Am I being inflexible?

[inflexibleme]

I work full time Monday-Fri 9-5.

DSis is a SAHM with DN toddler, 19 months.

DSis is often frustrated I won’t meet her as much as she wants. She claims she puts more effort in than me.

I am very clear that I could go round to hers after 4:30pm on weekdays, weekends or on my WFH days take a lunch hour and meet her somewhere in between my work and her house. She declines the lunch hour meets because insists on being home for DNs 3 hour nap 11am-2pm. Usually declines weekends as they are family time. I can’t go after 4pm either as they start the bedtime routine at 5 so that DN is in bed for 5:45-6.
After that time, it’s ’their’ time, as my sister hasn’t seen her husband all day as he is out at work.

She is frustrated she can’t just call into my house at a time to suit her, like 8-10am on a weekday when I’m WFH. I usually have all my meetings in the mornings & can’t really break off so easily.

Am I being unreasonable here thinking it’s not my fault for ‘not putting in the same effort’?

Obviously not. Does this really need answering?
Stop pandering to any day time plans when you’re working.

What effort does she put in?

She says, ‘I don’t work and you have a schedule, so you need to tell me when you are available.’ From where I’m standing it seems obvious to me that I am actually the one with the more relaxed schedule. Maybe I just don’t get it yet and will understand more when my baby is born!

Not the point of the thread but her toddler sleeps for 3 hours in the afternoon and then goes to bed at 6pm????

‘I’m available Monday to fri after 5pm or weekends’

not much more you can say?!

I’m not sure if it’s 2 or 3 hours. And yes. Wakes up at 4am the next day which they complain about and say they are a poor sleeper…

Truthfully op she sounds like she's making herself lonely by being so inflexible. Ds won't really nap when we're out and about so I fully understand not being able to do lunch time meet ups unless it's a late lunch or early brunch. But I accept that's a choice I'm making to prioritise ds sleep and it won't be that way forever. I also prioritise family time at the weekend because I know dh would miss ds and we get so little time with him together during the week because we both work full time. But on a weekday evening once bedtime is taken care of I see absolutely nothing wrong with going to see a friend/dh will go play football etc. Does her dh know the bedtime routine and is he able to settle her wee one if they wake up? If so then there's no reason why she can't meet you then. I think she's making it harder for herself than it needs to be and tbh I'd suggest maybe doing phone calls in between with her. She can't expect to land at your house with kids in tow when you're working that's just disrespectful of your time, but my guess is that's a part of the day she finds long and wants to fill. Not your problem though.

Sounds like she's more inflexible than you!

I think you should tell your sister what you just told us that you work xx and then xx so you are free xx. If it doesn't suit her being the one not working then that's on her.

Yes, the child does seem to sleep rather a lot.

But she's clearly being ridiculous as you well know. She has a 2 hour window on weekday mornings when she expects you to drop everything to fit in with her inflexible schedule that seems to take up the rest of the week and all weekend.

Does she really spend all of every weekday evening with her husband? Does he never see friends, go to the gym/out running or just veg out in front of the TV, so in any of these circumstances it would be fine for you to go to hers or her to come to yours?

Either she doesn't really want to see you or she's made a rod for her own back regarding DNs routine, that she'll likely come to regret.

"I have told you when I am available but it never works for you."

The bit she’s reasonable about is not messing with her child’s nap time. If she gets a guaranteed two hours while he sleeps she’d be mad to mess with that. Toddlers who miss their naps are nightmares.

She wants everything her way ! Why are you even worrying about this.

This is clearly ridiculous of course she is the inflexible one. You can’t just stop working because she fancies a visit. She is available at other times but doesn’t want to change her routine at all. If she wants to have no life in order to keep her toddler’s routine then that’s fine, but it’s not your problem. I say this as a working mum of three, currently on maternity leave.

How far away is her house from yours? Because I'd suggest going over to hers for lunch while baby naps. But obviously edoesn't work if you have a 20 minute drive.

She is being a bit precious though. But lots of people think working from home means total flexibility on time. And to be fair, for some it is. My sister has a very "big" job, very senior, very busy etc, but on the upside, if she's WFH and meets me for post-school run breakfast and only starts "work" at 10, that's fine (as long as she doesn't thave meetings). Others aren't as flexible.

So she is free to meet between 8am and 11am, and then between 2pm and 4pm on weekdays.

If she doesn't understand that you are not free during regular office hours because you ermmm have a job, then I really don't know what to suggest.

If she is nearby maybe she could come round for a coffee on your WFH day, when you have a little more flexibility.

Someone is definitely inflexible in this situation, but not, I think, the OP.

Just make sympathetic noises. "I know, it's miserable that we have opposing schedules ATM. I'd love a morning coffee but have to work unfortunately! I'm sure we'll be able to find more overlapping time as DC gets older and we don't need to work around his naps."

You work full time. Your sister is unavailable during all of your non-work time to meet up due to her child’s schedule, so you don’t meet up anymore.

mid you had an office based job, would she come along and sit in your office for a coffee or assume she could only meet during your lunch break?

I assume weekends are family time because she doesn’t just randomly turn up at her DHs workplace for family time during his working day. Your work is based at home but it is similarly inappropriate to just entertain her during your work hours.

tell her you’ll just have to chat on the phone until her dc starts school and she’s free at lunchtimes again as obviously evenings and weekends are out for 10-15 years.

I don’t really understand the problem though, why does one of you need to be unreasonable?
Your timings don’t work for her and her timings don’t work for you. It is what it is. Unless deep down you think the problem is that she should be more flexible with her toddler for you, with the “maybe it will be different when my baby is born”.

She’s annoyed at me, is why, and I struggle to understand why - but maybe I will relate more to her when my baby is born

She doesn’t think your WFH job is equal to an office based job.

that’s why her DH/DPs job is respected and so weekends need to be held for family time, but your work hours don’t count because they are at home.

She thinks you are not being flexible, because she presumes the hours you work are basically optional/flexible.

You need to spell it out “I can’t be flexible in my work hours. I work from 9-5, Monday to Friday. I have an hour for lunch but I can extend that a bit, but not much. My lunch break has to happen between 12 and 2pm. I can’t just decide not to work some mornings because I’m doing something social. I’m flexible around my work hours. Other than changing my job, there’s nothing I can do about me not being free on week day mornings because I’m at work, just like your DH is at work.”

some people really struggle with the idea that if you are not in an office, you are still unable to set your own work hours in most jobs.

My twins did this! After dd1 who never bloody slept it was a bit confusing. Dtd2 still loves a nap at 12! 😂

Haven't got any further yet but this.

You work Monday to Friday 9-5.
You offered lunch hour, Dsis said no because x.

You offered after work, Dsis said no because y.

You offered weekends, Dsis said no because z.

What does that leave? You have basically said anytime outside my working hours and she has vetoed all of the time outside your working hours.

She's annoyed that you have a job. Have you told her that. Does she think you got a job just to get out of seeing her?