To take DC out of private prep and back to state?

[Twentythirdtry]

DC is progressing just as well overall in the prep as he did at his state school. Differences the prep has made are: he’s behind in maths instead of reading. ?!

still behind in writing and spelling/grammar/punctuation and I come to find out they only do one piece of handwritten work per subject per week..? The rest is on a laptop…

I was hoping there’d be a chance of him passing 11+ by going to this school. A prep school after all.

he is on ASD pathway and has apparently received significantly more support at the prep than the state. They said he is ‘masking’ less than he did at the state, which is leading to his decline in progress. He doesn’t actually seem any happier though, more burned out yes but happier? No. His interests seem to have bottlenecked as well and just wants to go on the computer all the time.

I am not eager to put him back into his state school (if there’s places that is) but I am really questioning if this move was worth it. Not just for this reason but many others… this, I just cannot get my head around though!

I would check out state schools OP
My experience has been that state schools can, and have been better for my DC.

And you can pay for some excellent tutors, for 1:1 to boost him.

I work in a mixed-ability private school, and while we give children a more comfortable experience with loads of extra-curricular opportunities, we don’t necessarily get them better grades than they would have achieved in a state school. The children are what they are, and unless the state school has terrible teachers (most don’t) or behaviour is really bad and is a total distraction, then achievement for each individual child is broadly similar to in a state school.

When a child struggles academically with us, we can occasionally get a parent who is awfully disappointed because they thought that paying money would work miracles on their child’s academic profile/work ethic.

What the money does get you is an environment that allows your child to achieve the best they possibly can, e.g. small classes, closer monitoring with quick interventions and a lot of general support. And a more customer service type attitude 😂

i think the happiness thing is important though, and children need time; major changes in a term or two don’t often happen (unless changing from a truly terrible school, as I said above).

I will probably pay for my own child to have this comfortable experience.

I agree with this. Not all private’s are the same. Our first indi was brilliant at ensuring the kids had a nurturing environment/ academically it wasn’t great.

The prep we are at now is totally different. Parents really do need to do their homework before they make an expensive mistake

You want to see academic progress in order to feel you are getting value for money. What you are getting is nurturing, a calm environment, lots of extra curriculars. If that’s not enough, move him back. You can use the ££ for tutors to try and boost things academically (but if he ends up in a grammar, you might be tutoring for years to come).

Well I’ve certainly learned that now. I don’t think I was ridiculous to think that with more support and in a more nurturing environment, and after being told they’d work on improving his academic attainment, that his academic attainment and social/emotional wellbeing would improve. But to go backwards in a core subject is something that really has blind-sided me.

his overall happiness certainly is the most important thing for me but he does seem quite burned out as I said, and I’m not sure the state school really was as bad as he’d made out to me. His ability to articulate accurately wasn’t brilliant, but not being there and seeing things for myself, on top of the state school being quite bad with communication themselves meant I could only rely on what he told me really.

I do wonder if the money would be better spend on tutors and extra curriculars whilst back at the state school, where he did seem more relaxed.

The lack of interest in creative writing and development of STEM could well be something that would have happened in state - he's finding out where HIS interest lies. His behaviour could well be linked to normal development for his age - certainly always wanting to be on the computer is pretty standard. Its up to you to parent that at home, not the school.
I'm hearing how you say he is burn out - but then saying you would change his schools and get him tutors etc which is going to make any burn out infinitely worse! Maybe just accept he may not be the right fit for grammar, not matter how intelligent he is and stop pushing him. The school when you first speak to them can only go on his grades, they don't know him as a person when they are trying to give you an idea of what he can potentially do.

No he was very very interested in creative writing before joining this school. And just because he wants to go on his computer doesn’t mean he does!

as I’d said, the behaviour was an overnight change. Nothing to do with his age.

lastly, I’d change him back to the school he’s already familiar with, where he seemed far more relaxed and he would need tutors to catch up/keep up. I had hoped he’d instead need tutors for 11+ prep by going to this school but I find myself concentrating on him catching up instead as I realise he had no better a chance by going to a preparatory school…

his ability has never been a concern, in fact going by his cat5 in some areas he’s not just above average, he is borderline gifted. so please don’t berate me by telling me I’m pushing him when in fact I have been trying to encourage and support him attain his potential, as any parent would.

yes this is good advice. Thank you.

Why don't you just ask him if he likes his old or new school better? To be fair it sounds like he might not like either that much - but at least the old one was free.

He says he prefers the new school. Not sure if he prefers it for the right reasons, ie only being asked to do one piece of written work in English per week

I'm with you, OP. For it to be worth paying for private school I'd have to feel that it was helping my child achieve more academically. Other parents may choose a private school based on the individual attention or nurturing environment or extra curricular activities, and that's absolutely fine and their decision, but for me it would have to be mainly about the academic results. I can understand your disappointment.

I do agree with pp that the down turn in his behaviour may be age related or due to the transition, not because of the new school as such.

Yeah, had said that earlier to you, that the transition itself seemed to be the reason for his attitude changing more than anything. What I still can’t get my head around is the lack of written work.

My DC never seems to get much HW, whether at private or state OP. They are bright, and just told me that they got the work finished within class. The other had to finish it at home. Could this be the case for your DC OP?

I found also that my DC's intelligence, and diligence is more appreciated at state school. In private school they were one of many bright and diligent DC. Therefore not overly encouraged, just one of many.

i don’t think so no. These are end of year work books. DS says the whole class is only expected to do written work once a week per subject, and the homework is the same for all children including DS and it’s the same homework/same amount every week.

One thing I'll bring up (as a mum to two boys with SEN (one ASC) and a teacher with many years experience) ... autistic children may burn out in mainstream education, full stop. No matter how academically able, private or state. They burn out due to being a square peg in a round hole for too long.

Who diagnosed your child? Can they, or perhaps a well regarded EP or local SEN advocacy business, advise you?

Good luck x

Where is he happier, more relaxed, more able to be himself and more accepted for himself? That's where I'd send him.

Masking less isn't a bad thing, even if he's gone backwards a bit, IMO. Masking can come with a high cost to mental health.

What year is he? Don't underestimate the effect a move can have- has he definitely settled from his first move yet? I'd be reluctant to switch him again tbh given there'll be the secondary move to come as well - not to mention he's already dealing with ASD, and 11+ is gruelling no matter how bright they are. Maybe he's got enough stress already and just needs to feel stable for as long as he can?

Has he had cognitive testing done? It's common for Autistic children to have a spiky profile, so really good in some areas and really bad in others. It's harder to obtain good results with a spiky profile than one that's average for everything. Working memory and processing speed are commonly a low point of the spiky profile and this can make it very hard for a child to reach their potential. My youngest has a very high IQ, top 2% which isn't reflected by his grades because of the other things, like auditory processing and sensory issues which make school harder for him.

How long has he been in the new school? If it's been less than a year he could still be getting used to it and you might not see the effects for a while yet. If he feels more comfortable in this school the burnout showing now could be from attending his original school. Like if he finally feels safe to let it out. If transitions are a big issue for him even going back to the school he used to attend could be a struggle, even more so if he doesn't want to leave and views the old school in a negative way. It's not uncommon for Autistic kids to struggle with mental health, it's worth a lot for him to be somewhere he feels comfortable and supported. Also as kids grow up and social interactions get more complex he may struggle there and need extra help. A supportive environment might not change educational outcomes, but it can be very valuable to your child. I know a group of mums, across 15 families that all have ND kids and of those families 13 are now home schooling because of lack of support in mainstream. Im one of the two who still have kids at mainstream schools and the reason we're still in mainstream schooling is that we got lucky and have very supportive schools.

How many written work his state school had per week?