own place again, and with some massive positives to go with it. Good luck!

@Loonaandalf I was in London but ivf was so costly we had to move for a few years to avoid the nursery fees, I miss it so much!! I had some friends who were like family there and anticipate my son making his friends in school so hopefully meeting other mums, but more facilitating his friendships so he can grow his friendships too, my friends are like family for sure though we dont see eachother enough! So I see that as a way to male sure he's surrounded by people as much as he can be/wants to be. Its very hard, friends do move away etc

Thanks everyone, these replies are really helpful. I’m sad to hear it’s not uncommon to have these kinds of families although it does make me feel less alone.

We have an only child, my family are overseas ( we keep close through frequent video calls and try to visit twice a year) and my husband only sees a couple of his siblings once or twice a year. Friends can feel like family. London is not so easy for friendships, but your child will make their own group of friends at school, etc. Don't worry... families are not always close and available, even if we hear about many who are this way. And, if you dig a bit deeper, you'll see that even those who appear to have it all , still have many issues and are not always what they seem to be...

OP I am sorry to hear about your families. Please be reassured that babies/DC are one of the best ways to meet new people and make new friends. I would suggest starting with your NCT group and see if you can find some like minded local people. I also wonder if you have any cousins? I have found some common ground in adulthood with a few of my cousins and we can get together and have a laugh/shared understanding about some of the dysfunction we grew up with.

Someone once advised me to watch other families and see which ones you admire and want to emulate, and "copy what they do". Sometimes we need to learn in adulthood how to build a functional family. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

We moved countries to be near PIL. We live 10 mins away from them and they’ve invited us over a handful of times in the 7 years we’ve lived here. No interest in the DC. They have picked them up from school a few times in an emergency, but very begrudgingly and it was subsequently thrown back in our faces.

It hurts, but what can you do?

I know it's not the same but pets can be a huge emotional support, so maybe cats or dogs to help build up your family unit?

Honestly you just have to make your own family. I grew up with a single mum, no contact with my Dad and no extended family. Fortunately I am one of four children, so there was always someone around. My mum is also a very inclusive person, so at Christmas if she knew a work mate or a friend of a friend would be alone they would be invited, along with mums usual group of friends and their children. We never felt short changed by not having Grandparents or Aunts and Uncles because my mum is such a warm bubbly person.

Now all of us kids are grown up and have children of our own and we love getting together with all of the cousins for family bbqs etc. Regardless, your child won't know any different, so as long as you and your husband are positive and make things fun, they won't know what they are missing.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You sound like a lovely person. Reassure yourself that protecting your child from toxic and indifferent wider family is a great decision you've already made.

Are you religious? The nearest thing to that big loving family feeling is a very good family-friendly church. Loads of family picnics and lunches, summer camps and holiday clubs, all the children zooming around together, all the adults prepping food together, gatherings at Christmas and Easter, all ages.

Cultivate friendships, both for your child and as a family. Invite other families for bbqs or weekend lunches. See who reciprocates and start to build your friendship family from there. Invite your child's friends for playdates and sleepovers once they are older. Don't worry too much if those are reciprocated - just make sure it's normal for your child to have someone to play with and to be sharing their home, their toys, their life with other children.

Be a good neighbour, especially to older neighbours. Invite them for coffee, have neighbours' drinks sometimes. That way your child is mixing with all generations. And there may be some older people who long to be grandparents but aren't, who might take on some of the roles - singing to or playing with your child when they are around them.

You're not alone, I keep my parents at a distance for my own sanity and I miss a proper extended family hierarchy.