WWYD? Mum with the flu

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

I’m a SAHM and I have the flu. It came on very quickly. It definitely isn’t the worst I have ever felt but it is still the flu so I feel like shit.

Would you ask your DH to take a day off or work from home so you can stay in bed and recover? That would be mildly inconvenient for him but acceptable to work without affecting his job or career.

Or would you suck it up and soldier on? Although possibly skipping scheduled baby classes and using Bluey as a babysitter.

(Full disclosure - I asked DH to stay home because I felt awful, he agreed, and now I am wondering if I am asking too much off the back of him finishing work early for a week so I could do some return to work career development stuff which is probably where I picked the virus).

YABU - suck it up, buttercup
YANBU - it’s childcare, changing plans is just part of being a parent

If it’s not a problem for him to work from home or take leave at short notice, then it’s fine to ask him. I’m sure if it was inconvenient, he’d have said no, and presumably you would have accepted that.

It would be different if you just had a horrible cold, but I think with genuine flu (the kind that completely flattens you and you can barely get up at all) it’s best to have a bit of help if possible.

My feeling is that being a SAHP does not make you either superhuman or second rate in the pecking order. Sometimes shit happens. If your DH had flu (or any other debilitating illness) they'd take time off sick, wouldn't they? You don't get sick pay or sick leave as a SAHP, but unless you're a single parent, you are a team and you are allowed to need support and the other parent to step up unless possibly it would genuinely jeopardise their job. If you were both working, they'd have to take off a lot more time for child illness or appointments, so they should be in better "credit" with their employer thanks to having a SAHP as a partner.

Don't use your limited energy feeling guilty about this and focus on getting better. Besides, you want to avoid passing this to your child/ren, so having the other parent look after them while you recover is also preferable.

Skipping baby classes and using screens as entertainment occasionally is fine, I don't know why so many parents put themselves under the pressure they do. The rest depends on if you could manage and if it is wasting a possible day off work.

That would be mildly inconvenient for him but acceptable to work without affecting his job or career.

YANBU - mild inconvenience for him vs you feeling even more shit, and probably taking longer to recover.

And this it’s childcare, changing plans is just part of being a parent - obviously childcare is his responsibility too, even if you're a SAHP when you're well.

I’ve only ever had proper flu once, couldn’t get out of bed, muscles ache, couldn’t lift head off my pillow, needed help going to the toilet, no way I could see anything on phone, let alone be able to post anything on here. I did need DH home to help with DC, but it obviously put him out as he was self employed. When I had a cold, I could manage DC myself, putting tv on and laying down for a bit of a rest, in between looking after them. I wouldn’t go out, unless I dosed myself up with paracetamol beforehand and then only in an emergency.

You can't soldier on with proper flu, you feel too ill to get out of bed!

Colds can be absolutely shitty though and you can feel awful with a bad cold, so I don't think it's wrong to ask your DH to stay home if you really don't feel good.

I'd suck it up for the flu or sinusitis but not tonsillitis. Basically depends how sick I was.

You asked him though...which is fine, you didn't demand it.

Have you been tested for influenza?

Flip the roles, if he had flu, and was the stay at home parent, no real problem for you to stay off work despite recently taking time off what would you think?

(FWIW I think us mothers half kill ourselves putting up with things that generally men never would, so I'd say flu definitely = time in bed.....)

No, you weren't unreasonable to ask, he is also the parent and sometimes it falls to him to do some parenting.

I assume if it was really inconvenient he would have said so.

No, just like anyone with a job, inside or outside of the home, we are entitled to be off work when we are sick. It's not fair on you or the children to have a very unwell parent.

The one downside to DH having on tap childcare, never having to consider who will cover child illness, school holidays, sports days etc, is that when I am too ill to do my job, he must step in.

TV babysitter is when I'm extremely tired or mildly under the weather but well enough to parent.

Not unreasonable at all, it’s very hard to look after children when you’re unwell. Their father wouldn’t be expected to look after the children alone if he was unwell. He would also take a sick day from work - so should you.

It depends on how bad I was, but DH definitely had to take some days off when dd was little and I was staying home.

Sometimes there is no question, it’s just not safe to leave you in care of a child.

times it’s going to be miserable for both you and the child(ren). Best for him to stay home if possible.

Days when it would be healthier for you to rest, but you can muddle through. Well, since I suffer from severe migraines I had enough unsafe days, we couldn’t have him stay home on the days I could muddle through. We would just get to the Evening or to the weekend and then I would really rest. Until then it was parenting from the sofa as much as possible.

I'm the sole earner at the moment, though we're about to move to PT/PT, split pretty evenly between me and DH.

I would take a day off to look after the baby if he had real flu. No question.

It is definitely the flu, not a bad cold. It started with a sore throat followed by fatigue, confusion, fever, shivering, sweating, aches and pains, and congestion.

Even my hair hurts.

DC is watching Bluey and DH is trying to work. Probably not very successfully. They are both still in PJs. I’ve only made it as far as the bathroom and that was a struggle.

Some people wouldn’t have any choice but to ‘soldier on’ if they were a single parent but I really don’t know how they could do it.

Thank you for understanding and not making me feel like a crap parent for going back to bed.

Since it wouldn't affect his job, I would ask him to wfh. I wouldn’t want him taking holiday if I could soldier through, lie on the sofa and use the TV to babysit. Would rather save the holidays to use when I can enjoy them (either to have the day together or so he can parent while I swan off somewhere).

I'd ask if you can rest it will speed up your recovery

I would absolutely expect him to stay home