Abusive Partner?

[KhakiDreamer]

I have been with my partner for approx a year and a half now. We used to work together then he approached me to begin dating last year, we decided to take things quite slowly and really get to know each other, as his wife unfortunately passed around three years ago.
He has two dc’s 22 and 15, who from the start have been quite combative and against us dating, which is understandable as their mother has passed. However, I moved into the family home in January as my partner wished (too quick in my eyes) as he would regularly complain and whinge he wasn’t seeing enough of me? I had tried to leave on several occasions since as he and the dc’s were lying/being abusive etc. for him to say you go home and I’ll never speak to you again etc.
The 22 yo didn’t do anything around the house or contribute to bills (not even a £20 phone bill despite having an income) generally causing issues etc for me and my partner. Similarly, the 15yo was on webcams talking to older men, vaping, lying to attain money from her parent etc. I asked my partner to try and intervene for their benefit which his reply was I don’t want anything to do with them.
This had progressed for months whereby he wouldn’t communicate with them, it was literally a free for all.
They left around 3 months ago to go live with a relative, blaming me and their parent for all their problems when I have tried to get my partner to sort this out but he burys his head in the sand and won’t communicate.
Meanwhile he’s shouting at me, getting very angry, packing my bags, throwing objects at my head, putting bruises on me etc. over trivial subjects, then using the dc’s as a weapon saying they would agree I’m the issue.
I feel like I’m in a no win situation no matter what.
What is the next step? Am I being unrealistic asking him to communicate and sort things out with everyone instead of burying his head?

Next step is to leave and don't look back.

There is nothing to stay for.

Get out as soon as you can and send someone else to collect your stuff.

I wish you the best.

Run for the hills. Time for a fresh start

This, 100%. His children are not your responsibility and your 'D'P didn't ought to be either.

Just to add, I have never met his family as he was always against the idea.
Christmas gatherings etc I wasn’t invited to as he didn’t want me getting any ‘stick’ from his family - I said but they don’t know me so what is there for them to give me stick for, he said that his dc’s had been saying things and my assumption now is him too.
I feel very trapped and set up, especially as his family have believed I am controlling him as they can’t understand why he won’t communicate with anyone of the family despite me asking him to as well.
I feel utterly confused by the whole situation.😥

Meanwhile he’s shouting at me, getting very angry, packing my bags, throwing objects at my head, putting bruises on me

Leave now and don’t ever look back.

Forget about his kids, forget about ‘communication’, forget about moving forward. He is seriously physically and emotionally abusing you and nothing else matters than that. Get out of the relationship and get out of the house, immediately if you can. It will never get better, because he is an abuser.

His kids’ issues are for him to sort. Get away from the lot of them and consider it a lucky escape.

your next step is to get the hell out of there. He sounds awful and the kids are an added incentive. Why would you put yourself through this?

it feels like you’re trying to be the peacemaker; help sort out their messy lives- but you don’t need to, it’s not your job

It sounds like there’s so much going on and you’ve involved yourself in a family that’s still grieving. IMO, and I mean this kindly, the 22 year old needs to get a grip and grow up at the fact that their father has moved onto a new relationship. The 15 year old is still young and may take longer for them to move on. The bigger issue seems to be your partner who seems to also not know how to navigate a new relationship, death of his wife and dealing with his two children, one of whom is an adult. Easier said than done but if you are asking if you’re in an abusive relationship, it means you probably are. There’s help out there don’t be afraid to leave the situation and try move on. If you decide to stay something needs to give. All the best.

Are you to be blunt daft? Get the fuck out of there while you still can..

You need to leave asap, and not look back.

Nothing is confusing here except your priorities (and to be frank, self respect).

Leave now, tonight, and don't look back.

Let Mumsnet help you with the practicalities.

I voted YABU because sadly I don’t think it’s realistic that he will start communicating and sort things out at this point, and I think the best thing would be to get out fast. So sorry - what an awful situation all round.

YANBU that he’s abusive.

I said you are being unreasonable- for staying.

Get out now! Pack your own bags and leave ASAP. He is abusive. You deserve better.

He has shown you who he is, he isn't going to change. Bruises, throwing things, threatening to kick you out... Disgusting behaviour and it isn't going to change. If anything it will get worse.