TW Domestic Violence

[EightyTwo]

At my wits end and looking for advice.
My son (22) is in a relationship with an abusive woman. Over the last 6 months (they've been together for 12 months she has hit cheated on him tried to convince him that his friends are all awful and he should cut them off, she has also told him I'm controlling and he shouldn't share things with me (I'm not I'm just extremely worried about him) she's also attacked him multiple times and once resulted in a hospital stay.
The hospital stay resulted in a police investigation because I convinced him to report her, it was no further actioned because of her mental health (this is what he told me but I think he probably withdrew his statement)
I thought this was the end of things and in the last few months he seemed much happier (he has a good job/friends/social life.
Just to add after the hospital visit I banned her from my home, he still lives at home but is saving for a Deposit(I explained that I couldn't force him to leave her but thought he should but that she'd never be welcome in my home again.)
Yesterday was horrendous, I really thought he'd seen the light but he was being moody and snappy all morning, and long story short admitted they'd still be seeing each other but he'd found out she was cheating again.. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
What should I do, along with the cheating this girl left him with fractured bones!! Why the hell does he keep going back??
My husband thinks step back but I'm genuinely concerned I'm going to lose him to an evil bitch of a woman.
Any advice?? Thanks for reading.

There's not much you can do except support him. Unfortunately with the way abuse works, you're creating an 'us against them' scenario which will cause more isolation.

You might be able to get him to call Mankind
https://mankind.org.uk/ for help and advice. I'd say he's trauma bonded to her which is why he keeps going back. Abusive relationships can also be kind of addictive and they create a kind of fog where you can't think or see clearly.

Thankyou, by support him are you saying it's best toaccept the relationship and let her back into my home?
Currently I've been saying I wish you'd leave but can't force you but I've made my feelings on her clear. It's so frustrating and sad to watch.

He excuses her behaviour as mental health and not having any family support.

It's very frustrating. I would try to remain as close to my son as I could and I would want him to be as open as possible. If that means having her over for dinner then do that.

It sounds as though he's rationalising her behaviour which is very common. He obviously feels protective over her and is very conflicted.

Those embroiled in abuse often can't see the wood for the trees and can become very absorbed in the relationship. I would encourage him to see as much of his friends as possible, carry on with hobbies and let him know he can talk to you about anything.

You must be so relieved he is still living at home but every instinct must be screaming to protect him.

He knows this relationship isn’t right but he’s only going to leave it in his own time. Let your home be his sanctuary from it and try to keep your counsel. Leaving will be easier knowing he has your support.

Thank you for all your responses, I've just sat down with him and explained again that I can't have her in my house, I said that one day he will have his own children and understand why.
I have also said that I'd like him to arrange therapy for himself.
He does get anxiety and depression and although I'm really proud of him for managing those symptoms (he is a marathon runner) and has got very into a healthy lifestyle that it all seems pointless when your still allowing such a toxic person into your life.
I've said he needs someone to help him unpick why he's happy to accept such disgusting behaviour. He has agreed to speak to someone.
He's going on a lads holiday soon so hopefully distance and friends will bring abit of clarity.
All I can do is have hope I guess, he has so much going for him it's insanely frustrating to watch.