Is he gaslighting ? Another tow AIBU??

[Iwant2befree]

I’ll try and give as much context as I can . Been together 20 years. LOTS of ups and downs .

Both of us are late diagnosed ND, in opposite ends of the spectrum. Over the years we’ve found ways to meet in middle . Has not been easy but 3 DC and we have made it work.

DH takes very little responsibility for anything, arguments, mistakes , he has very high expectations of others that he cannot meet himself. Example very cleaner who helps with house , always gives out about they way the do certain things (but equally never does the chore himself)

we had a massive blow up last week, DS aged 10 unwell on and off for last week. I am working full time , 3 kids are in Creche afterschool , or mixed camps for summer . DH is on “sabbatical “ working through some ND stuff trying to match a working environment that supports the ND tendencies . Has list of free time outside of Creche drops to work on this . No other responsibilities during the day .

I work full time , always have . I finish work, DS clearly very unwell, they had come home early after DH collected them at lunch time.
DH occupied in the house doing something else , by the time I finished work , assessed situation rang all the GPs it was 8pm , I asked DH to drive us to the out of hours GP as parking awkward And iDS had a bucket for getting sick in the car.

i waited saw GP told DH to get food while he could , my mistake as it was out of hours service so no idea how long I would be waiting with DS. btw I’ve not eaten since breakfast DH been at home but not organised himself for food because DS being unwell had “thrown” off the afternoon .(this is typical for ND, a change in plans can disrupt the day and mood significantly)

See GP all is ok, looks worse than it is thankfully and sent home with medicine , call DH who tells me (25 mins after they left me) he is eating at the drive through and need 5 mins.No problem I then ask can you pick something up for DS who now feels better and hasn’t eaten since 9am , DS needs food to take the medicine , DS is also ND same as DH and has a very limited food intake. Also turns out DS has vommited because they haven’t eaten anything and are empty reaching from Calpol on an empty stomach.

DH rips my head off for badgering him and not respecting his time to eat, I’m explain I’m not rushing him, I’m asking a question is there time to drive back through collect food for DS and then back to us. DS is also very shaken , teary and generally unwell and wants to get home , so I’m trying to balance the 2 of them . He picks us up 25 mins later rips my head off . I’m disrespectful , why can’t I just not make them choke on food with my badgering. Things very tense I’m so angry at the selfishness . Can’t put himself aside for a minute and think what DS needs ( a quick lift home and a bit of food)

It’s been awkward last couple days , can’t discuss both to angry, today he makes passive aggressive comments , what “idiot” put this in a bag , it’s a fucking mess . Everything I’ve touched today really passive aggressive comments , that’s fucked, why can’t anyone keep this tidy , BTW he does VERY little , only moans about what others have not done to his standards. Tonight I’m sick , I rest and he has another go, couldn’t give the kids their food properly because he has been minding them all afternoon (2 hours) goes in another huff tells me to fuck off im a drain bag and leaves me with the kids .

if you are still with me thank you .

im not sure what im asking . I’m so hurt by his selfish view on the world, his comments are vicious he has very little EQ but there are times when I am disgusted at his lack of compassion and they way he views the world.

in general we get on ok, but when he has an extreme victim mentality , will not accept any responsibility for any mistake , and if he has any bit of outside stress This is how he defaults to this shitty behaviour . it makes me feel sick.

For context I am the main earner , contribute 70% finances, organise and pay for all full time childcare. I pay for a cleaner as I don’t get much time and I can’t be arsed with the nagging . I pull my weight massively around the house and with the kids. I am by nature a bit scatty, have a lot on the go at one time but I make it all work. I’m not perfect far from it but believe I should be treated better than this constant put downs ? I’ve said when DC need something they should be the priority , he disagrees.

we are at a standstill and I am hoping for an apology but maybe IABU?

Ugh, I don't like him.

However, why are you paying for childcare while he's not working? He sounds worse than useless, tbh, doing sod all and criticising everyone else at the same time.

Main reason is DH would have meltdowns at that amoiunt of kids needing minding. By nature needs a lot of time solo , has always been like this so TBF I know the deal .

I understand the ND piece (also being ND) and just do it to try and keep harmony in what could be a very explosive house .

That being said I bend over backwards to keep the house ticking over without adding expectations . The lack of awareness or appreciation of this is zero. I’m so spent from it. I’m not a walk over , I have a very strong personality and don’t know how I’ve allowed it to become like this and be treated like this. Equally I’m often accused by DH of having to high expectations of them.

I really do not know what next steps to take to resolve the different ways that we see the world.

I think I would probably be telling him that I had enough on my plate without having to also parent a man child who can’t put anyone first but himself, even when his child is sick.

He’s not behaving like a partner, but like a moody teenager. And for all that I get the ND thing - same in our house - it is possible to be ND and not be an arsehole. As you know because you’re managing to do everything and not be a dick.

My husband goes through occasional phases of this when stressed, but we’ve weathered enough together that I can generally just tell him when he’s reached that point and he will stop, think, apologise and get back to the lovely person he usually is.

Your DH is relying on you being the peacemaker to get things all his own way and, consciously or otherwise, holding the threat of an explosion over you to stop you making him accountable. As painful as it is, it’s time he got a reality check or you have no improvement to look forward to in the future.

I don’t think you’ll get anywhere without actually confronting him with his behaviour and telling him to shape up or ship out. You deserve better than this 💐

So you're both ND but you"re running around killing yourself doing everything and trying to keep everything together.

Whilst he does what? Other than being passive aggressive, verbally abusive and unable to parent his own kids?

Why do you stay OP? Life would be calmer and more fun without him.

He's not pulling his own weight, you're dragging it along for him.

Thanks so much for the insight . What I can’t get right is the addressing the behaviour. Overall he is fine but any sign of stress and boom it escalates very quickly.

how do you bring up the behaviour? Considering ND can be very blame adverse to put it mildly.

it’s near impossible to have a rational conversation without it exploding . They cannot see their behaviour and actions how it ripples through the family.

Without drip feeding things came to a head a few years ago and I left emotionally. Financially we had to stay together and we made it work again. Something annoyed him a few weeks ago and he lashed out about not being able to cope / overwhelmed with a task. I held my boundary and said they can leave if they wish, as I’m not being held to ransom nor can I tolerate that mindset again (having gone through hell with behaviour and attitude for 2 years prior)

since then things have been very shaky and the aggressive attitude is getting worse not better .

thanks for the comments and insights .