12 year old abroad with friend

[RubyWriter]

My child has been invited to go abroad (France) in summer hols. They are 12. Would be first time away on their own.
no problems with family but don’t know them that well.
AIBU to say no?

I suppose it depends on your reasoning?

It sounds like a lovely thing for your dc, but if you have a good reason to say no then if course that's your choice.

I'd get to know them. My Mum and Nan took other kids everywhere with us. It's what you do when you have older kids.

I'd either say no, or get to know them between now and then.

There could be many reasons why you would be justified in saying thanks but no. If you feel that you want to say no then do so. It doesn’t matter whether you are being reasonable or not.

How well do you need to know them?

If you’re happy for your child to have a close friendship with theirs, and you have no issue with the way their child appears to be parented, I think it would be a bit unfair to deny your kid the opportunity.

Most people aren’t close friends with the parents of their secondary-age kids’ mates. But they don’t stop their kids from having a brilliant holiday on that basis.

It is fine to say thank you but we have plans over summer. It is perfectly reasonable to not be comfortable with someone you don't really know taking your child abroad.

There are questions you would want to know the answer to before saying yes - are they big drinkers? Are they going to leave them unsupervised in unsuitable places?

Thank you for the answers. I think it’s more about them being abroad if anything were to go wrong. If it was uk based I’d feel (a bit) more comfortable.

It is fine to just say 'thanks but we have summer plans already'.

You don't have to feel OK with this just because some other parents do feel OK with it. Your reason is valid.

I used to go abroad with my friend at a similar age. They were an only child so their parents wanted to take a friend to make the holidays more enjoyable. I can’t really see a reason why you’d say no unless you have issue with how the child is parented generally

Does your child want to go? And how long for?

Don't limit your child's experiences with your anxieties. A very, very hard thing to do!

We've taken our children's friends abroad to France/Holland with us but we've known the parents for years. I don't blame you for being unsure as you have no clue who the parents are and what they are like.

Is there something specific you're worried about? "In case something goes wrong" feels a bit like limiting your dc's experiences because of general anxiety.

If your dc struggles to be away from home, or if you have a concern the family won't take care of them, that's reasonable, of course.

There was a similar thread last year, son had been invited to go as company for an only child, some posters came up with the most ridiculous scenarios, including that it was clearly a ruse for the mum/dad to abuse the child. Batshit - some people's heads are in a very dark place.

Seriously OP, it's France. A very short flight away, you can get a train, ferry, drive. Depending where you are in England you could be in France far more quickly than you could be in Inverness. Invite them over for a coffee or a barbecue or to go to the pub or something. And let your son go!

I have very fond memories of having friends on holiday with me at that age, but our parents knew each other well so I suppose it's different.
For the kids, it makes the holiday far more enjoyable.

DD went abroad with friends and their parents from 12-16 a few times. ( this before mobiles were common too) Their financial position was the other extreme to ours and gave our daughter the opportunity for travel she wouldn't have had otherwise. We didn't know the family to start with, but we did by the end.

Absolutely this!

We did this every summer when I was a kid. It's a bit late notice now. But if you can afford it why wouldn't you?

Does your DC want to go? Happy with the idea? Can you afford to offer some money towards food, or pay for a dinner for everyone etc. according to other family's plans? Does your child have a phone and call if there's any issue? It's horrible that everyone sees sinister motives behind these things.

He’s been on a few sleepovers and occasionally called crying in the night, wanting to come home. He hasn’t and not generally an anxious child so I’ve put it down to tiredness but always offered to go pick him up if needed.
He is desperate to go this time as it sounds very exciting and it is a great opportunity.

I really appreciate all the responses and it’s actually been helpful to know that maybe I am being unreasonable.

I have travelled a lot myself on my own and with others and was a very independent child so I think I need to remember this! I’m going to work being less anxious with the kids (although I am probably going to decline this time mainly due to timing).

I'd echo what others say, invite the parents round for a cuppa/drink so you can get a sense of whether they are people you feel comfortable with. My daughter went to Spain with a friend aged 14. I'd never met the parents before but went round for a drink and they asked questions about was it okay for the teens to go out on their own, was she allergic to anything etc etc which was reassuring.

I'd hope all my kids know they can call me any time if they're not okay and if it really came to it I'd fly out and get them. But all my kids have had great experiences staying abroad with other people's families.

Have you challenged him on this?
Tell him that these episodes have made you cautiousm how can he guarantee it won't happen again?

How long ago was this?

It would be a no from me, especially within it being in a different country.

I'm coming from a social work, child sexual abuse centre, and education based perspective. The things I have heard kids say that they've done with other families that their parents weren't aware of has put me off. I wish I didn't have that information, as on the face of it going away with friends sounds lovely.

Everyone has a different perspective and everyone has a different danger and fear threshold.

Why were they crying on sleepovers? Doesn't sound like they are able to cope with it.

I’d let my child go unless I had reservations. Get to know the family before making a decision