In-laws crashing vacation cause husband invited them

[Sensitiveappeal485]

I’ve never had really a relationship with my husbands parents because they don’t speak English or live in our continent and I don’t have the time or capacity to learn a foreign language. And the few times we have been together he never translates anything so I sit there like I’m watching paint dry.

I have been deeply affected by when I was on maternity leave 9 years ago and they came from overseas to move in with me for 6 months without anyone asking if I was okay with this. We cannot communicate, they made messes in my house (father left urine on my bathroom floor, mother spilled tea on my light computed rug) and I was pumping exclusively for my baby and had to go hide in my room to get privacy. It’s not like they had nowhere to stay, the mom’s sister has a massive suburban home not far from here with 3 furnished uninhabited bedrooms. I was hurt that my husband didn’t stand up for me at that time that this was my time off from work to spend time with my baby and I basically had to hide in my room or make an effort to leave the house cause they were in my house and he was at work all day. As a result of this time and the fights it caused, I have further disliked his family, even the ones that speak English as I felt I had zero support during this time of disagreement with his foreign parents staying in my house.

anyhow fast forward to today, we have a long weekend trip planned away with close friends and a bunch of friends from our kids’ school that we planned a long time ago. Since the foreign MIL is coming he has turned it in to a famjam and invited them all and I sense he’s also funding the entire trip for them. Add in his sister that lives far away wants to come and bring her kid that is significantly younger than my kids to spent quality time with my kids who are on the trip with their friends and want to hang with their friends.

im not saying his family can’t go I’m just internally annoyed that they’re coming and he’s finding it cause they think he’s so wealthy (we aren’t). It’s not a cheap vacation spot either. I am trying to buffer my feelings I can hang with my friends but his sister is gonna ask me to have my kids hang with her kid and the age gap is a lot in terms of a water park and heights and abilities to do activities based on age. We already went to an amusement park with her and her kid recently when they were in town and rides were hard due to different ages and her daughter got tired so easily and became unruly and would push boundaries on me (ie I asked her not to walk with dirty feet on my picnics blanket and she would laugh at me and proceed to purposely dirty my blanket).

how do I respond if the sister reaches out. My kids are going to be with their friends on this trip.

Your in-laws aren’t the problem here. Your husband is the problem because he is the one who is LITERALLY INVITING THEM. The parents haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not their fault your husband keeps inviting them - how are they supposed to know you’ve got a problem with them?

It sounds like you have, for some reason, married someone who has vastly different expectations of what’s acceptable in a marriage and who has completely different cultural norms from you. Why aren’t you actually discussing this with him? Why haven’t you made the effort to learn at least a little bit of his language? The whole relationship sounds completely dysfunctional.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen yes. Because the ILs didn't choose to marry into another culture but OP did. And yes, it would be great if they learned some English but languages get more difficult as you age. I recently learned some of a very obscure language (for a holiday) and the native speaker who taught me was amazed because past 50 it's really difficult (and I only manage it because I have a knack for languages.

OP if you married into a Chinese family, you must have been aware that the entire basis of culture is different WRT family responsibilities. Money flows in a different direction, so does respect and responsibility.

My friend is currently divorcing a man whose parents are Chinese and she did everything right; learned Mandarin, was respectful and understanding of Mama, was happy to host them for weeks at a time. It wasn't enough and eventually it got too much for her.

Are the children learning Mandarin?

Yes, that jarred with me too. OP’s child is half-foreign yet it seems to be a problem and their culture is something she’s entirely uninterested in learning about.

Honestly, they don't sound great (but this is purely from your post and you clearly hate them) and neither do you, OP.

The language part: you've been with your husband for 10 years (been with him for a year prior to having your children who is 9 yo I guess?) and you haven't managed to pick up any of the language at all? This sounds... difficult, and I feel like you deliberately chose not to learn because you resent the "foreign aspect" of your husband - why did you marry him? You don't like that he's "foreign", he doesn't seem to respect you, he doesn't communicate with you and leave everything up to you to do?

And have you never voiced out your resentment throughout your marriage, not even 'could you please translate what your parents just said' or you did and he ignored you? If so, I have to ask again, why are you still with him when he clearly doesn't listen to or respect you?

Also many posters have asked whether your kids being raised up as bilingual - you haven't answered this yet but if you're not I think it shows a lot about you and your constant need to emphasise "foreign" 🥴

One of your replies was about how you're only asking on this thread on "how to handle this trip" yet you dived into all that history - could very well just say your husband invited his family to an annual trip (but you said it was established this past year so is it annual?) with friends but you can't communicate with them and left it at that, so I'm wondering whether your post is really more for venting the "foreign-ness" of your in laws...

Just realised your first post ended with asking what can you do if your sister in law reaches out, presumably you mean if she asks your kids to hang out with their little cousin. Can't you just speak the truth and say your kids want to hang out with their friends and they are older hence will be doing activities which little cousin will probably be too young to participate in? I assume the sister can speak your sole language i.e. English, since she lives in the US?

You've arranged a break with parent friends and all the DC and your DH has invited grandparents and auntie who don't know the friends at all?
How are the friends feeling about this? You know that you will never be included in another group outing don't you?
Does your DH have any other issues with social norms?

don’t have the time or capacity to learn a foreign language. And the few times we have been together he never translates anything so I sit there like I’m watching paint dry

If you can't be arsed learning the basics of your ILs language you're not really in a position to complain that you're excluded when they're chatting. You could easily learn the basics if you wanted

And they're not crashing anything - they were invited

I have further disliked his family, even the ones that speak English

You sound really unpleasant

“Sorry there is no room for your family on this trip” but happy to do a family one at a later date.

You tell SiL your kids are playing with their friends as pre arranged. If her kids can’t fit in then she will have to entertain them. It’s not your kids job to child mind hers if they’re too young to join in with all the other kids

So much is wrong here.

Your marriage is shit, your husband is useless, and you are any better when it comes to advocating for yourself. You just sat there and let his parents stay in your home for months?

Bonkers.

Deeply sorry for you, sounds hideous!!!!!! I hope you can successfully put some boundaries in place, very hard to know what to say..best of luck OP xx